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Why do WS want us and not OW? I don't get it!

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marionwendy posted 12/10/2013 12:14 PM

My husband works out of town and because of his A I have been traveling with him for 2 months. I don't understand why he says he wants us? After finding out he was texting OW from feb to may, then had ONS in may and came home to me. Why do they all of a sudden realize they made a mistake and want their spouses back? After 21yrs of marriage WS decides its time to cheat? I don't get it? WS is truly remorseful and doing all he can to make things right but to put me and himself through all this pain to come to the realization that it was all just a big mistake? I really can't grasp the concept! I feel like I'm loosing my mind, feel sad, sick,mad,all of it over some MOW who knew exactly what she was doing as well as him! BUT it's a mistake? WHATEVER!

movingbackwards posted 12/10/2013 12:26 PM

I feel for you on this. Why is that "realization" made after the fact? It's not like they didn't know before exactly what they were doing!

My husband works out of town as well, unfortunately I have for the most part not been able to travel with him. Even after 4 months the trust has not returned and every time he leaves I'm an anxious wreck. Makes me wonder if it ever will.

TrustGone posted 12/10/2013 12:32 PM

You will probably never get it. BS's for the most part do not have the same mindset as the WS. I think it even takes a long time for the WS to truely "get it" if they ever do. Why someone wants to do such a destructive thing to his/her spouse, family, and even himself/herself will always be a mystery. Sure people can say it was FOO issues, personality, coping, low self-esteem, etc... I personally think it boils down to plain selfishness on the WS's part. It was offered and they took it. Some will even continue to do it after they see what damage it did, thus multiple DDay's and false R's. I wish I had the answer, but I don't get it either.

marionwendy posted 12/10/2013 13:12 PM

Trustgone I couldn't agree with you more. IMHO I believe it's just a choice that they made. Everyone knows the difference between right and wrong! It was there and they could is right! So what does that say about a person? A lot if you ask me. I sometimes wonder if the shoe was on the other foot would I be given a second chance? Would I receive forgiveness? I hate the word Mistake it sounds like you got a word wrong on the spelling bee! Ughhhh

brokendancer7 posted 12/10/2013 16:52 PM

H said he knew if he started having sex with OW our marriage was over. Yet he did it anyhow, and now says he never stopped loving me, wants only me, etc. makes NO sense.

I am sure that if I had an affair, he would have kicked me out. I keep wondering if I am a doormat.

Ostrich80 posted 12/10/2013 16:59 PM

I have gone over this subject in my head a million times. We had been married 22 yrs. I gave him an out on DD1. I assumed he had love with ow and wanted to be with her. I told him to go follow his heart because I sure as hell didn't want to be with someone who didn't love me. He looked shocked and said, love?? I don't love her, she's nothing.. I suppose a lot of that was horseshit since she obviously meant something but he begged to stay. I even told him I would keep the A to myself and wouldn't tell a soul , we could just say we were D'ing. I believed him, less than 2yrs later, DD2. I do not get it either. Why the fuck he stays here and professes to love me. It just pisses me off.

My friend told me a story of catching her dad in an A. He treated her mom like a loving husband, put her up on a pedestal and was home every night. He had been in an LTA with a waitress at the restaurant he ate breakfast at every morning. When my friend asked her dad, don't you love mom. He said, I love your mom more than anything and this women Isee is just for sex. There are things I want that I would never ask or expect your mom to do and this woman will. Maybe back in the day, some women didn't do certain things but now a day, maybe not the case. I don't know. I'm sure he did love his wife but could just seperate the two women and keep it in the , what she doesnt know won't hurt her, category.

Dreamland posted 12/10/2013 17:18 PM

I have to say this is the biggest question that still keeps popping up. After 17 years of marriage he cheats and was obvious flaunting her in front of his coworkers and then I find out and boom now he's made the biggest mistake. He uses that word. I hate when he says that. Miss spelling a word is a mistake. Sticking your dick in some cheap as whore is not a mistake. Anyway I told him that he could leave as well. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. So I have asked a million times why stay.
Anyway sorry I'm no help but I hear ya. :)

marionwendy posted 12/10/2013 17:41 PM

Wow I could have written your post. My husband begged me to stay, cried, pleaded all of it. Now wants his family and says Im the love of his life. Wow you just realising this after 21 yrs? Says the MOW meant nothing to him that she was plain and small town girl! Nice Guy! Said the texting was just a game and that it was like a fantasy of some sort???? WTH? I could of full filled that fantasy Im no prude. Guess it all boils down to the fact that he wanted MOW at the time and not me!

Dallas2 posted 12/10/2013 18:11 PM

I don;t think an A is a mistake. It a choice a WS makes. I agree with Trustgone a WS makes a selfish choice. My WH never could say what he did for her, only what she did for him.

I think if they are in the A long enough or actually wake up a get what they are doing they want us back. I think because the grass is not greener on the other side and I know for my WH others opinions of him mattered a great deal. He even said he didn't want people to think he was a shit. I think he was a shit.

Do they really want us or the security if what is known to them? How do you know? I know my WH had planned on leaving me. What changes his mind?
I have read here many WS's believe they are in love with their AP's. I also have not figured out why they stay with us. Maybe it is a form of self punishment for being so rotten.

njgal480 posted 12/10/2013 18:23 PM

My FWH did the same thing. He had a 5 yr LTA with a MOW co-worker/drinking buddy. After d-day I kicked him out of the house and told him to go to her.
He begged and pleaded for me to take him back.
He told me that he loved only me and that the OW meant nothing to him.
I filed for divorce and we were separated for 6 months. He threw the MOW under the bus and went NC immediately.

The MOW and her husband also separated and eventually divorced.

During the 6 month separation my FWH and the OW had every opportunity to be together.
They never once contacted each other.

Some of the affairs are these 'bubble' affairs. An escape from reality I guess but no real emotional attachment.

My FWH showed extreme remorse immediately after d-day and was completely transparent and willing to anything to reconcile. He went to AA, got sober, went to IC.
We R after 6 months of separation and now 7 yrs post d-day have a 'new' marriage.

But, initially,I couldn't understand it either.
I assumed that anyone that has an affair wants to leave the marriage and must be 'in luv' with the AP.
Apparently that is not the case for many of the WS.

Ostrich80 posted 12/11/2013 02:09 AM

Said the texting was just a game and that it was like a fantasy of some sort???? WTH? I could of full filled that fantasy Im no prude. Guess it all boils down to the fact that he wanted MOW at the time and not me!

Ding ding...give the lady a prize!!! This is exactly what I heard and what I believe now Marion.

He said the sexting was just different....I'm no prude either. We used to be pretty adventurous and I know I could out sext her with one hand tied behind my back . Bottom line, he did because he effin wanted to and it had zero to do with me.

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