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senseless posted 12/10/2013 14:00 PM

I've lurked for a couple days and finally (I think) am together enough to post this.

My wife cheated on me. I suspected it for awhile. Red flags around cell phones and whatnot. I'm sure that is no surprise.....

Saturday night I found a cell phone that hadn't been used in a couple months. I found 14 texts from October with a former co worker of ours. A few were benign. The rest most certainly were not. This is the person with whom I'd suspected something was afoot.

I confronted her. She admitted it. She said it was one physical encounter among about a month of flirting/innuendo. She immediately broke it off knowing it was a mistake and has been trying to figure out how to tell me.

I left for a few hours. I had to. I was enraged and needed to be alone. My 13 year old daughter overheard our conversation or bits of it. I did not suspect she was still awake. I hate that part. We have a 9 year old and a 1 year old as well. It is for them that I came back.

She is contrite. I am hurt. I want to forgive her but it is difficult.

I do not understand this affair at all. Were he younger (he's 16 years my senior and 20 years hers), better looking or in better health (already had one open heart surgery) I could sorta get it. I'm at a loss though and she can't explain it. Or is afraid to.

I cry every morning. That is not normal for me. We have been intimate every night. Its odd but there is some odd primal drive that is making me incredibly sexually attracted to her. I always have been as she is an attractive woman, but this is some odd trick of evolutionary biology or my own twisted psyche.

I want to read the rest of the now deleted texts. As this was on a tracfone I understand I am probably SOL. I feel like that would give me the context I need to figure this out. Am I nuts?

HeartbrokenDude posted 12/10/2013 14:18 PM

So sorry, your situation is not entirely unlike mine. I found out through my wife's cellphone that she was having an affair, also with a man 20 years older. She is blaming it on unmet emotional needs, but she neglected to tell me about any of these needs, and I had naively assumed all was okay with our marriage, even though we weren't emotionally close. She hid it all very well.

What you're experiencing sexually is called "hysterical bonding," and is not uncommon.

It's a long road back... I would recommend starting by finding a good marriage counselor. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by HeartbrokenDude at 2:18 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

sudra posted 12/10/2013 14:20 PM

Hi Senseless. Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us but you will find lots of support here.
Read around the website, there's lots of help to be found. On the upper right of your screen there is a yellow box. Click on "The Healing Library" for some great reading.

First, take a breath. This is HARD. Try to rest, eat and drink water when you can.

Second, know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. People have affair (A) because of their own issues, not because their spouse is not good enough.

Third, if you are not sure whether you want to remain married, know that you do NOT have to make an immediate decision on whether to divorce. Many recommend waiting 6-12 months before deciding what to do. This gives time to see if the wayward spouse (WS) is willing to do the hard work of reconciling (R). The betrayed spouse (BS) does not have to decide right away. It's okay to wait and see. You don't owe anyone any explanation.

Fourth, find someone you trust to confide in. Do consider, though, that you might not want to tell everyone at this point. If you should decide to R, it can be hard to deal with all of those people knowing. Find a counselor (IC) who specializes in infidelity to help you get through this.

The crazy sex is call hysterical or hyper bonding. You can read about it in The Healing Library. It's not unusual, although not everyone experiences it. HOWEVER, you and she need to be tested for STDs before you continue with this. Make sure she shows you the results of her test. Men cannot be tested for everything, so BOTH need to do this. Even if she said they used protection.

Again, remember to drink water and try to eat. It's not unusual for new BSs to lose tons of weight from the stress of infidelity. Nothing hurts like the betrayal of infidelity. NOTHING.

I don't know about recovering the text messages. I do know that your wife should answer all of your questions. She needs to send the other man (OM) an no contact letter that you see and approve and watch her send (email, whatever). Do NOT let her do it in person. Neither of them deserved this "closure" and it often lead to one last romp in bed.

I also recommend counseling for her as well. She needs to find out why she cheated. Cheating is not a marital issue - it's a personal issue. People cheat because they are broken, not because the marriage is broken. Marriage counseling will be a must if you want to reconcile (R), in my opinion.

Others will be posting advice as well. Post often if you need to talk.

Take care.

sportsfan posted 12/10/2013 14:24 PM

No, senseless, you are not nuts. You are in unfamiliar territory, you are hurt and you're feeling desperate. Welcome to SI.

Let me first say that whatever happens from now on please know that YOU will make it. Your M may recover or it may not but trust me when I say that YOU WILL. When you sense things are becoming intolerable please refer to that.

There is no typical characteristic of an AP. 20 years younger or 20 years older - it doesnít matter. What IS consistent of an AP is he/she doesnít give a shit about you, your kids or your M. HE wasnít thinking about you during the A so donít give much thought to HIM.

Be careful about ďforgivingĒ your W so soon into this Ö please learn exactly about what forgiving is before you consider it. You donít need to forgive her to have a successful R.

Concentrate on you for now. Eat well, rest, exercise.

When was dday?

lordhasaplan? posted 12/10/2013 14:26 PM

Ill add to sudras list.
1. STD testing for both of you.
2. Go to a lawyer and see what your rights are even if yuor going to reconcile.
3. Are you sure this is her only affair? Has she had others?
4. Have her do a time line of her affair/affairs. every detail she can remember. This will allow you to ask questions.
5. Every password is yours and she is transparent about everything you have access to email, texts etc. and her location at all times.
6. if this man is married out the affair to his spouse asap.

senseless posted 12/10/2013 14:30 PM

The sex was mid Oct. We are sitting down tonight to do a talk/timeline. I don't presently know the exact date. The texts I read were from around 10/8/13. She said the sex was about a week later.

I found out Dec 7. Though I suspected long before.

She says this is her only affair. I suspected an earlier one but she stringently denies it. I don't know.

Yes he is married with 2 kids n college.

No12turn2 posted 12/10/2013 14:33 PM

I wanted to know all and I mean ALL of the details. Trust me...It can be exciting now, but it will haunt you for a very long time.

Nailinmyforehead posted 12/10/2013 14:49 PM

I myself only wanted to know what I felt I needed to know to heal at specific times. Be careful and think through all scenarios when asking details. Once you know something, you cannot "un-know" it and it can be devastating. Good luck, Brother, and shower your kids with love and patience.

kra127 posted 12/10/2013 14:52 PM

I found out about my WH's affair from a cell phone and know first hand how it sucks. Please get a full panel of STD testing done to protect yourself and have your WW do the same. I too never got to read the texts only know about them through our phone records. I would recommend getting a timeline, having her send a NC email/letter and get yourself into IC and MC if you think you are ready. You will find that your emotions will be all over the place. One day you'll be a crying mess and the next more angry then you ever knew you could be. Take it one day at a time and do not make any quick decisions. We're hear when you want to vent.

ShedSomeLight posted 12/10/2013 14:56 PM

I am so sorry. Welcome to the place that none of us wanted to find.

I am 4 months in to this, so I can offer some advise. I first want to say that "cheaters" minimize, so if she said it was once, I would probably say it is not true. Dig deep. It could be more than one affair. I am sorry to say this, but when cheater get caught or confess, they minimize.

Also, being especially sexually attracted is normal. I was similar.

Get immediatley tested for STD's. I am sorry to bring this up, but make her get tested and you do the same.

Get into therapy together immediately. Without a third party, it will be hard to get through it all.


Daddo posted 12/10/2013 14:58 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Infidelity is devastating. Only someone who has been through it can understand how profound and terrible a blow it is.

First, realize that you are in the emotional equivalent of shock. You are at the start of a long roller coaster - which will swing from despair to hope, from love to hate, from anger to forgiveness - and not necessarily in that order.

Before you go to lawyers, before you decide what you want or what you can do, before you can move-on (whatever that means), you need time.

You need a couple of months to digest this, to stop the bleeding, to discover the truth, to start healing.

Start by:

1. Ggetting your WS to agree to complete non-contact with the other guy

2. Complete openness - you get 100% access to all computers and phones, bills and credit cards, all email accounts, all passwords, social media....

You need this. If you are ever to trust her again, you will need to be able to verify her trustworthiness - and this will take years.

3. Tell her that the next 6 months will be a time-out. Your marriage won't be much fun. You may vacillate between neediness and distance and between love and hate - you will be an emotional wreck. You need 6 months before you will be ready to know if you can love her again. The neediness you will at times feel may look like love - but it is something else.

The point is, make the next 6 months a time you can focus on getting off the roller coaster - then you can deal with your marriage and your future. Don't try to figure it all out now.

4. Read the 180 rules - they can be found here:

It provides some great guidelines on what to do and how to behave during this crisis.

6. Discovery - you will probably need to go over every detail leading up tom through and post affair. You will probably obsess over getting the truth - the truth that you WS will want to do anything but talk about. She needs to understand how important this is to your healing, towards your ever trusting her again.

5. Get some help. You have taken a major wound - the emotional equivalent of being hit by a car. You will suffer anxiety, depression, rage.... it is really hard to get through this shit alone. You may need sleeping pills, anti-anxiety meds... they can really help. Better still, start working out like mad - get that stress out of your system by running, biking, lifting....

Finally, keep reading and posting. You will get lots of love, support and understanding here. Good luck

[This message edited by Daddo at 2:59 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

stillprettyupset posted 12/10/2013 16:34 PM

You're right in picking that name...just f'ing senseless. It is nothing you did or failed to do. It is nothing special about him except that he has no conscience and is an expert user.

Your WW is broken somehow and that is the Why you may struggle with. Take your time and, even though she used to be your best friend and confidant, she is now the subject of an investigation. Only tell her enough of what you know to get an answer. Remember that minimizing issue. If you say you saw two text messages, she will admit that she sent two text messages. God, I wish you didn't have to be here. So sorry.

kenny55 posted 12/10/2013 17:40 PM

As another has alredy said, do not rush to forgive. You are in major shook right now even though you may not think so. You are young, get counseling. Be prepared to find out it was more than once. Hang tough man.

sportsfan posted 12/10/2013 17:46 PM

Another thing to consider, senseless, is to alert APís wife of the A. There is nothing that ends an A quite like that. Sheíll likely tell you that they no longer have any communication or that YOU will destroy a marriage but that canít be farther from the truth.

And about the crying Ö we all do or have over this so please know that is also normal. If you didnít care for your W and your M as you do then you wouldn't shed any tears. Plus, letting out those emotions is healthy. I donít ever recall crying over anything until my Wís A Ö and then I found myself in a fetal position more than once.

Daddo posted 12/10/2013 19:21 PM

I agree with alerting the wife or gf of the other shmuck.

However, don't rush into telling every family member. You have the right to tell anyone you feel the need too. You should tell friends or close family members who are likely to give you support (you will need the support). However, telling everyone in town can burn bridges. Think long and hard about who you want to tell.

Dare2Trust posted 12/11/2013 02:33 AM

I agree: The Om's wife must be told...regardless of how much your wife begs you not to tell. This will assure you that the affair has not gone underground.

senseless posted 12/13/2013 09:18 AM

With yesterday the other shoe dropped. I pulled the SD card from the phone and ran recovery software. Found some pictures. They were not fun to see. They would have been, had my wife been sending them to me. In this context. Not so much. The date stamps also put the lie to this only lasting a month with sex only happening once. More drama and confrontation and she finally admits to a six month affair May-October of this year. With multiple sex acts.

I have the Sim card from the phone. I have a Sim card reader on its way to me today. I have recovery software installed and waiting. I will know the truth. She knows this too. I'm sitting in the waiting room of her Dr.'s office getting her STD panel run. I had that particular humiliation yesterday.

Counseling starts today. I want to make this work, but it is a long road back.

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