I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Infidelity is devastating. Only someone who has been through it can understand how profound and terrible a blow it is.
First, realize that you are in the emotional equivalent of shock. You are at the start of a long roller coaster - which will swing from despair to hope, from love to hate, from anger to forgiveness - and not necessarily in that order.
Before you go to lawyers, before you decide what you want or what you can do, before you can move-on (whatever that means), you need time.
You need a couple of months to digest this, to stop the bleeding, to discover the truth, to start healing.
Start by:
1. Ggetting your WS to agree to complete non-contact with the other guy
2. Complete openness - you get 100% access to all computers and phones, bills and credit cards, all email accounts, all passwords, social media....
You need this. If you are ever to trust her again, you will need to be able to verify her trustworthiness - and this will take years.
3. Tell her that the next 6 months will be a time-out. Your marriage won't be much fun. You may vacillate between neediness and distance and between love and hate - you will be an emotional wreck. You need 6 months before you will be ready to know if you can love her again. The neediness you will at times feel may look like love - but it is something else.
The point is, make the next 6 months a time you can focus on getting off the roller coaster - then you can deal with your marriage and your future. Don't try to figure it all out now.
4. Read the 180 rules - they can be found here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
It provides some great guidelines on what to do and how to behave during this crisis.
6. Discovery - you will probably need to go over every detail leading up tom through and post affair. You will probably obsess over getting the truth - the truth that you WS will want to do anything but talk about. She needs to understand how important this is to your healing, towards your ever trusting her again.
5. Get some help. You have taken a major wound - the emotional equivalent of being hit by a car. You will suffer anxiety, depression, rage.... it is really hard to get through this shit alone. You may need sleeping pills, anti-anxiety meds... they can really help. Better still, start working out like mad - get that stress out of your system by running, biking, lifting....
Finally, keep reading and posting. You will get lots of love, support and understanding here. Good luck
[This message edited by Daddo at 2:59 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]