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Reallyremorseful posted 12/10/2013 14:33 PM

I am a WH who is desperately trying to show my beautiful wonderful amazing BW that I am trying to fix myself so that i can earn a chance at R. No matter what i do it seems like i keep making things worse. We have our ups and downs, we are 4 months out from dday. Any suggestions from WS or BS would be very welcome. BW has posted and the majority of suggestions have been for her to run from me and my lies. I understand why. My affairs began as an EA before BW and i were married and turned PA shortly after our 1st son was born in january 2011. I had another EA followed by a PA and 2 more EAs that i was attempting to turn into PAs. All of this spans the past 5 years. We have been married since june 12, 2009. I know this is an enormous sh*t sandwich that i have forced on her and i regret my every lie, lack of boundaries and infidelity. I am sorry for what i did bc i did what i knew was wrong and bc of the consequences of my actions for my wife, our sons and myself. I am in IC. My problems include communication,conflict avoidance, compartmentalization, complete lack of boundaries, low self worth and a sense of entitlement, among other issues. I know i have destroyed our family and i am trying to stop the hemorrhaging so that i can help her to heal from what i have done. We tried MC for a bit but she didn't feel like i have come far enough for it to be worthwhile. I am looking for any specific things that have been helpful in rebuilding trust, showing her that i love her and want to get my family back. I am really trying hard to make lasting meaningful and tangible changes to be the man i should be and any guidance i can get will be greatly appreciated. Thank you

soconfusednow posted 12/10/2013 15:33 PM

So you've been unfaithful since before you were married & want to know how to convince your BS to R?

I'd tell BS you want more than anything to R, but need to fix yourself. Ask BS what she needs/wants. To avoid a misunderstanding, repeat it back to her and/or write it down & ask if that's correct. Tell her if her want/needs change you would like her to tell you.

Then back off a bit with the I have to fix us, except for the things she stated & work on fixing yourself. Occasionally ask if her needs/wants have changed. Keep yourself faithful to her even if your not together, (if you can't do it while you are apart what's to say you will if you're together). As you fix yourself and become respectful to BS & yourself maybe she will see that & desire R.

If your BS choses R remember every day that it is a gift you need to appreciate & be thankful for.

painfulpast posted 12/10/2013 17:54 PM

Hi Reallyremorseful,

You say several things in your post that make it sound as if things are getting worse, but you don't really say what is happening. Are things actually getting worse, or are you just feeling worse because it's been 4 months and there is no sign of R coming from your wife?

Please know this - your wife may never want to reconcile. I know, that's not what you want to read, but that does not mean you shouldn't continue to work on YOU. With or without your wife, you should work on becoming the very best man you can be. You deserve that, and your sons do as well. Taking action is the first step, so congratulations on that!!

I don't mean to come off as cold. I just hope you realize that changing for her won't work, and you need to change for you. That's all.

Reallyremorseful posted 12/10/2013 21:42 PM

Thank you for the replies! I appreciate the suggestions and the next time we talk i will ask her for what she needs from me right now. I am back at home with BW and sons. I really am trying and have told her what i am doing in IC. I think last night i was finally able to articulate myself in coherent fashion about IC, what i am working on and where i am trying to go. As far as things worse now then before, we have ups and downs which have been punctuated by some very significant intimate connections, but the last TT has shattered any progress and BW claimed she wants a D after the holidays. I realize that the revelation of a new fact that is in conflict with previous admissions is like starting all over again and i am very sorry for that. Not to make excuses but i do tend to blank out when talking w BW and that predates As. Also what i told her in the beginning was true to the best of my memory but i remembered more this particular time and said something that conflicted with that and so was lying again. I understand any chance of R is a generous gift from my BW and i treasure every moment we spend together as a family, every moment w our sons and every moment as a couple. And yet i realize no matter what i achieve in IC we may not be able to R. I am afraid of that but i know i must heal myself for me, bc i do matter and must make changes so that i can be the father, man, friend and husband i want to be. I owe my sons a worthwhile example and all of the love and attention that i can give them, times billions! I just hope that i am not too late to have that in context of a reconcilied marriage.

peoplepleaser posted 12/11/2013 09:51 AM

Very respectfully, we are in a similar position in that my WS has TT that devastates me each time and makes it appear as if she is lying by omission along the way. She has told me the same thing you posted--that her memory gets locked up when taking to me and once she said that the reality of her actions made it difficult to recall the details I was requesting. What I would like her to do is take time to explore the details on her own until she knows she has gathered all the information and bring the entire story to me, including more details about the A that make little sense to me.

Recently I discovered that WS was spending time thinking the A through in an effort to understand herself better, but was holding this information until I asked. She said she did this because she didn't want to ruin a good day by bringing it up, and she wanted to be ready for my questions. From a BS point of view, waiting for questions to be asked feels like more TT. So if disclosure has a distinct pattern of TT, even in this way, I would suggest that maybe you bring any new information to BS on your own immediately in an attempt to demonstrate transparency so you can rebuild trust.

From little experience so far and from reading the threads on here, it seems that each new bit of information will accompany more rage. But that makes sense. It's more information the BS has to incorporate into their working version if the story of the A, as well as how that information existed alongside their version of the M relationship at that time. It also presents a need to rethink it all to figure out what that information means or what it reveals as it relates to the present M relationship. However, these setbacks might be worth the trust it has the potential to build in the long run.

That's just my two cents, and again I admit I am new to this whole thing. Others might disagree, which I welcome.

atsenaotie posted 12/11/2013 11:22 AM

Hi RR,

I can understand why she thought that in 4 months or less you had not come far enough for MC. I suspect she would like to see some changes in behavior and perceptions from you, and then see these changes sustained. How are you doing in IC addressing your issues?

I am also trying to figure out how come I lack confidence, avoid conflict and compartmentalize so much and so completely.

These would all be good things to have a handle on before trying to work on the M.

...i am trying to stop the hemorrhaging so that i can help her to heal from what i have done.

You can stop inflicting any new hurts by maintaining NC and good boundaries, by working on your issues, truthfully and fully answering her questions, but healing is really on her. It will take her time, a lot of time, and internal personal working through her feelings form your lying and betrayal to get to a point of acceptance where she may be ready to begin to work with you on the M. In the meanwhile the best thing you can do is work on you.

What else are you doing? Have you read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with your BS how these books do or do not apply to your A and your M? Do you know your BSís Love Language, and do you act and speak your love for her in her language? Do you take on extra household chores to provide time for her to go out with friends, work on hobbies, and participate in activities she enjoys? Do you give up some of your activities and hobbies to free up some money for her to engage in hers? You mention that your family is trying to help stop the hemorrhaging? I hope they are not trying to tell her to move on.

ETA, whoops, I lost track that I was in Wayward and thought I was in General. I apologize for over-stepping in my original post.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:44 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Reallyremorseful posted 12/11/2013 15:44 PM

Thank you all again for the replies. I feel like i am really beginning to understand myself and to learn how to reflect on and view myself honestly through IC. I am currently working on writing out a timeline that is as thorough and complete as possible to address my As from the beginning so that i do not TT. After i complete that task i will definitely read, i have acquired a small library on infidelity in order to expand my knowledge and ability to rebuild. I have tried to pick up as much as possible at home. I especially try to take the nighttime feedings for our infant to give my BW as much opportunity to sleep as possible. I will definitely encourage her to take time to study and take part in any activities she is interested in while i watch the boys. I am a LEO and do have some odd tours at times. Plus i do try to make as much overtime as possible but i am trying to plan things out w BW and to no longer act unilaterally. I do need to read the love languages book but i have been much more vocal in my appreciation of all that she does for us and specifically for me. I will definitely reflect on and put these suggestions into practice. Please keep the advice coming!! Thanks!

atsenaotie posted 12/11/2013 16:00 PM

I do need to read the love languages book but i have been much more vocal in my appreciation of all that she does for us and specifically for me.

RR, and this is exactly why knowing her Love Language is important. Being vocal in appreciation sounds like "words of affirmation" in the Love languages. For my FWW that would be hitting the nail on the head, but if words of affirmation are not her Love Languages, then they fall on deaf ears to a large extent. Because words of affirmation were FWW's Love Language, she assumed they were mine too. She affirmed me, told me how much she appreciated me. For me, it was kind of awkward and embarassing, and frakly I knew I was doing a good job much of the time, and I did not belive her when I knew I was not doing a good job.

My Love Languages are Quality Time and Touch. To feel connected and loved, I needed FWW to hug me, rub my back, participate in activities with me (even housework) and have sex with me. When I felt she desired me as a man and enjoyed time with me, nothing else mattered.

So you need to know what your BS's LL is. If it is words of affirtmation you may be doing fine, if not, like me you may need to learn to speak in her language.

I will definitely encourage her to take time to study and...

Make the opportunities available, but be careful that encouraging does not come across as nagging or suggesting she needs to study or have a hobby.

I am sorry for what i did bc i did what i knew was wrong ...

So here is a good place to start in IC if you are not already, why did you do what you knew to be wrong? My FWW had to answer this questiuon too. She knew her A was wrong, yet she had multiple LTAs and OM.

I had a teacher in high school who used to say, "If you are sorry, change." I did not understand completely back then, but I think it really applies to a WS who wants to R.

Reallyremorseful posted 12/11/2013 21:09 PM

Thank you. I have already begun enacting your suggestions. I have offered her time for herself and have tried to use her LL more tonight. She appreciates verbal affirmation but her LLs are touch and acts of service. I am trying to reach out to her as much as possible to be more connected w her while i work on my timeline/confession. I know it has been taking me much longer then i intended since i made up my mind to actually write it out and it is definitely much later then my BW needed it. But i am working on it and want it done right so that we dont have to start it over again thanks for the honesty support and advice.

Senraba02 posted 12/11/2013 22:43 PM

Dear Reallyremorseful,

Hi. I am a WS, and being on the unfaithful end I can tell you that in order to be "Really Remorseful" you have to have a point in which you forget about yourself and live and give soley for the one you betrayed. To me, it sounds like you were never really in love with your wife from day 1. Your remorse is from the trauma of being caught and your looking for redemption. Your really not looking for her forgiveness and to build a life with her. I'm truly sorry. I am just speculating on what I read in your post. One, a mistake. The second one was just because you could. And beyond that just makes you a habitual offender.
I'm on month 15 and my WH is still struggling and has set backs. That is completely normal for up to 2 plus years. At month 4 she is still struggling with coming to terms that it even happened. The best thing you could do for her is give her space and let her decide when SHE is ready to make progress

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