I'd tell BS you want more than anything to R, but need to fix yourself. Ask BS what she needs/wants. To avoid a misunderstanding, repeat it back to her and/or write it down & ask if that's correct. Tell her if her want/needs change you would like her to tell you.
Then back off a bit with the I have to fix us, except for the things she stated & work on fixing yourself. Occasionally ask if her needs/wants have changed. Keep yourself faithful to her even if your not together, (if you can't do it while you are apart what's to say you will if you're together). As you fix yourself and become respectful to BS & yourself maybe she will see that & desire R.
If your BS choses R remember every day that it is a gift you need to appreciate & be thankful for.
You say several things in your post that make it sound as if things are getting worse, but you don't really say what is happening. Are things actually getting worse, or are you just feeling worse because it's been 4 months and there is no sign of R coming from your wife?
Please know this - your wife may never want to reconcile. I know, that's not what you want to read, but that does not mean you shouldn't continue to work on YOU. With or without your wife, you should work on becoming the very best man you can be. You deserve that, and your sons do as well. Taking action is the first step, so congratulations on that!!
I don't mean to come off as cold. I just hope you realize that changing for her won't work, and you need to change for you. That's all.
Recently I discovered that WS was spending time thinking the A through in an effort to understand herself better, but was holding this information until I asked. She said she did this because she didn't want to ruin a good day by bringing it up, and she wanted to be ready for my questions. From a BS point of view, waiting for questions to be asked feels like more TT. So if disclosure has a distinct pattern of TT, even in this way, I would suggest that maybe you bring any new information to BS on your own immediately in an attempt to demonstrate transparency so you can rebuild trust.
From little experience so far and from reading the threads on here, it seems that each new bit of information will accompany more rage. But that makes sense. It's more information the BS has to incorporate into their working version if the story of the A, as well as how that information existed alongside their version of the M relationship at that time. It also presents a need to rethink it all to figure out what that information means or what it reveals as it relates to the present M relationship. However, these setbacks might be worth the trust it has the potential to build in the long run.
That's just my two cents, and again I admit I am new to this whole thing. Others might disagree, which I welcome.
I can understand why she thought that in 4 months or less you had not come far enough for MC. I suspect she would like to see some changes in behavior and perceptions from you, and then see these changes sustained. How are you doing in IC addressing your issues?
I am also trying to figure out how come I lack confidence, avoid conflict and compartmentalize so much and so completely.
These would all be good things to have a handle on before trying to work on the M.
...i am trying to stop the hemorrhaging so that i can help her to heal from what i have done.
You can stop inflicting any new hurts by maintaining NC and good boundaries, by working on your issues, truthfully and fully answering her questions, but healing is really on her. It will take her time, a lot of time, and internal personal working through her feelings form your lying and betrayal to get to a point of acceptance where she may be ready to begin to work with you on the M. In the meanwhile the best thing you can do is work on you.
What else are you doing? Have you read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with your BS how these books do or do not apply to your A and your M? Do you know your BSís Love Language, and do you act and speak your love for her in her language? Do you take on extra household chores to provide time for her to go out with friends, work on hobbies, and participate in activities she enjoys? Do you give up some of your activities and hobbies to free up some money for her to engage in hers? You mention that your family is trying to help stop the hemorrhaging? I hope they are not trying to tell her to move on.
ETA, whoops, I lost track that I was in Wayward and thought I was in General. I apologize for over-stepping in my original post.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:44 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
I do need to read the love languages book but i have been much more vocal in my appreciation of all that she does for us and specifically for me.
RR, and this is exactly why knowing her Love Language is important. Being vocal in appreciation sounds like "words of affirmation" in the Love languages. For my FWW that would be hitting the nail on the head, but if words of affirmation are not her Love Languages, then they fall on deaf ears to a large extent. Because words of affirmation were FWW's Love Language, she assumed they were mine too. She affirmed me, told me how much she appreciated me. For me, it was kind of awkward and embarassing, and frakly I knew I was doing a good job much of the time, and I did not belive her when I knew I was not doing a good job.
My Love Languages are Quality Time and Touch. To feel connected and loved, I needed FWW to hug me, rub my back, participate in activities with me (even housework) and have sex with me. When I felt she desired me as a man and enjoyed time with me, nothing else mattered.
So you need to know what your BS's LL is. If it is words of affirtmation you may be doing fine, if not, like me you may need to learn to speak in her language.
I will definitely encourage her to take time to study and...
Make the opportunities available, but be careful that encouraging does not come across as nagging or suggesting she needs to study or have a hobby.
I am sorry for what i did bc i did what i knew was wrong ...
So here is a good place to start in IC if you are not already, why did you do what you knew to be wrong? My FWW had to answer this questiuon too. She knew her A was wrong, yet she had multiple LTAs and OM.
I had a teacher in high school who used to say, "If you are sorry, change." I did not understand completely back then, but I think it really applies to a WS who wants to R.
Hi. I am a WS, and being on the unfaithful end I can tell you that in order to be "Really Remorseful" you have to have a point in which you forget about yourself and live and give soley for the one you betrayed. To me, it sounds like you were never really in love with your wife from day 1. Your remorse is from the trauma of being caught and your looking for redemption. Your really not looking for her forgiveness and to build a life with her. I'm truly sorry. I am just speculating on what I read in your post. One, a mistake. The second one was just because you could. And beyond that just makes you a habitual offender.
I'm on month 15 and my WH is still struggling and has set backs. That is completely normal for up to 2 plus years. At month 4 she is still struggling with coming to terms that it even happened. The best thing you could do for her is give her space and let her decide when SHE is ready to make progress