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trying to figure out my strange cycling

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Athene posted 12/10/2013 15:04 PM

I get so frustrated with a pattern/cycle I'm noticing in myself. Early in the day, I wake up hoping for a good day. My WH's words or hug or text will carry me thru the morning and I look forward to having a good evening with him and the girls after work and hopefully having an open, productive, heartfelt, vulnerable discussion with him later that night. I feel loving. I feel hopeful. As the day goes on, I get more tired and fatigued and by the time I'm driving home, I sometimes end up driving around the block several times because I just can't go in and face him and act like we're fine. I don't feel open, safe, vulnerable, in love. I don't feel hopeful. I get home, help with dinner and the kids and then leave to hide in my room once the girls go to bed. I don't have the energy or desire to discuss anything. I feel drained. I just don't understand why this switch flips in the day for me. I wish I could stay positive like in the morning. I feel like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde or something. Nothing has triggered me or happened. My WH has not done anything wrong since the morning. Often, he even calls me in the afternoon or sends me a loving message. I just don't get it. I wonder if putting on a brave face in front of everyone all day and smiling/acting all day wears on me and maybe I get resentful/tired of having to do this by the end of the day?
I just can't shake this for some reason.
Any thoughts that may help me figure this out?

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/10/2013 15:10 PM

Exact same happens with me. I reckon I just get tired and the negative thoughts come into my head and my primitive brain kicks into protect mode and I start to struggle. I go numb. I cry. I get angry
What works is to tell fwh what's happening. I text him if I'm at work or talk to him if I'm not. By evening I'm calmer because I haven't stifled anything. Even though what comes out often makes no sense at all. He helps me decipher it
By bedtime I'm ready to fall asleep in his arms. I know that despite everything he is in my corner. Even when that's hard for him.
Next day much the same
The rollercoaster is no fun but it is what it is.

Dreamland posted 12/10/2013 21:16 PM

I think you are onto something but i also noticed that while i am at work or away from him I am strong, independent and worthy. I also miss fWH when I feel secure at work. But then i come home and after a while i am angry, disgusted and doubtful of our marriage.
So it definitely gets worse during my monthly cycle..

BeautifulEmpty posted 12/10/2013 23:39 PM

Ugh..I have an rx in my purse for Prozac only for that time of the month because my cycle is awful for my brain.
I haven't filled it but it sits there looking at me.
When I'm pmsing, I become hopeless, impossibly sad, right back in the past, mind movies although not nearly as bad as at first...angry that I have to suffer while he can hardly remember her stupid shrub-like name. Angry when he asks me 'what's wrong?' Like, why doesn't he freaking know? It should be obvious, right? Well, maybe not and when I'm off the pms train, I hardly think about her/them/the beautiful life they were planning together....grrr.
I cycle through single days too sometimes but still, anymore it's mostly just before shark week. Honestly, during that time, it should still be shark week except I'm the shark instead of the bait.
I will wake up and destroy the day before we even get out of bed. I hate who I've become.

My heart goes out to everyone hurting with this.

RipsInMyChest posted 12/11/2013 06:02 AM

Maybe ego depletion? There is research out there about ego depletion and how it affects willpower and decision making abilities. My H gets severely ego depleted, so much so that it is difficult to talk in the evenings about anything serious.

sodamnlost posted 12/11/2013 06:39 AM

I wonder if putting on a brave face in front of everyone all day and smiling/acting all day wears on me and maybe I get resentful/tired of having to do this by the end of the day?

I get this BAD. When I have to "fake it", I am exhausted and feel even more isolated. It's like the icky feelings have been ignored for too long and stuffed down when in faking it so they are bigger when I no longer have to fake it. Do you journal? Maybe take quick 5 minute breaks to re-connect with the real feelings under the fake ones? Just am idea - I don't work so my spells of faking it are not daily and long hours at a time. I have tried the journaling though and it helps me feel less alone.

karmahappens posted 12/11/2013 06:51 AM

I just can't go in and face him and act like we're fine

I bet this ^^^ is your problem.

I understand you have to fake it at work, we all do as much as we can. It's exhausting.

To then have to go home and fake it, that's too much.

I look forward to having a good evening with him and the girls after work and hopefully having an open, productive, heartfelt, vulnerable discussion with him later that night.

Do you have to do this every night? Can you just "be"? I would suggest you save the heartfelt discussions for 1 or 2 nights a week. As much as you have them and they make you feel connected, it is ok to do it once if not twice a week. Save the heavy talks for when you are refreshed and ready, don't do it after a long work day or when you have spent a day having to fake it.

Take a night here or there to crash on the couch, watch a movie and just breathe...it will do wonders for you.

(((hugs)))

lostworld posted 12/11/2013 10:45 AM

I think that for me it was all about hope. When I was first up and out of the house, I was able to put myself in the frame of mind that "today is a brand new day and I have the energy, time, and love to really make good things happen." It was somewhat like a fantasy (I know, a huge trigger word; sorry). I was away from the house, the immediate and ever-present stress, the sheer heaviness of the sadness, and I felt hopeful about making some significant progress and change. The minute I got near home, or my H was due to arrive home, the depression and exhaustion would hit. That's when the fantasy bubble popped, and I realized that nothing major had really changed; that the pain, worry and doubt hadn't vanished; that really we were exactly the same two people this evening that we were last evening, and our lives and hearts were still a tragic mess.

What helped me was releasing myself of that burden. Instead of hoping and trying to believe that each new day would be a turning or changing point, I viewed each new day as a chance to move one more notch further on the healing continuum. Each day became one more small success in the fight to heal our M because we had simply survived it without doing any further damage. I figured that enough of those days could be strung together until we arrived at a solid and good place. Those tiny, seemingly insignificant days were enough to make us stronger so that we could continue the hard work of R (like IC, MC, improved open and honest communication, emotional regulation, restoration of trust, etc.). I didn't give up on hope; I just readjusted my expectations of what hope should bring and when it should deliver it. One final caveat, I couldn't agree more with the impact my periods made on my mood and frame of mind. The PMS crap could literally undo everything we had spent the entire month working on. To help with that battle, an incredibly supportive and skilled doctor was invaluable.

IWantDoOver posted 12/11/2013 11:52 AM

Do you have to do this every night? Can you just "be"? I would suggest you save the heartfelt discussions for 1 or 2 nights a week.

Agree!

What are your "expectations" for the day? Disappointment is tied to unmet expectations.

Athene posted 12/11/2013 16:18 PM

Thank you all for your responses.
I guess I titled it wrong with the "cycling" - I wasn't thinking of my menstrual cycle but more the mood cycles I went thru daily. LOL! But on that note, PMS sucks and I too have been unable to manage triggers as well as I could have on those days.
As for the discussions, we don't have them daily.
1-2 times a week would be great.
We have them too infrequently since my WH doesn't like to bring up anything or think about it so I'm left to initiating. By the end of the day, I'm too drained to discuss anything. So we go a couple weeks between any discussions of substance. I think we need them more often and in the mornings, I feel like I can be so open to dropping my armor a bit and really working productively/constructively without the anger/resentment taking over.
But by the end of the day, I'm too emotionally exhausted to want talk and I retreat/hide. Armor and walls up fully.
I think I'll try the journaling at lunch or before heading home to see if that will help.
I need to look into this ego depletion too.
Thank you again.

AFrayedKnot posted 12/11/2013 16:39 PM

Realizing my fWS was my biggest trigger was a hard pill for me to swallow. Over time the faking it all day seemed to settle down and I was actually able to relax and enjoy the day....until it was time to go home. The ride home still triggers me immensely. I can have a great day out, or even multiple days away on work trips and be fine...until it is time to go home. The anxiety and sadness and exhaustion set in.

Lately we have been trying to plan our evenings ahead of time so going home is something to look forward to. Some nights are planned for talks around reading or SI. Some nights are movie/TV nights. Some nights are . it has helped to both be on the same page with our expectations

lhhell posted 12/11/2013 17:28 PM

This thread was really helpful for me. I go through the same thing and the advice here makes a lot of sense.

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