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Betrayed and blind-sided

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Seton posted 12/10/2013 15:36 PM

My first post....I found out on Saturday that my SO, with whom I've lived for four years, and been serious with eight has been seeing another woman. Not just any OW, but a "sugar baby" that he met on line at This affair has Ben going on since July, and I've learned that he has been showering her with gifts of clothing, furniture, et. In addition to paying her a monthly allowance of 1,000. I found a long stream of emails between the two of them which are so hurtful...he calls her the same pet names as he calls me...they have gone several times to our "special" restaurant and so on....when I confronted him, he denied it. When I showed him the emails that I had found, he was horrified, obviously. He swears up and down that he wants me to stay...that this was a 62 year old man acting out his fantasies. They were very close to hiring another woman for a threesome, which was in the emails. He has ended it, and shown me proof of this by forwarding his email to her, and her response confirming it's over. He is begging me to stay, and not tell a soul...

I have these damning, horrificly graphic emails that, if I really wanted to, could send to his grown children (with whom I am very close) but it would most likely hurt them more than I would like.....there is no more trust....I can't decide whether to give him another chance, and would welcome any thoughts from the group...I am still reeling and in emotional agony.

Truly posted 12/10/2013 15:51 PM

Hi Seton and welcome to the club no-one ever wanted to join. You find yourself among friends.

First: Please look after yourself, the shock is huge and you must eat, drink and sleep. Walks in the fresh air also help.

Allow the things you have learnt to settle in your mind as your new reality. It takes time and you DO NOT have to make any decisions today.

I wouldn´t tell the children, they´ll figure it out in the end anyway, they always do.

I´m so very sorry for your pain ((((((((((hugs))))))))) and if I could take away your pain I would x

doggiediva posted 12/10/2013 17:44 PM

I agree, they will end up finding out on their own..Even if they don't, you may not want them finding out right away.... They should find out when you feel you have more control over what you want to say and do..

Daddo posted 12/10/2013 19:28 PM

I am so, so sorry you find yourself here.

Infidelity is devastating. Only someone who has been through it can understand how profound and terrible a blow it is.

Don't tell his kids - it won't help you or they in anyway.

What you need is to get away from the drama for a while and focus on healing. Vengence, anger . . . these are all just and normal emotions . . . but they are not going to help you.

It is way too early to know if you can or should stay with him (though eeeww, what you describe makes my skin crawl). Don't try to figure out your future. Spend some time just healing.

You just took a major emotional blow. You can't make decisions right now. I'm glad you found your way here - you will get support and advice.

You are in for a bad time, but it will get better - promise.

Seton posted 12/11/2013 09:51 AM

Thanks for you kind words...I'm afraid this whole thing is bringing out the worst in me, too. He forwarded me an a mail from her two days ago that "definitively" ended it...she said that she didn't want to be contacted by him, and she would never contact him, either. So, just this morning, I got onto his phone, and sent her a text, posing as him, and saying that I (he) needed to see her again. Within minutes, she texted back..."where and when...I'm there". So I was posing as him, and being a snoopy person, which is not my nature, but this mistrust is eating me alive. He will undoubtedly see my text, and her response, and know what I've I justified? I hate what this is making me do, but should I just sit back and trust?

1devastedmom posted 12/11/2013 10:22 AM

Hell yes you're justified. If he gets upset it's because he wasn't planning on ending it. My husband was paying for sex also and he knows that he needs to be 100% open with everything. I have access to everything including complete control over the money ( you know since he was fucking prostitutes , which is what that girl is a prostitute). You need to both get tested asap for STDs. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can say that you can save this marriage if he is serious about ending it and do everything possible to make you feel safe. My marriage is better now then it ever was. PM me if you want to talk.

1devastedmom posted 12/11/2013 10:28 AM

Actually you need to confront him about her response. That response tells me that they have no plans to end it. They're just going to wait til your guard is down or they'll take it underground. Keep an eye out for a second cellphone that he can buy really cheap. That's what most johns use to contact their whores with. Check out a post from someone similar to your husband on the wayward forumn and you'll see what lengths they go through to hide their activities from the wife.

Lostandpregnant posted 12/11/2013 10:53 AM

Sadly, I'd have to agree with the others.
I would bet any money they just took it underground.
He's paying her, why would she end it? She's a hooker, and will say what he tells her to say.
And he's obviously getting his ego fed thru this..I'm so sorry you're here :(

I wouldn't trust a word he's saying.

Seton posted 12/11/2013 11:23 AM

Lost and are you coping?

Seton posted 12/11/2013 14:22 PM

So help, please. When I go home tonight, how do I respond to the "how dare you send her a text pretending to be me"

1devastedmom posted 12/11/2013 16:16 PM

You tell him that you wanted to see if she would tell him to not contact her again like she said she would or if it was just a lie. Obviously your suspicions were right based on the way she responded. If he gets pissed you have your answer that he's going to continue seeing her or another prostitute. Look if he truly wants to work things out with you he will show complete remorse and will do ANYTHING necessary to make you feel safe. He should be an open book. The only privacy he gets is to go to the bathroom. My husband never once fought me on this including keeping 100% control of every penny he earns and what it is spent on. If he takes money out of the atm I want receipts of every spent, and keep track of him buying stuff and then getting cash back. It won't always be this way but for nowyou can't trust one word that comes out of his mouth. Cheaters lie! He needs to earn your trust back. If he's not willing to do everything necessary to earn your trust you will be back here saying that he never stopped. Trust me if he gets angry it's because he doesn't want you to ruin his good times. My husband hasn't got angry at me for anything and I've been a complete mess since dday. He says he deserves my anger and apologizes for doing this to me. Stay strong and don't put up with any bullshit.

1devastedmom posted 12/11/2013 16:21 PM

Ask him if you can put gps tracker on his phone like life360 or even better if you can get his phone when he's in the shower put spyware on it. I used mobilespy. Best money spent. Google it. You can hide a var in his car to see if he talks to her with a secret phone. You have to keep two steps ahead of him.

Seton posted 12/11/2013 19:13 PM

1 devastated mom....thanks for this tip....I just ordered it and plan to install the minute it arrives. For whatever reason, this is giving me a sense of power that I haven't felt in a while...many thanks.

UpInTheAirNow posted 12/12/2013 09:58 AM

Seton, in the top left corner is the healing library. Start reading everything you can. Especially read about the 180. Books on infidelity are helpful too. Sadly I know the self help section at barns and noble better than they do. This is the most painful thing I have ever been through. Just know this, you will get through this, again, you will get through this. Say it to yourself.
I'm 1.5 years from D day and thank god for this site. It's has really helped me.
Couple things you might want to do is get STD tested and see a lawyer. Also protect yourself financially. I took half the money out of joint accounts and made my own accounts. Canceled joint credit cards and got my own credit cards and redirected my direct deposit. If things go well in the future you can change the finances back. Him spending marital assets on his sugar girl is financial infidelity. Protect yourself. See that lawyer. And read the healing library. You found one of the most supportive sites regarding infidelity. Sorry but welcome to the club.

UpInTheAirNow posted 12/12/2013 10:01 AM

Oops. Not sure your married. My bad.

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