H and I decided to separate yesterday.
In my head I think it may be for the best. We have been spinning our wheels and not moving forward enough.
I have been stating what I need from him to feel safe and able to heal. He feels pressured and not sure if he can meet my needs.
Definitely not where I wanted us to be at this time. My heart feels like it is breaking all over again.
All those feelings from last year, not being good enough, not being loved enough.
It hurts because I often think if you loved me enough, if I meant everything to you, you would do what ever it took to show me, to help me.
It hurts. I know I am stronger than on dday. I know I will get better. Just right now today I can barely move.
He says he needs time to heal himself, away from me. Maybe I will further my healing if we are apart.
Then the anxiety kicks in, living apart and every thought that goes along with that.
Just not sure how to think about this. Not sure how to not have anxiety about what he is doing when he leaves.
These last 11 months have been focused on reconciling, trusting with verification. Now, do I just let go, not think about it, not care?
There was a family trip planned for Dec. 28, a week on an island. His whole family. I cannot go now, I just could not pretend now. Now that we have decided to separate the pain is so much greater than the hope I carried.
Now, I just cannot imagine him going without me. Just not sure how to adjust to this. Time, time and more time.
I had hoped that he would see, would realize that I am the most important thing to him. I had hoped that he would put forth the effort needed for me to feel loved again.
After betrayal it is a very hard thing to let down your guard, to feel safe, to feel loved and valued. If your needs are denied it only causes more pain. It seems to reinforce the feelings of their indifference, it makes you feel like you are not worth the effort. Just not loved.
He tells me he loves me. He is just not able to give the compassion and remorse consistently.
There is no point to any of this, I am just rambling. My day off and I have done barely anything.
I need to put up the Christmas tree. I had hoped that this year it would be done with happiness. Last year I put it up with the dog at 2am.
I do it for my kids. They are adults but they come to my house on Christmas eve so I feel I must. Also, my granddaughter is 2 this year, I want to do this for her.
For me today I just want to crawl in a hole.
Wallowing today I guess, grieving, trying to come to grips with reality.
I am going to give it a bit of time but I think I might need antidepressants. I went without before but I do not want to go back to that place again.
Merry Christmas, bah humbug