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Newest Member: wtal (61163)

User Topic: separating
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H and I decided to separate yesterday.

In my head I think it may be for the best. We have been spinning our wheels and not moving forward enough.

I have been stating what I need from him to feel safe and able to heal. He feels pressured and not sure if he can meet my needs.

Definitely not where I wanted us to be at this time. My heart feels like it is breaking all over again.

All those feelings from last year, not being good enough, not being loved enough.

It hurts because I often think if you loved me enough, if I meant everything to you, you would do what ever it took to show me, to help me.

It hurts. I know I am stronger than on dday. I know I will get better. Just right now today I can barely move.

He says he needs time to heal himself, away from me. Maybe I will further my healing if we are apart.

Then the anxiety kicks in, living apart and every thought that goes along with that.

Just not sure how to think about this. Not sure how to not have anxiety about what he is doing when he leaves.

These last 11 months have been focused on reconciling, trusting with verification. Now, do I just let go, not think about it, not care?

There was a family trip planned for Dec. 28, a week on an island. His whole family. I cannot go now, I just could not pretend now. Now that we have decided to separate the pain is so much greater than the hope I carried.

Now, I just cannot imagine him going without me. Just not sure how to adjust to this. Time, time and more time.

I had hoped that he would see, would realize that I am the most important thing to him. I had hoped that he would put forth the effort needed for me to feel loved again.

After betrayal it is a very hard thing to let down your guard, to feel safe, to feel loved and valued. If your needs are denied it only causes more pain. It seems to reinforce the feelings of their indifference, it makes you feel like you are not worth the effort. Just not loved.

He tells me he loves me. He is just not able to give the compassion and remorse consistently.

There is no point to any of this, I am just rambling. My day off and I have done barely anything.

I need to put up the Christmas tree. I had hoped that this year it would be done with happiness. Last year I put it up with the dog at 2am.

I do it for my kids. They are adults but they come to my house on Christmas eve so I feel I must. Also, my granddaughter is 2 this year, I want to do this for her.

For me today I just want to crawl in a hole.

Wallowing today I guess, grieving, trying to come to grips with reality.

I am going to give it a bit of time but I think I might need antidepressants. I went without before but I do not want to go back to that place again.

Merry Christmas, bah humbug

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're here for you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart is breaking for you and I'm so sorry you have to go through this at this time of year.

If it helps at all, I can't see how you could have tried any harder. The stupidity of the A is only surpassed by the stupidity of letting you go now.

The man clearly does not know what's good for him.

Try to soak up the love from your kids and granddaughter over the holidays.



D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 30659 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 35238
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to give you a big hug. I understand the anxiety. I won't say it has been easy, but I swear I made such progress in my healing! I feel almost whole again...

We are here for you. It might not feel like it today, but you will make it through this and you will get stronger.

Peace and strength...

BS: Me (44)
XH: Husband (49)
Married 10 years
Two children 9 & 20 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Divorced - 6/18/15

Posts: 458 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. Your pain really comes through in your post.

I'm only at nine months and I keep hearing in IC and MC that this is a two- to five-year process. Hang in there, this thing takes time. One way or the other.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 25341
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope this is the first step on a new healing path for you.


Me (BS), Him (WH): mid-50's
3 DS: 23, 23, 19
M: 28 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 33
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen

Posts: 6290 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi cantaccept.

I'm in your shoes. A year ago was my first dday and last week was my last dday. I got a year full of TT in false R.

We, too just seperated a few weeks ago. I just started anti-depressants and they ARE WONDERFUL!! :) I had anxiety, too. This is the first time I've ever taken them in my entire life. I didn't after Dday #1 either. I saw a psychiatrist and he was very helpful. I'm looking for a new IC.

I know how much it brings back all the old pain...PM if you feel like it.

You already did once.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:34 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh CCC, I am sorry honey! I too wish it wasn't so!!!

You just wallow as long as you need. It's way more than ok to lay around. Only put up the tree if it will make you feel better. I have a sister in law who left her tree up until June after her H left her (infidelity of course) because it was the only thing that cheered her up. I thought at the time how odd, but now I understand how she felt.

Maybe it's ok that he is able to say he doesn't think he can give you what you need/want instead of just spinning and not moving forward. At least now you don't have to keep your hopes up of him coming around. I mean it's horrible that he can't/won't but he isn't leading you on. In many types of tragedies, infidelity included, some people do need space and more time to heal.

I am sure you are stronger than last year, but a broken heart is still so painful. I wish I knew the cure. Please know you are cared for and supported.
Hang in there, I believe you will not only survive this but go on to find happiness in your life. Take care of YOU!

Me: BW Him: FWH in our 50's
DDay June 1st 2012
cheated with prostitutes overseas

Posts: 700 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to him.

This is about him, not you. At this point, he's not able to R, because of his own problems, not because of yours, and not because of problems in your M.

I wish for both of you that he chose a different path for his healing - but who knows? This could be best for both of you.

(((cantaccept))) (((H)))

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16591 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55101 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 34616
Member # 34616
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry (((((cantaccept)))))

Me- BW
Him - WH
Dday - 1/16/2012

~Honey, don't try to make sense out of'll drive yourself crazy in the process ~ my momma :-)

Posts: 507 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, so sorry (((cantaccept)))

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First I want to say I am sorry. I can feel your pain.
Maybe sometime apart will do you both good. I do want to say if he needs to work on himself to give you what you need then he has to do that. Maybe he doesn't know how to give you what you need. I know its been over 2 yrs for us and it has not always been a straight line, Sending you good thoughts

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, cantaccept... I'm sending big hugs. So very sorry to read this. You have tried so very hard and you've been on the wildest rollercoaster with all the ups, downs, and whipping corners.

I can absolutely understand your heartbreak. Sometimes it just feels like the pain will never stop. How is it even possible that we can still hurt? Isn't there eventually a limit? (Please?!)

Please be good to yourself. I know this is even tougher to be coping with during the holidays, especially since you had a family trip planned. I am so very sorry that you have ended up at this junction.

Sending you all the strength and encouragement I can... Remember, you CANNOT and WILL NOT accept less than you deserve! You deserve to be loved completely, to be honored, cherished, and made to feel safe.

Every road in the infidelity journey is a tough one. You WILL make it through this and you WILL come out stronger and more self-aware on the other side. You WILL find happiness again. It is always darkest before the dawn. For now, just try to find calm in the darkness and not fear. The dawn is coming and the sun will feel wonderful when it finally finds you.


Me: BS49+ 😝, Him: WH 51
M 24 years - DD21 DS19 DS16
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, S for 1 year, now Reconciling

Posts: 1475 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
♀ 41388
Member # 41388
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry - the pain of separation is tough. Please lean on your friends and family for support - that is all that has gotten me through my S. My WH is not ready for R and while I sit and wait, I know that we are healing ourselves from mistakes we have both made. We may R, but only time will tell. I feel like S, while it kills you inside, also makes you stronger - you realize what you are made of and what you can do by yourself. It really does. I've just started 180 and it has opened my eyes to a lot. It was almost impossible initially, but I am feeling a little better now. Remember that we are all here for you if you need us and we understand what you are feeling because we've been there.

Him:WH-40 (EA)
He left when confronted with the EA, refuses to talk about it, but cannot give me answers to my questions because he "doesn't know" anything.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 35679
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to say... ((cantaccept))

ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 195 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for all of your pain. Hugs to you.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
♀ 25743
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Can't!

I am just so, so sorry. I was really pulling for you.

Communication was tough for your guy, but I was hoping he would stick around here and attend IC to gather the needed insight.

I do think you sincerely gave the gift of R and the roadmap to your heart to your husband.

Can't you are going to be fine. You are. I am STILL pulling for you!


Posts: 485 | Registered: Oct 2009
Topic Posts: 61
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