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I'm not sure how I feel

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confused82402 posted 12/10/2013 17:27 PM

I haven't posted in a long time. I'm here most days still reading though. Lurking I suppose.

Everything was going well with H and I. He's been working hard on himself. He stopped the PA behavior. He stopped avoiding conflict. R was looking up and I was happy. Hell, I'd even say I trusted him as much as a BS could trust a W.

Until this weekend. On Sunday my H confessed that he broke NC. Friday was his bday and OW sent a text wishing him a happy birthday. And he replied with a simple "thank you". He said after that he freaked out and deleted the messages. I'm not sure if that's all that was said between them but I feel like he's telling the truth and I can verify this by checking the phone bill.

I'm just...shocked? Pissed? Numb? Sad? Disappointed? I don't know how I feel. We're almost 2 f'ing years out from dday and he broke NC. His first reaction to getting a text from OW was to respond and then cover it up. This far out he should have ignored it! He should have told me ASAP! He shouldn't have deleted anything! He came to me and told me this...but I don't care. He shouldn't have anything to tell. This shouldn't be an issue.

What am I supposed to do? I don't know how I feel or what I want. I can't look at him. I can't talk to him. I don't know if I want to R anymore. I don't know if I want to D. I don't know anything.

Two simple words and my whole world is turned upside down again.

Thanks Mr. Confused. Thanks a lot

cl131716 posted 12/10/2013 17:36 PM

They just don't get it do they? WS never understood that each and every time he replied "morning" to one of OW's e-mails it set me back again. He never covered it up but only because he never saw the big deal.

I am so sorry you are going through this. At least he told you but like you said there should have been nothing to tell other than "hey btw OW wished me Happy Birthday but I ignored it."

confused82402 posted 12/10/2013 17:42 PM

hey btw OW wished me Happy Birthday but I ignored it.

This is exactly what should have happened.

I'm just disappointed maybe. I really don't know how I feel. I mean, I'm having a really hard time processing this and sorting out my feelings. It's kinda funny that this hurts more than the A. He has sex with her, he told her he loved her, he lied to me and deceived me for 3 months...and somehow texting her "thank you" 2 years later hurts more. Makes no sense.

struggling3 posted 12/10/2013 19:23 PM

((((((confused82402)))))
I am really feeling for you....you know that anxious feeling that you get over all this shit. I am so afraid of this happening...but my fear is that he wouldn't even tell me. Back to the "what she doesn't know...won't hurt her" mentality. They really eff us up for a long time with this. I wish I had a better answer for you...but know my thoughts are with you.

confused82402 posted 12/10/2013 19:38 PM

Back to the "what she doesn't know...won't hurt her" mentality.

This used to be his mentality and it was obviously his first instinct. Text back then delete the evidence. He did come to me and fessed up without me finding out.

Does that show some progress? Maybe. But I just don't feel like its good enough. I feel like his first reaction showed a lot. He knew I would be hurt if he wrote her back. Yet he did it anyways. He admitted that he deleted them because he knew I would be mad if I saw the texts. Where's the progress in those actions? There isn't any. That's wayward thinking all the way.

I just don't know what to do.

hummingbird8 posted 12/11/2013 04:42 AM

You mentioned being able to verify through phone records. I would be worried that is the ONLY reason he confessed. I am sorry.

confused82402 posted 12/11/2013 09:42 AM

You mentioned being able to verify through phone records. I would be worried that is the ONLY reason he confessed.

Believe me, this has crossed my mind several times. I'm not sure if he confessed out of guilt or because he figured he'd get caught anyway.

That's the shitty part. I'll never know. And all of the trust that had been restored is gone. I was at a point where I never looked at his phone or email, I didn't check the phone records, I pretty much trusted him and he ruined it all. Again.

lostworld posted 12/11/2013 11:18 AM

I am just sick for you. I get it because something very similar happened to me. One year after the final Dday, the MOW showed up in a parking lot of one of our son's events and wanted to "talk" to my H for "closure." We had it all scripted out, and I thought there would be no problem--he'd tell her to go away and then he'd walk away. Well, he spoke to her. The good (?) news was that he responded rather stiltedly, didn't take her bait, and came home to immediately call our therapist and tell me all about it. But, like you, the damage was done.

His actions on that day took me a full year to work through, and a full two years before they no longer hurt, enraged, or threatened me. (Don't get me wrong, that two years was not spent being miserable. We still had really great times, but it took that long to really understand it all and to heal completely from it.) To over simplify it, at at the time the MOW showed up, my H had made some incredible changes, but they had not completely solidified within him. He wasn't tempted to take the bait the MOW was offering; he wasn't attracted to her or battling any emotions about her. What was really happening was his old need for ego kibbles and his underlying insecurity reared its ugly head. This encounter damn near tore us apart, but it turned out being a spotlight showing us exactly where and what work needed to be done. It's worth noting that he doesn't even recognize that guy now; however, he does remember him...and he is repulsed and disgusted by that "pathetic weakling." Obviously there is more to the story than this abridged version I provided, but the gist is there.

Confused, I don't know what your H's response means to either of you. It could be disastrous or not. It could be insurmountable or not. Either way, it hurts like hell and shakes your very foundation. I just wanted you to know that sometimes, for some folks, it can become just another step in this awful journey of healing from infidelity.

confused82402 posted 12/12/2013 10:51 AM

Thanks lostworld,

Your words gave me some hope. I'm still not sure what this means for my marriage and our R. I'm not sure if this will be a turning point for him or my breaking point.

Sadly, I haven't talked to him much since he told me. I don't really have the desire to. I feel like I've shut down in a way. I know I need to address the issue with him. I know I need to talk about it. I almost feel devoid of any emotions and it's kind of scaring me.

boontje posted 12/12/2013 11:03 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I get it. BTDT, and it is awful, in some ways worse than the original discovery. I think lostworld has given you some wise words to ponder:

sometimes, for some folks, it can become just another step in this awful journey of healing from infidelity.

I would like to add, why isn't her number blocked?

((confused))

confused82402 posted 12/12/2013 11:07 AM

I would like to add, why isn't her number blocked?

I never asked him to block her. I figured he could block her number but if she really wanted to get a hold of him she could find a way. She could call his work cell or call from a different phone number. I guess I just figured that if they really wanted to talk to each other, they'd find a way. I can't control either of them.

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