"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ItStillHurts posted 12/10/2013 17:36 PM

So, how do you deal. I felt judged.

I think I am strong enough not to care, that every family has something they just don't need to share or discuss but I felt very excluded. It is obvious my friends that I was out with discuss me/us and the looks they exchanged took me back.

You see infidelity had come up as a reason for a sports figure leaving his team. It was not common knowledge but the team and this guy decided a change was needed and so be it. BTW, sports guy single, partners, not so much.

I commented.

And the quiet...the looks exchanged...

Very awkward, more wine.

This group is a mixture of near and dear friends as well as their friends accumulated over the years. Always very nice, very fun ladies....I felt judged and hurt (afterwards) and felt surprise at the time.

My H keeps trying to get me out socially more....I really retreated after the A to family and home and one very super BFF. Not prepared I guess. They are certainly not all angels. Is it me not getting women group think again? This is what they do? Stupid rose colored glasses again.

painfulpast posted 12/10/2013 18:00 PM

Oh, that's awful

((((ItStillHurts))))

First, these 'ladies' are not very nice people. We've all been in awkward situations (or what we felt were awkward) and we don't need to look at each other when something comes up. That's just classless imo. I'm sure they do discuss you. We all discuss everyone - it's what we do as humans unfortunately. But - the discussions don't need to be cruel, or unbecoming, or catty. I've had plenty of compassionate discussions about another person. I can see why you withdrew after DDay.

You don't need these women. They're clearly juvenile at heart, as this is the kind of think I did in high school. I assume these women are similar in age to you - early 50s? And this is the best they can do?

Just remember - if this is how they act, I'm sure they spend most of their time trashing each other.

Just find some real friends. You don't need gossip hounds to socialize with.

bionicgal posted 12/10/2013 19:22 PM

People get ideas about infidelity. They really have no clue, and maybe they are passing judgement or whatever if they think they know what they'd do. You know, I was probably one of those women - thought I knew who of my friends would do it, and thought I was too much of a bad-ass, and my husband was too much of a bad-ass to ever be in that position. One of the first things I said to my minister is how humbling adultery is -- I never thought it would happen to me/us.

Sometimes we act superior because we are scared. . , terrified, really. It is not altogether unlikely that one of these women will be touched by adultery, and then maybe one day they'll remember how "sure" of themselves they were. And maybe they'll learn how freaking rock-star strong you have to be to even try to reconcile. Just maybe.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:22 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

StrongerOne posted 12/10/2013 19:27 PM

((ISH))

It's hard not to feel that people are judging you, but if they have been genuinely nice people, I'd bet that they aren't judging you, but rather feel bad and don't know what to say. They may have felt embarrassed that they let the topic of this bozo athlete come up when you are hurting.

jjsr posted 12/10/2013 21:52 PM

Well see with me I would have said something about the elephant in the room just to see their reaction. Then you would know if your are reading something into it or if they have been talking.

ItStillHurts posted 12/11/2013 19:26 PM

Thank you!

it's okay now, it has settled, I'm not going next week so I can focus on Christmas, no new hurts kind of thing. No matter their intent, I don't want to be thinking of what happened Dec 24th, 2010, and have it be dragging me down this year.

Truly, if you have not experienced/ survived/moved on from infidelity, you just don't get it.

I will think of myself as a rock star now ....and try not to open myself up like that again.

ISH

cantaccept posted 12/12/2013 04:41 AM

I also isolated myself, feel safer at home and in familiar places.

Saturday night I was attempting to change this. Went to a "friends" house.

She proceeded to drink an entire bottle of wine and the more intoxicated she became the more "informed" she was about infidelity.

It was a nightmare. I had to pull over to the side of the road and cry before going home.

She gave me all her opinions on what a scum my husband was, how he had f'd a beautiful woman and I now had to live with that forever, how ow probably didn't know and was really a good person, how "once a cheater always a cheater", how I was a fool for trying to R, that I should find someone else and then dump h.

It was crazy, I have never heard such hurtful words spill out so quickly.

I stopped her, said this is not making me feel better and I need to leave. Her reply was I am not trying to make you feel better, I am telling you the truth.

I will never have anything to do with her again.

It felt like I was her entertainment. So much for taking a risk. I must be more careful and I also must be prepared to shut down conversations more quickly.

People can be just plain stupid and cruel.

I guess it's learning who your friends really are.

steadfast1973 posted 12/12/2013 04:51 AM

This is why I have told no one. There are some who know of his EA. And I am afraid they will judge me. I already have that voice in my own head judging me, calling me stupid...
actually, I did tell my sister... She's a WS, going through it... Still in the fog... Breaking NC as often as she can. And she called me upset that he busted her again, and was "controlling her", ON Dday#2, and I laid into her...

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/12/2013 05:46 AM

((((Cantaccept)))) I am so sorry that happened to you.
What a completely inappropriate and hurtful thing to do.
My thoughts are that she is projecting her own pain onto you. Perhaps she was a victim of Infidelity at one point and never really processed it or got "closure."
Perhaps she has always been jealous of you and now is her chance to shine? I am constantly constantly amazed at the level if cruelty some people feel entitled to. I hope you never have to speak with that woman again.

I can relate. I am a hermit now. WH has tried to encourage me to go out and be social. Unfortunately, we have only been I town for a few years and in a small town that is nothing.
The girl that told me about the A was sort of my connection to the rest of the girls in the group.
At open house a few months ago, it was very obvious that this woman shared our story with many many people.
People are completely avoiding us unless we make eye co tact or approach them. And then the fake smiles and the "we should go out" all start.
He asked me why I don't call them and just go out.
I told him because it is awkward and embarrassing.
He said I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
You're damn right I don't- which is why it sucks that I am.

A woman at work, when she heard decided to tell me "well, that's why when I got married I made SURE there was no chance he would ever cheat. I picked a man that wouldn't ever do that."
Yah, honey, so did I.
So. Did. I.

It must be nice that these women have life all figured out. How happy they all must be being superior to us.
People suck.

ItStillHurts posted 12/12/2013 06:30 AM

Can't accept, that was awful. I hope you don't believe a single word she said. She sounds like an emotional train wreck.

And this

At open house a few months ago, it was very obvious that this woman shared our story with many many people.

I didn't tell anyone either. Funny though how everyone else already knew.

Shortly after my DD, 2 others were experiencing similar stories: one pregnant with H's BF baby and one got to meet her H's other family. I didn't judge, really was I in a position to? I tried to hook them up with the right resources (EFAP) and make sure the work got done by others. We don't talk about it now. It is not an elephant in the room, this social circle thing does seem very high school now doesn't it.

My brother told me silence is best suited to the person who has nothing to apologize for. I cling to that when emotions rise up at the wrong time. And sometimes, my thoughts move between am I protecting him or me when I pull back.

I can only hope they never have to walk a mile in our shoes.

ETA: It could be compassion too. Mustn't forget that.

[This message edited by ItStillHurts at 6:34 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

bionicgal posted 12/12/2013 09:53 AM

ISH
It really could be compassion - or awkwardness, or just not knowing what to do. . . I have found when I try to read other people's minds, I am generally wrong, or just projecting my own stuff on to them.

I am under the illusion that very few people know in our little town. I have told very few people, but occasionally I get a look or a glance from someone who I think might know, and I read all kinds of stuff into it. Anyway, it is helping me be more at peace with myself and in my own skin. I can't control other people's reactions, and they can only look at things from their point of view, anyway.

Peace to you today!!

ascian posted 12/12/2013 11:56 AM

My wife and I haven't told our friends yet. In part because we wanted to have our reconciliation well underway before inviting other people (and their inevitable input) into things. And in part because, for some of our friends who have been the BS before, infidelity is a very polarizing thing and not something we want to drive them away from my wife if we can help it.

We have talked in more general terms about marriage difficulties, and my wife has admitted to one of her friends that things were so bad I nearly justifiably left her.

The thing is, I know that many of our friends are struggling with similar issues. If not infidelity yet, that odd malaise with your life that seems to hit in your late 30s to mid 40s. One couple has had the "love but not in love" talk, another friend is waiting until after the holidays to divorce his BPD wife (so her resulting explosion doesn't ruin everyone else's time), another couple is dealing with their own infidelity aftermath, and so on and so on. Nobody's talking about it, nobody feels like they're able to bring this one thing into our social network for support.

I've talked with my wife, and the other infidelity-struggling couple, about just dropping the bomb at our NYE party. "Hey, everyone, fWW and I are having marriage troubles, I know others of you are too. We can all talk to each other about it, but everyone's afraid to start the conversation so I will." They're (mostly) on board, so we'll see if I have the courage of my convictions in a few weeks.