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Newest Member: beaker98 (61489)

User Topic: Profound dissapointment
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like to nice my way through life. Most the time that works quite well - I'm happy, they're happy and all is good.

Occasionally you come across people who don't view nice as nice but rather as 'weak' or someone they can twist. This is always profoundly disappointing to me. I also recognize that many of these people are pretty damaged. But damn it, nice is just...nicer!

This past weekend I turned to WH (who is being a model up to this time) and yelled at him about this topic. I don't even know why I was so triggered but I was. I even compared it to how my step-mom views it the same way and uses it to gain control and power. I ended it by saying that it sucks that some people won't treat you well unless you're mean and that I thought it was bullshit, but if mean is what he needed...

He was pretty big eyed by the end of it and suggested that we maybe stay home instead of going to the Christmas party. We did go and I did just fine, after that bellow got it out of my skin I was good.

I suspect that it may come up again because it is one of the issues I find most annoying - not that any of us are perfect, but I prefer to spread around flowers rather than manure.

Any of you have this from your WS?

Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A number of years into the marriage, but a few years before the final split, I remember XWH saying to me, "I don't like this new you. You used to be so nice and now you never smile or anything."
I just looked at him and said something along the lines of, "This is what you turned me into".
Of course he went into a hissy fit upon hearing the truth.

Me - 45
DD(24), DS(21, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

Posts: 9966 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here and There
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been people who treat nice with disdain. I have two sayings I have used:

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness.

No good deed goes unpunished.

As a manager for my kids sports team, I had to use them often.

My WS absolutely used my kindness and my trustful nature to not only conduct his A, but he also tried to use it to slide by after DDay. He then found out I could be as big a bitch as anybody. I just hated he pushed my buttons and I lowered to that level. We are all changed by the A.

Sociopaths make it their business to find "nice" people to use and twist around.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

Posts: 3451 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
♂ 41294
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Story of my life. I'm a super-peaceful man which she confuses with weak and passive.

My WS had a lot of childhood problems. Her default negative emotion is anger.

Not regret, no remorse. Anger. Red hot. Fiery anger.

Of course, the anger eventually subsides. Suspiciously after she got what she wanted.

During the fights she even talks about power and control. Apparently I am controlling and control everything. Which is why she had the opportunity to cheat on me for almost a year. And one of her main fears about working with me to help me heal is that it will upset the power balance. She thinks I'll hold it forever and that anything she does from now on she'll be "made to pay". Like it's a transaction. Really weird.

The last yelling fight was precisely about how "I held all the keys" (BS being the guy presents the interesting dynamic that sometimes she can't make it financially on her own - and boy is she pissed at that!)

BTW I believe the OM is like that with her too, so she feels like she can do the same with me, maybe.

She has not been supportive of my healing. Fog is lifting which makes her mad that now her choice is me or nothing, and I finally got her to even think about reading a book about the A again, but she pointedly told me this AM "I'm only reading the parts that concern me". Thanks, honey, I thought. My actual response "it's a great start"

Without a hint of sarcasm, either - it really is wonderful that she is finally trying to introspect. I think a lot of her issues on how she's handling this and why she did this actually predate the M, though of course I'm willing to, once she makes a decision, make any changes she thinks are necessary. But two healthy people need to do R. I can't take a repeat.

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH and healing. D final March 2016
Her: Doesn't matter anymore.
DS13 Severe SN. DD11 Awesome

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAFWH also used this against me. Apparently I was supposed to have compassion and sympathy for the whores he was screwing and blowing money on with his lap dance addiction because " you're supposed to be this nice, charitable, sweet person, but here you are bad mouthing these people!"
Hmmm. Delusional, right?

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 6246 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 100%:
Sociopaths make it their business to find "nice" people to use and twist around.

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: PA
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I inherited the nice gene from my mom. I'm still working on trying to find my voice and using it. I was raised in a home thatforgave easily and where you went out of your way to make people feel good, even when it made you feel bad sometimes. My parents are very loving and I wanted like them. Unfortunately my ws has taken huge advantage of it. I have to change or get gobbled up since he has a very strong personality.
Ws has asked me what happened to the carefree girl I was. Takes big balls to ask that. She got disrespected, cheated on, and verbally abused. I'm not carefree anymore. I'm dissatisfied, dissappointed, and weary.. Somewhere in my closet there has to be a pair of bitch boots for me...still looking.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 7

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