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Profound dissapointment

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headdesk posted 12/10/2013 17:53 PM

I like to nice my way through life. Most the time that works quite well - I'm happy, they're happy and all is good.

Occasionally you come across people who don't view nice as nice but rather as 'weak' or someone they can twist. This is always profoundly disappointing to me. I also recognize that many of these people are pretty damaged. But damn it, nice is just...nicer!

This past weekend I turned to WH (who is being a model up to this time) and yelled at him about this topic. I don't even know why I was so triggered but I was. I even compared it to how my step-mom views it the same way and uses it to gain control and power. I ended it by saying that it sucks that some people won't treat you well unless you're mean and that I thought it was bullshit, but if mean is what he needed...

He was pretty big eyed by the end of it and suggested that we maybe stay home instead of going to the Christmas party. We did go and I did just fine, after that bellow got it out of my skin I was good.

I suspect that it may come up again because it is one of the issues I find most annoying - not that any of us are perfect, but I prefer to spread around flowers rather than manure.

Any of you have this from your WS?

GabyBaby posted 12/10/2013 17:57 PM

A number of years into the marriage, but a few years before the final split, I remember XWH saying to me, "I don't like this new you. You used to be so nice and now you never smile or anything."
I just looked at him and said something along the lines of, "This is what you turned me into".
Of course he went into a hissy fit upon hearing the truth.

Lovedyoumore posted 12/10/2013 18:02 PM

There have been people who treat nice with disdain. I have two sayings I have used:

Do not mistake my kindness for weakness.

No good deed goes unpunished.

As a manager for my kids sports team, I had to use them often.

My WS absolutely used my kindness and my trustful nature to not only conduct his A, but he also tried to use it to slide by after DDay. He then found out I could be as big a bitch as anybody. I just hated he pushed my buttons and I lowered to that level. We are all changed by the A.

Sociopaths make it their business to find "nice" people to use and twist around.

GotPlayed posted 12/10/2013 18:08 PM

Story of my life. I'm a super-peaceful man which she confuses with weak and passive.

My WS had a lot of childhood problems. Her default negative emotion is anger.

Not regret, no remorse. Anger. Red hot. Fiery anger.

Of course, the anger eventually subsides. Suspiciously after she got what she wanted.

During the fights she even talks about power and control. Apparently I am controlling and control everything. Which is why she had the opportunity to cheat on me for almost a year. And one of her main fears about working with me to help me heal is that it will upset the power balance. She thinks I'll hold it forever and that anything she does from now on she'll be "made to pay". Like it's a transaction. Really weird.

The last yelling fight was precisely about how "I held all the keys" (BS being the guy presents the interesting dynamic that sometimes she can't make it financially on her own - and boy is she pissed at that!)

BTW I believe the OM is like that with her too, so she feels like she can do the same with me, maybe.

She has not been supportive of my healing. Fog is lifting which makes her mad that now her choice is me or nothing, and I finally got her to even think about reading a book about the A again, but she pointedly told me this AM "I'm only reading the parts that concern me". Thanks, honey, I thought. My actual response "it's a great start"

Without a hint of sarcasm, either - it really is wonderful that she is finally trying to introspect. I think a lot of her issues on how she's handling this and why she did this actually predate the M, though of course I'm willing to, once she makes a decision, make any changes she thinks are necessary. But two healthy people need to do R. I can't take a repeat.

Lionne posted 12/10/2013 22:28 PM

My SAFWH also used this against me. Apparently I was supposed to have compassion and sympathy for the whores he was screwing and blowing money on with his lap dance addiction because " you're supposed to be this nice, charitable, sweet person, but here you are bad mouthing these people!"
Hmmm. Delusional, right?

Dare2Trust posted 12/10/2013 23:30 PM

I agree 100%:

Sociopaths make it their business to find "nice" people to use and twist around.

Ostrich80 posted 12/11/2013 01:58 AM

I inherited the nice gene from my mom. I'm still working on trying to find my voice and using it. I was raised in a home thatforgave easily and where you went out of your way to make people feel good, even when it made you feel bad sometimes. My parents are very loving and I wanted to.be like them. Unfortunately my ws has taken huge advantage of it. I have to change or get gobbled up since he has a very strong personality.
Ws has asked me what happened to the carefree girl I was. Takes big balls to ask that. She got disrespected, cheated on, and verbally abused. I'm not carefree anymore. I'm dissatisfied, dissappointed, and weary.. Somewhere in my closet there has to be a pair of bitch boots for me...still looking.

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