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former waywards that had lta

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scream posted 12/10/2013 18:02 PM

I am a wayward that had an lta that lasted off and on for 7 years. I'm looking for help in helping my wife heal. We had made some real progress in R. But I'm having trouble remembering that far back. I have shared details and as much of a time line as possible. I want to give her more. Anyone go throught this too? Please help.

Deeply Scared posted 12/10/2013 20:35 PM


Sometimes memories honestly due fade over time, so as frustrating as that may be, you truly may only be able to recall so much.

I think if that's the case you both will have to sort through the facts/memories you can recall.

Stay consistent and are making really good progress

knightsbff posted 12/10/2013 21:57 PM


I had an on/off lta fo (I think) about 3 years. I had a terrible time trying to come up with a time line. I couldn't come up with it consecutively, I just got as much detail as I could come up with out there. Dates and times just blurred together for me. I made a very honest and very determined effort to give him everything he wanted. If I came up with something new I let him know. I brought it up often on my own.

I made it my business to let him know what was going on in my mind and to try to make sure he knew everything I knew about all of it. That is the best I can do. I think his gut tells him I'm being open, transparent, and honest about it.

He has been okay with this. I will always share anything new I remember with him unless he ever tells me to stop.

scream posted 12/11/2013 05:34 AM

Thanks. Question...were the BSs able to accept and that not everything may come back? My wife said she will have to figure this out on her own and make a choice about our future from there. I want to help her. I told her last night I love her enough to respect any choice she makes. That is hurting so deeply this morning. I know I made the choice to have an A and then to continue it. And now I have to respect her wishes. What ever they may be. I think I'm losing everything and its my own damn fault

knightsbff posted 12/11/2013 07:29 AM

My BH has been able to accept that. BUT I literally gave him everything I knew and have on my own provided any more details that I remembered as they came. I spent a few months writing it out and the act of writing also helped me to remember some more. It was not fun or easy.

I know that pain of telling her you love her enough to respect her decision. So scary and gut wrenching.

I hope and pray for the best for both of you.

LosferWords posted 12/11/2013 09:17 AM

scream - have you done a timeline? If you haven't, or even if you have, perhaps that is something that you can make or edit as a 'living document'. Something that can be updated as you fill in the pieces, perhaps? Sometimes documenting this stuff on paper/notepad/word document can help jar the memory, and help to fill in some of the missing puzzle. Integrating your wife with this process will be painful, but I think that is the best way to go. Maybe sit down with her with a pen and paper, or your laptop, or tablet, or phone, or whatever medium you want to use, and start the conversation with "let's write down what we have so far..." and go from there?

Best of luck to you.

dana1234 posted 12/11/2013 09:20 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:30 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

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