SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

poopylala posted 12/10/2013 18:08 PM

Hello! I'm poopylala and I'd like to share something with you.

You are not alone.

I'm 24, in a LTR with fwbf (almost 7 years now) and my dday was 3 years ago, which is also when I joined. We have fur kids, no human ones though. I had a few members tell me in the midst of my pain to leave fwbf because we had no legal ties, no kids, and we're young. I ended up taking off my age from my signature line to be seen as an equal and that sucked. This completely invalidated my pain and my relationship, IMO. I wanted to heal and really understand what was going on. I met a member who was my age and had a similar story so we became each other's support system and now we're best friends! I have met so many helpful members on this site and wouldn't be where I am today without their support and advice.

Many members DO understand where you are emotionally and are super supportive, so look for forums in ICR to see if any appeal to your specific situation or feel free to PM any of the mods, guides, or me.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that if you feel like nobody understands, I guarantee you there is someone on here who does. Keep posting, keep reading, and find time to just focus on you and take care of your health! IC is always a big help and is a great way to vent and introspect without feeling judged or invalidated.

YOU ARE A VALUABLE, AMAZING HUMAN BEING.

Don't you ever forget that.

painfulpast posted 12/10/2013 18:10 PM

Great post!!

MairISaoirse posted 12/10/2013 18:18 PM

Thank you for this!!!!

I kind of needed a post like this

MovingUpward posted 12/10/2013 18:20 PM

Excellent message. Everyone has their own situation and we should all try to support others in their situation.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/10/2013 20:12 PM

poopylala, poopylala, poopylala! (< singing) Miss you! So nice to hear from you and your message of support to those in your same situation.

poopylala posted 12/11/2013 22:56 PM

We definitely each have different situations and it's tough to remember that sometimes.

Sister, I don't feel I can relate to many people on here for their situations are so different from mine and that's okay. I thank you for your years of support and encouragement

Ellephantastic posted 12/13/2013 15:11 PM

Definitely needed this, I know I have felt a few times that people have seen my relationship with my partner (nearly 5 years) as not meaning the same just because we are 22 (21 when he cheated and when d-day was).

We live together and share bills etc, we are in a adult long term relationship so who cares if we do not have kids or a marriage certificate? Doesn't mean it means any less than those people with those things!

poopylala posted 12/13/2013 15:22 PM

Conpletely agree! We are in R and are super happy together. We have never been better and I don't regret any of how we handled things.

You're definitely not alone and your relationship and feelings are 100% valid, regardless of those other things.

Jesu posted 12/14/2013 21:48 PM

Great post. I've experienced a similar reaction because WSO and I are not married and don't have kids.

seenow posted 12/14/2013 21:56 PM

Being an old one, I think we are just dreaming of what could have been. We are thinking if we knew everything we know now, we would just pick differently.

We are hoping a different path for you. We are hoping you don't have to deal with all the old people shit that tangles your decisions. We want happiness and honesty and peace for you. Really!!!!! Really.

Jen posted 12/14/2013 23:28 PM

Nice post. I always feel a little on the outside looking in.

I'm about to be 39, I have no kids, I have 1 fur kid soon to add a new one, and I am alone. I work 2 jobs, maybe three will see if I can swing the schedules to do three.

That's me. Exciting huh ??? Sorry bad time of year. Really was a nice post to read.

BrighterFuture posted 12/14/2013 23:37 PM

I'm glad your relationship is going great. I believe every situation is different. When some members advise others to cut their loses and run, it doesn't mean that their pain is less, it just means that they have less ties. Some members are also talking from their own personal experiences when they didn't leave the cheater then got cheated on again several decades down the line when they have more ties and leaving is not so easy. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Also some members will advise BS to leave when there's no remorse, boundaries or counseling in place to solve the issues regardless of the age of the BS, children or marriage. Every situation is slightly different but the fundamentals are the same. Finally, no one can be forced to stay or leave. The advise given is usually out of love and based solely on the information the BS provides. Everyone knows their own situation better, and may have not represented all the facts here at SI. We all want happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 11:43 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

BlondieBlueEyes posted 12/15/2013 00:00 AM

thank you for this - ive had many people in my life look at me with those pity eyes and say "oh you are not married yet, , you're so young....you have many years ahead of you.. this will pass"

ya - thanks - that doesn't make the pain go away or mean it 'didn't matter'

its changed who I am as a human being, as a woman and as a girlfriend.

my bf didn't even do anything physical with these women - it was all words - and yet the betrayal is deep and I think about it everyday especially since it happened with people he works with ...and STILL works with!

time doesn't heal anything - its what you do with that time that makes the difference.

hobbeskat posted 12/15/2013 09:13 AM

Thank you for this. I get a lot of people telling me since I'm newly married and have no kids to just cut my losses. I have loved my WH since I was 13 years old. It is not as easy as that.

Whalers11 posted 12/15/2013 09:18 AM

For the most part, I have always felt welcome here, despite not being married or having children. My WxSO and I were together over 10 years - longer than some married people on here.

The betrayal doesn't hurt any less.

Kierst13 posted 12/15/2013 10:15 AM

I have said in some cases when the person is not married with children or the relationship is fairly new (less than 10 years) that it could be best to cut and run.

I also say it for relationships where the affair has lasted for half of the entire relationship or more, and for times that the affair starts soon after the wedding.

It has nothing to do with thinking the relationship is less valid. It has everything to do with reading on SI and other affair forums and seeing how these relationships typically play out, especially if the WS is less than gung-ho to work hard and make the necessary changes.

Your relationships are not less valid, but logistically it can be much easier to leave before the kids, mortgage and everything else.

Every time I see somebody begin posting again and they have a sign up date pre 2010 and they come back from being *reconciled*, and the WS is back at it, I cringe and my heart falls. It makes me wonder if the WS really stopped or simply did not get caught until then. I would hate to see any of your names back after 5-7 years when you now have kids and a mortgage and you feel *stuck*.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/16/2013 23:27 PM

I often have mixed responses for my age and BBF's age. It's either people glad to see me fixing my brokenness now at a young age, or telling me to just cut and run because if you aren't x age, then your feelings don't matter as much?

I'm willing to do the work. To cut and run just sounds like giving up. I would much rather be encouraged to give it a shot. I'm young, right? Is there any reason I have to date a bunch of guys if I'm content and happy with BBF?

But thanks for this. I noticed that I'm typically alienated on a lot of forums with older members. Not intentionally, it's just the age gap I guess.