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Newest Member: thepainfull86 (61156)

User Topic: For younger/non-married/no kids members
♀ 30119
Member # 30119
Content  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello! I'm poopylala and I'd like to share something with you.

You are not alone.

I'm 24, in a LTR with fwbf (almost 7 years now) and my dday was 3 years ago, which is also when I joined. We have fur kids, no human ones though. I had a few members tell me in the midst of my pain to leave fwbf because we had no legal ties, no kids, and we're young. I ended up taking off my age from my signature line to be seen as an equal and that sucked. This completely invalidated my pain and my relationship, IMO. I wanted to heal and really understand what was going on. I met a member who was my age and had a similar story so we became each other's support system and now we're best friends! I have met so many helpful members on this site and wouldn't be where I am today without their support and advice.

Many members DO understand where you are emotionally and are super supportive, so look for forums in ICR to see if any appeal to your specific situation or feel free to PM any of the mods, guides, or me.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that if you feel like nobody understands, I guarantee you there is someone on here who does. Keep posting, keep reading, and find time to just focus on you and take care of your health! IC is always a big help and is a great way to vent and introspect without feeling judged or invalidated.


Don't you ever forget that.

BGF (me)- 27
FWBF (him)- 27

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,

<3 DS always

Posts: 993 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post!!

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 41497
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this!!!!

I kind of needed a post like this

Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo

Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent message. Everyone has their own situation and we should all try to support others in their situation.

Posts: 54405 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Happy  Posted: 8:12 PM, December 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

poopylala, poopylala, poopylala! (< singing) Miss you! So nice to hear from you and your message of support to those in your same situation.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13323 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 30119
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We definitely each have different situations and it's tough to remember that sometimes.

Sister, I don't feel I can relate to many people on here for their situations are so different from mine and that's okay. I thank you for your years of support and encouragement

BGF (me)- 27
FWBF (him)- 27

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,

<3 DS always

Posts: 993 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
♀ 39833
Member # 39833
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely needed this, I know I have felt a few times that people have seen my relationship with my partner (nearly 5 years) as not meaning the same just because we are 22 (21 when he cheated and when d-day was).

We live together and share bills etc, we are in a adult long term relationship so who cares if we do not have kids or a marriage certificate? Doesn't mean it means any less than those people with those things!

Ow = 19(at the time)
WBF A = 08/10/2012-17/10/2012
D-Day = 24/01/2013

"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Scotland
♀ 30119
Member # 30119
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Conpletely agree! We are in R and are super happy together. We have never been better and I don't regret any of how we handled things.

You're definitely not alone and your relationship and feelings are 100% valid, regardless of those other things.

BGF (me)- 27
FWBF (him)- 27

forgiven and in R :)

"To err is human.
To forgive,

<3 DS always

Posts: 993 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Houston, TX
♂ 36422
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post. I've experienced a similar reaction because WSO and I are not married and don't have kids.

Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
♀ 40720
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being an old one, I think we are just dreaming of what could have been. We are thinking if we knew everything we know now, we would just pick differently.

We are hoping a different path for you. We are hoping you don't have to deal with all the old people shit that tangles your decisions. We want happiness and honesty and peace for you. Really!!!!! Really.

ME: BS late 40's
Him: WH late 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 28 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 423 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
♀ 26584
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice post. I always feel a little on the outside looking in.

I'm about to be 39, I have no kids, I have 1 fur kid soon to add a new one, and I am alone. I work 2 jobs, maybe three will see if I can swing the schedules to do three.

That's me. Exciting huh ??? Sorry bad time of year. Really was a nice post to read.

Me former Booger Bear ...
Hand Me Down MatchBox 20
Love Falls by HellYeah

Posts: 19700 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Where's the fucking rainbow ???
♂ 38914
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, December 14th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad your relationship is going great. I believe every situation is different. When some members advise others to cut their loses and run, it doesn't mean that their pain is less, it just means that they have less ties. Some members are also talking from their own personal experiences when they didn't leave the cheater then got cheated on again several decades down the line when they have more ties and leaving is not so easy. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Also some members will advise BS to leave when there's no remorse, boundaries or counseling in place to solve the issues regardless of the age of the BS, children or marriage. Every situation is slightly different but the fundamentals are the same. Finally, no one can be forced to stay or leave. The advise given is usually out of love and based solely on the information the BS provides. Everyone knows their own situation better, and may have not represented all the facts here at SI. We all want happy, healthy and fulfilling relationships.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 11:43 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.

Posts: 539 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ 41663
Member # 41663
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for this - ive had many people in my life look at me with those pity eyes and say "oh you are not married yet, , you're so have many years ahead of you.. this will pass"

ya - thanks - that doesn't make the pain go away or mean it 'didn't matter'

its changed who I am as a human being, as a woman and as a girlfriend.

my bf didn't even do anything physical with these women - it was all words - and yet the betrayal is deep and I think about it everyday especially since it happened with people he works with ...and STILL works with!

time doesn't heal anything - its what you do with that time that makes the difference.

Me: 34
Him: 41
DDay: Sept 18/13
Moved out Oct 1/13
Kids: he has two 14 & 11
R: in progress

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: BC Canada
♀ 38805
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this. I get a lot of people telling me since I'm newly married and have no kids to just cut my losses. I have loved my WH since I was 13 years old. It is not as easy as that.

Posts: 309 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the most part, I have always felt welcome here, despite not being married or having children. My WxSO and I were together over 10 years - longer than some married people on here.

The betrayal doesn't hurt any less.

Me: BGF - 36
"They say time is the only healer...
God, I hope that isn't right 'cause right now I'd die to not remember..." - Carly Pearce

Posts: 3320 | Registered: Feb 2010
♀ 39197
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have said in some cases when the person is not married with children or the relationship is fairly new (less than 10 years) that it could be best to cut and run.

I also say it for relationships where the affair has lasted for half of the entire relationship or more, and for times that the affair starts soon after the wedding.

It has nothing to do with thinking the relationship is less valid. It has everything to do with reading on SI and other affair forums and seeing how these relationships typically play out, especially if the WS is less than gung-ho to work hard and make the necessary changes.

Your relationships are not less valid, but logistically it can be much easier to leave before the kids, mortgage and everything else.

Every time I see somebody begin posting again and they have a sign up date pre 2010 and they come back from being *reconciled*, and the WS is back at it, I cringe and my heart falls. It makes me wonder if the WS really stopped or simply did not get caught until then. I would hate to see any of your names back after 5-7 years when you now have kids and a mortgage and you feel *stuck*.

Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often have mixed responses for my age and BBF's age. It's either people glad to see me fixing my brokenness now at a young age, or telling me to just cut and run because if you aren't x age, then your feelings don't matter as much?

I'm willing to do the work. To cut and run just sounds like giving up. I would much rather be encouraged to give it a shot. I'm young, right? Is there any reason I have to date a bunch of guys if I'm content and happy with BBF?

But thanks for this. I noticed that I'm typically alienated on a lot of forums with older members. Not intentionally, it's just the age gap I guess.

Posts: 188 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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