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nevergiveup10 posted 12/10/2013 18:18 PM

My BS told me today she isn't interested in having sex with me, which I do understand. She said she is frustrated by it, I think she sees it as an obstacle to seeing a future together. She doesn't understand why and wonders if it will ever come back. She said maybe she sees me as tainted and that's why. Maybe it's the anger and hurt which has come back pretty strong the last few days.

She said she is sad, she said "Is this the best I deserve? A man that cheats on me?" Then she tried to think of some positive things about me and us. I just feel like she's really down in the dumps and don't know how to give her a boost.

Been feeling really insecure about our future the last few days but I'm trying hard to put it aside and take care of her. I don't know if I should leave her alone or just call to listen. (She's not much of a talker)

Daisy312 posted 12/10/2013 20:38 PM

Bs here, and I think you need to ask her exactly what she needs fom you to heal, an then follow through with it all. For me, sex is really good with FWH, better than before. There is one problem though. I end up pushing bad thoughts out of my head the whole time. It's so exhausting! So, sometimes even if I'm in the mood an want to have sex with him I won't because I just don't want to have to push out negative thoughts an awful mind movies.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/10/2013 21:00 PM

I do ask, I think the problem is at this point she doesn't really know yet. I just keep trying new things, however small they may be.

Just tonight I asked her if she wanted to know what I'm up to all the time, I'd be happy to tell her without needing reciprocity. She said "I don' think that will help". I said no one thing will help, it will be all the little things together.

The sex we have had has been great, but she did just tell me tonight that lately all she can think about is me with the OW when she starts thinking of having sex with me. From what you said, this is part of the damage I have done.

Thanks Daisy

stupidgurl posted 12/10/2013 22:40 PM

You guys are just 5 months out, you just started, so be patient with her. Her emotional wounds are still very fresh and raw.

stupidgurl posted 12/10/2013 22:43 PM

Also the worst thing you could do is act like you are on the fence, show her you are all in now, put everything you have into it. And unless she asks you to actually leave her alone, don't stop pursuing her and working towards restoring the trust.

[This message edited by stupidgurl at 10:44 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

nevergiveup10 posted 12/10/2013 23:06 PM

Patience and compassion, the words I now live by. Though not always easy.

She now believes I'm in this for the long haul. She said as much in MC not too long ago. I think she has been surprised by the person that has shown up and is slowly starting to believe he is here to stay. I express that I want no other than her physically and emotionally, it's all in her hands. I support her in any way I can.

hopingforhappy posted 12/11/2013 11:35 AM

You are doing the right thing by focusing on her--take your cues from what she says she needs. It can be a fine line, however, because when you do good things (like being attentive to her needs, etc.), it can just bring up the thoughts of "why is he doing this now, wasn't I good enough before?" You need to understand that whatever you do, it may be met with some emotional backlash, since at this point in time, the A is constantly on her mind. Unfortunately, it will probably be like that for a while. If you live up to your user name, you have a good chance to make things better for your BS.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/11/2013 12:53 PM

I would take the opportunity to express that she never deserved a man who cheats, and that the fault lies within yourself, not anything she did. Own it, and own it some more. Patience. I'm rooting for you.

[This message edited by pointofnoreturn at 12:53 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

RightTrack posted 12/12/2013 21:34 PM

Maybe it's too early to start back with sex. Giving her a back rub might be a good beginning.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/14/2013 17:45 PM

It probably is too soon. I dont pressure or even bring it up. Its really not a priority to me right now, I know she would like to but it brings out too many emotions. We are still separated, so its tough sometimes to be available when she may be receptive to physical contact. Im just focusing on our friendship and kids right now.

womaninflux posted 12/14/2013 18:45 PM

I agree with what Daisy312 and Stupidgurl said individually.

Treat her the way you want to be treated. You want her to show she's committed to R? You should show her - sincerely - that you are committed to R. Don't isolate yourself…that only creates more distance and opportunity for her to be filling in the blanks. Talk to her, ask her what is on her mind. Share with her what is on yours. Break down the walls between you guys.

nevergiveup10 posted 12/15/2013 13:18 PM

With the help from SI I now understand that 5 months is just the beginning of healing. She knows Im committed to this and my words are always sincere. She doesn't like talking about it for more than 10 minutes or, so it's slow at times outside of MC. It's ok, she has learned to think things through and she has all the time she needs. I reassure her of that all the time.

I give her the space when she asks for it but I am always there when she needs me, no matter what.