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Eight years

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jlb2005 posted 12/10/2013 19:06 PM

Why, after all these years, do I want him to just acknowledge in some way that our marriage was not a mistake? He moved on so effortlessly with his new family and I seem stuck and looking for excuses to simply text him. This time of year especially makes me sad and feeling replaced and lost. Feeling beyond sad.

MovingUpward posted 12/10/2013 19:52 PM

(((hugs)))

diditagn posted 12/10/2013 21:20 PM

First off ((hugs)). I say this gently, because I was like you for a long time. I date, and have had relationships since I divorced, and that didn’t seem to help, but I had to finally realize that my divorce was not a “mistake.” My ex would rather die than admit he made a mistake by divorcing. The marriage at the time was not a mistake for me, I have two wonderful children from it, learned a lot about myself, and am who I am today because of that marriage. He might think the marriage was a mistake, but I think that the divorce was not, it’s what I/we think that matters now.

It would have been a mistake not to divorce him, because he was/is a serial cheater. Granite, the holiday’s are sad sometimes, because I miss my idea of what a “family” should look like, but truth is I still have my family(my kids), and my kids have theirs (me)…it just looks different, and I embrace the change.

Also realizing I was feeling melancholy when I didn’t want to deal with current daily stressors was huge. I used what I thought I had with him as a stress reliever, because it was a familiar response, and I didn’t have to deal with the unknown. Don’t text, email, or call. Unless you have small children, there is no real reason to contact him. Once you stop any contact, you open your mind and heart for new things to filter through and help you forget the past and focus on the future…your future.

My ex recently married one of his ow in May. A friend of mine (whose husband works with ex) recently called and told me the “rumor” mill has him chasing another ow, and there is a new investigation regarding sexual harassment, even though, he is so “happily” married to wifetress(she has no clue). It dawned on me that he will never change, because it’s the “chase” that makes him happy. I don’t know what goes on in his life anymore, and if I do, it’s really only what he wants me to see or perceive. He wouldn’t admit in a million years that he was miserable. When my son graduated from college, he wanted a “family” picture, he gave his camera to his future new wifetress, and literately asked her to take a “family picture of all four of us.” It was awkward at best, but the verbiage he used spoke volumes!

Hang in there, the time will come, when it won’t be so hard, and remember, he only wants you to see what he wants, most will not admit anything. They just won’t, but know in your heart it’s what YOU think that matters now! Not him, his thoughts do not matter to you anymore.

Dreamland posted 12/10/2013 21:30 PM

Sorry ... Sending peace and love during holidays.. If its any consolation its not too much better with our fWH since all i can think of was how he was so giddy during the holidays because of his infatuated with OW..
((Hugs))

myperfectlife posted 12/10/2013 21:59 PM

jib,
I've been in the same place with my divorce.
My therapist asked me why did it matter to me if it was a mistake on his part or not.
She said "do you think it reflects on you? That you had bad judgement?"
And I realized that I did take it that way.
If it was a "mistake" for us to be married, it meant that the demise of the marriage wasn't entirely HIS fault. It meant that maybe we shouldn't have been married in the first place.
So I started at that thought and picked it apart.
Did I value what I'd gotten out of the marriage?
Yes, I valued my children, the memories of our family time, the things I'd learned as a wife that I wanted to keep as part of me and the things I wanted to discard.
In the end, I realized it only matters if *I* think the marriage was a mistake.
If he thinks it was a mistake then it's because he isn't mature enough to learn from the marriage, good and bad.
I guess I feel like things are only a mistake if you can't apply them. Him thinking the marriage was a mistake is his loss- and probably a deep and profound loss FOR HIM.
My guess is that you already know his logic is flawed, he is not emotionally mature, and that you deserve better.
So why trust his judgement on whether or not marrying you was a mistake? Seems like he's not in a place to make that judgement anyway.
((((((hugs and love)))))

housenotahome posted 12/10/2013 22:14 PM

(((jlb2005))) I'm so sorry you're hurting. The fact that you've been married for 18 years and had 2 wonderful children indicates to anyone that his M to you was not a mistake and he knows it on some subconscious level. For someone as selfish as him to admit that would mean that he has to admit his poor choices. A coward is not capable of such an act of courage. I know how tough this time of year is and how your mind wanders to picturing him and his "blissful" existence. Most relationships aren't blissful after 8 years, especially the ones that started off as a lie. Please try not to text him, it will only strengthen their pathetic bond. He doesn't deserve your acknowledgment.

jlb2005 posted 12/11/2013 20:25 PM

Just wanted to thank all of you for your responses. It reminds me why I always feel better after unburdening myself in this setting. There is so much empathy and understanding from members on this site and I am in awe of how willing to help all of you are.
Your suggestions and sharing your own experiences are priceless. I wish none of us had to be in the situation we find ourselves, but so thankful that there is a place to find such outstanding and caring people to share these feelings with.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

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