"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

helplessme posted 12/10/2013 19:13 PM

My first post.. thanks everyone.

I had a short-lived A.. lasted a little more than a month and just one physical encounter. But yes, I was found out

One of my biggest struggle is my BS's verbal attacks. It's excruciatingly hurtful when he says things like:

"It's none of your business"
"You must face reality"
"You whore"!
"Tell that to the marines"
"I can live my life alone"
"I can not accept what you did"
"I can not take you back""I will be like this forever"

It is so tough to hear these things everyday; to hear them each single day...

How do you cope?

BS (52)
WS (51)
DDay (Aug 16, 2013)
children (three)

Aubrie posted 12/10/2013 19:54 PM

I'm sorry you're both hurting.

You're two months out from Dday? You're not far out at all. I hate to say it, but what your husband is thinking and saying is completely normal. It comes from a very deep, very real pain. Your husband doesn't know which end is up right now.

Doesn't matter if the A was short or long lived. In our fear and fogginess, it's easy to think, "Well my A was "only" this long. I "only" blew the guy. He "only" fucked me twice." It honestly doesn't matter the details. The point is, we cheated. And it all hurts. EA, PA, long or short A. And it's an incredibly hard and bitter pill for our BS to swallow.

Have you given your husband all the details? Are you completely NC (no contact) with your AP? Are either you or your husband in IC? (individual counseling)

Please check out the Healing Library in the yellow box to the left. There's alot of good information there.

Stick around.

helplessme posted 12/10/2013 20:40 PM

Thank you Aubrie! It's nice to know "you" care and you understand how it is.

I know.. I see my BS's pain, I feel it, I sense it. And it hurts me more and more.. I don't know how to ease it; don't even know if I can ever forgive myself for hurting him.

He asked questions then and I gave him all the answers he needed. But sometimes, he seem not to believe anything I say now.

DDay was in August, so it's almost 4 months now. I know I have a long way to go. Praying this will somehow reach an end.. soon.

We both have no IC.. that is unavailable in our location. I have friends who help, support and pray for me. I am not sure about my BS though. I am guessing he has not confided to anyone. It's also his pride. He holds a high position in the city and he is well known. He may be ashamed of spilling the beans. Also, he doesn't want to be seen with me, be with me. That is why, I can not even plan alone times with him. He refuses to "talk" also. He is almost always angry.

Aubrie posted 12/10/2013 20:52 PM

DDay was in August, so it's almost 4 months now.

Sorry. Been one of those days. Even basic math eludes me.

Does your husband know about SI? Would he consider joining? It may help him to have a place to talk that's anonymous. He can share as little or as much as he wants here. There is a thread in the ICR forum especially for betrayed husbands. The guys there are fabulous.

Also, check out these threads. They may be helpful for you.

How Much Does my BS Hurt?
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446

Things That Every WS Needs to Know
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

The Lifeboat
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=354101

helplessme posted 12/10/2013 21:18 PM

Dear Aubrie,

Knowing him, I know he won't join. He's been so uncooperative, anti social.

I've seen those threads except The Lifeboat. I'll check that out. SI has been so helpful for me. Thank you Aubrie! Please stay with me

confetticheck posted 12/11/2013 00:17 AM

helplessme,

Glad you found SI.
After DD when the fog blew away, I made it my goal to help heal my BS no matter what the outcome.
I took the verbal "attacks" as her way of dumping all the poison that I put in her. I took it (mostly unflinchingly) because I knew it would help her. It did.
At the same time, though, I was constantly answering questions and talking to her. I was bearing my soul like I hadn't in far too long. It was very painful, but necessary.

You must get it across to him that your trying to find out why this happened. That your trying to fix it. You have to communicate. Make it happen!

We'll be here to help!

helplessme posted 12/11/2013 00:40 AM

confetticheck,

Thank you!

It's tough' it's painful (to take the attacks everyday, everytime), but yes you're right, it's necessary. I hope it helps my BH as much as it did with your BW.

I wish I could communicate better with him. I try so hard, sometimes with pressure to talk to him, but he just shoves me away. That feeling of rejection He just doesn't want to talk

authenticnow posted 12/11/2013 05:43 AM

helplessme,

I remember sitting in the car outside a restaurant with BH a few months after d-day and we were having one of those intense grilling sessions that went on endlessly after d-day. He was so angry and was saying such hurtful things to me. I felt like shit, I felt like my insides were falling apart. I felt like the lowest piece of scum on the planet. I knew that the things he was saying were true, and that was probably the toughest part. I'd cry and he'd yell at me for crying.

Once he processed his anger it stopped. It still popped up occasionally but it lessened and eventually it stopped.

Ugh, those days after d-days were horrible, but it does get better. Keep being truthful and remorseful and it evens out. You'll get there.

AN

helplessme posted 12/11/2013 19:04 PM

authenticnow,

That same scenario happened to us. He saw me looking out the car and there was this guy, and BH said : you wanna go out and f_ck that guy? you go ahead! How hurtful is that?

All those hurtful words and name calling and more... Thank you for sharing that eventually it will stop. I do pray it does, soon. Because the more I hear those verbal attacks, the more I lose hope. I am hanging on... Thanks to you guys out here. I know Im not alone. I wish I could hug you guys <desperately need it>

confetticheck posted 12/11/2013 22:28 PM

That same scenario happened to us. He saw me looking out the car and there was this guy, and BH said : you wanna go out and f_ck that guy? you go ahead! How hurtful is that?

Very hurtful. But not 1/10 (if not 1/100) as hurtful as an A.

I know it sucks to hear those words. But it always helped me to remember that no matter how much it hurt, there was no way it hurt as much as I hurt her.

His comments are coming from a place of unbelievable agony. Remember that when he says things like that. And remember that until further notice you are a liar and cheat (just like me), until your actions convince him otherwise. Not pleasant, but the truth.

Peace to you. Keep posting.

And i repeat, we are here for you.

helplessme posted 12/12/2013 00:48 AM

confetticheck,

THANK YOU! I will remember that everytime he lashes out Stupid stupid me

And thank you I have you all here @ SI

authenticnow posted 12/12/2013 05:24 AM

Stupid stupid me

I disagree. Not stupid, those are your feelings. Just a little perspective for you. Our BSs are in a huge amount of pain. It doesn't mean we aren't in pain, too. No need to minimize it and it's good that you shared.

It's just a good idea to keep our perspective as we sort through all of it.