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How do you let things go?

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Iamacrab posted 12/10/2013 20:25 PM

Just more focusing on the positive, like another poster advised me in my recent thread? Is that it (as hard as it is to do), and the passing of time?
He asked me to stop and feed the cats because he'll be away. When I was there, I (again on the damn table) saw the business card of the ship captain/chaplain that married us. I thought hm, how weird, I have not seen that guys name in x yrs since the wedding. Then while I was there, his gram told me he's on an effing cruise. We got married on a cruise, his idea, his first and only cruise, took all our friends and families. He's now on the same ship, sailing out of the same port, with the new gf. He's moving in with her starting jan 1. False R ended mid August.

I'm sure none of that even resonates with him, that just a few yrs ago he was marrying someone else on that ship.

I'm here, trying to finish up paying off the marital debt on my cc, budgeting every dollar to pay my atty for the D, wondering if I really should have spent that 70 dollars I saved to spend nye with my BFF, and he's going on a cruise.

I'm really trying for mental nc, focusing on good things in my life, but this hurts. Why a cruise, why that ship? To me, it's super weird, I'd stay away from a cruise. But as I said above I guess it's just about vacation and fun, not about that.

I feel like I've read about this, WHs that do the same or similar things as they did in their marriage. Why? And how does that not bother you?

Ugh. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

mandan66 posted 12/10/2013 20:35 PM

Sweetie, it is the passing of time that helps, but also the working on yourself. And, TOTAL NC!! Gently now---he can find someone else to feed his damn cats (and I am a cat-lover); doing him 'favors' just keeps you more enmeshed. Its a boundary you need to set up, and until you do, it will be that much longer until you move beyond him.
You can do it!

newlysingle posted 12/10/2013 22:06 PM

I agree that you should not be feeding his cats. The less contact you have with him, the better. It's going to take awhile to be able to let things go, but you have to fake it 'till you make it. Don't let him know how much it bothers you.

Unfortunately, it all takes time. I still backslide all the time and let him get to me, but with each slip up, I get a little stronger.

Iamacrab posted 12/11/2013 05:15 AM

My cat lives with his, because I cannot have my cat where I live (living in my friends place and she already has the pet max that is allowed here) and though I've asked around repeatedly, cannot find anyone else to take her. I don't want to put her in a shelter because she is older and I don't think that would go well. The vet thinks she'd become depressed and die.
So he agreed to keep her with his, because of the above and because she's been with them for years now when we were married so she is very used to them. It means I hardly see her, for months as I'm trying to avoid him, but I still think it's better for her. She seemed happy yesterday.

I'm hoping to be able to afford my own place (or a place with a roommate) in the next 6 months or so, and then I will take her, which I know will still be hard for her as she's used to the other cats and with me she'd be alone all day.
I just need to get more money saved up first in case anything happens with the house in terms of repairs as it's still being rented out. Hopefully we'll be able to sell it. I just couldn't afford that plus all of the debt. Thankfully I've been steadily paying on that and it's now manageable.

All of these little ties make it hard. When I go into his place, I see all of the things we bought together. Dumb stuff like the sponge holder in his sink was the one I bought for my first apartment. I threw it out, I guess he took it when he moved his things. I know it's mine because of the crack that's in it from when I dropped it 8 yrs ago. It's all so weird to me. Who keeps a cracked sponge holder? He also took my trash can from college. It's definitely a more female trash can. Why not just buy your own sponge holder and trash can?

Trying not to think about it, just focusing on good. I don't mention these things to him as I'm trying to speak only about the house. Just venting here I guess as you all understand.
I know my situation could be far worse and I'm grateful it isn't. I know I don't sound grateful right now, but I constantly remind myself that it's not as bad as it could be and I need to appreciate that hugely.

Senraba02 posted 12/11/2013 23:14 PM

I'm so sorry that he is so insensitive that he wouldn't know that the same ANYTHING would strike a chord. I feel like you are beating your self up over someone who clearly doesn't regard your feelings. I know that you are trying to be positive, and that's a good thing... but it's okay to secretly hope that his new marriage falls in the same way. That doesn't make you a bad person... My heart breaks for you.

Telling you to stay strong and focus and keep your head up doesn't really help you. All it is, are words that don't really help the feelings that your dealing with.

Surround yourself with genuine friends and people whom you trust. Get out there and start living. xoxox

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