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peoplepleaser posted 12/10/2013 20:28 PM

Is anyone else struggling with the feeling that they don't know everything even though WS is insistent about having disclosed it all?

greengiant posted 12/10/2013 20:50 PM

Oh yes. My WW is always saying that she told me everything, but then as time goes by and I'm asking more questions, sometimes there's something new coming up. It's really hard, you have to listen to your feelings.

nekorb posted 12/10/2013 20:57 PM

Every time I have had that feeling I've been right.

Just sayin'.

iwillNOT posted 12/10/2013 21:08 PM

Yes, I have that feeling. Just a general feeling, and also in relation to specific questions that I feel he is lying about. There are answers he has given me that I just don't believe because they don't make sense. They aren't huge but any falsehood is a killer right now.

Dreamland posted 12/10/2013 21:19 PM

Yes i think this never goes away. I am starting to come to the realization I will never know everything. But its infuriating because you feel like he shared all these secrets and special moments with someone else and we just have snipets of this fantasy world.
So sorry you are going through this.
Sending Hugs!!

Jesu posted 12/10/2013 22:30 PM

I got TT for 6 months, leading to multiple DD. Even now I don't really believe I know it ALL, but I'm pretty confident I know most of it.

If you're unsure, keep asking, keep pushing. Trust your gut feeling, because in my experience my suspicions usually turned out to be correct 99% of the time.

dmg35 posted 12/10/2013 23:32 PM

Oh yeah. Same here WW said she had told me everything but I don't believe it.

She may actually be telling the truth but how do you believe someone who already lied to you, who betrayed you..

I am still trying to believe it but not sure if I ever will

[This message edited by dmg35 at 11:32 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

stillprettyupset posted 12/11/2013 03:02 AM

Yup. I always wonder what I don't know. The woman can tell me what I said at a dinner party 6 years ago, but just can't seem to recall all the details when I ask about her affair.

peoplepleaser posted 12/11/2013 08:17 AM

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one. For a short while I was questioning my intuition, but it has been spot on the entire time. I knew WS was "somewhere else" the entire time. So I've told her that I know there is more and that I am unable to move forward until she tells me what I don't know. I've adopted parts of the 180 to empower myself so I'm able to rely on myself for healing in the meantime. She continues to insist that I know everything, so I'm very worried this will result in a separation at the very least. She keeps saying that it wasn't worth the Loss of our relationship, but our relationship isn't worth losing me. If I can't trust, I can't stay.

Is it possible that they forget a lot of the details due to justification or compartmentalizing?

peoplepleaser posted 12/11/2013 08:25 AM

How do you deal with what makes little or no sense, iwillNOT?

At this point she will tell me what I need to know and build trust or I'm moving on. I don't have time for this in my life, and I didn't deserve it. I'm not arguing anymore, and I'm not holding her hand in attending to me anymore. I'm just tired of it. And I'm drowning in the details that don't make sense. It guess I need to let them not make sense without my relationship with WS, or have her make it make sense by disclosing it all and we can move forward together,

Althea posted 12/11/2013 08:28 AM

Is it possible that they forget a lot of the details due to justification or compartmentalizing?
In short, nope. She is deciding for you what is worth your knowing. Maybe she is justifying it by telling herself it will cause you unnecessary pain. Maybe she is justifying it by telling you what you don't know won't hurt you and there isn't any point. No matter how she is compartmentalizing or justifying it, the point remains that you are left in the dark - again. She holds all of the power, and you are begging for what little you can get. Don't do it. Be willing to lose your marriage, there is a good chance that is what it will take to get her to open her eyes. You told her you can't move forward without the truth. Now concentrate on yourself and your son. You don't have to separate until you are ready, and it may never come to that. My WH swore up and down for months that I had the truth, what I had wasn't even close. Listen to your gut, and trust in the 180. Worst case scenario is that you come out of it healthier.

Rainbows posted 12/11/2013 08:29 AM

I still have the feeling over things that happened 10 years ago.

All I can do is use my common sense and life experience to look at everything and move forward.

The TT after my first dday lasted two years and now I look back and realize than an objective person would have told me the whole story in two sentences. I so desperately wanted to believe what he was selling so I threw my instinct and common sense out the window.

I agree with the other posters. If your gut is poking at you, pay attention.

heforgotme posted 12/11/2013 09:46 AM

We will never know everything. Even with the most remorseful spouse who tries to divulge everything....there will be things they forget. Honestly forget. There will be conversations that were inconsequential to then that we would think were very important. There is just no way to get every word they said. And what makes it even worse is that the AP probably knows plenty about us bc they were most likely getting a play by play of our lives and marriage the whole time the A was going on.

It sucks.

If you think he is hiding something big, like another AP or PA when he has claimed otherwise, I would strongly suggest a polygraph.

But all the little things....we will just never know. I hate it.

steadfast1973 posted 12/11/2013 09:49 AM

I'm not getting trickle truth or lies this time. but there are things I will never know. Like what her face looks like... I worry that every short bleached blonde with tattoos is her. And I hate every blond girl that walks by.

peoplepleaser posted 12/11/2013 10:04 AM

I think to WS it's little things I'm hung up on. But these things are directly related to the intent and depth of deception in my mind. She says the relationship started innocently, as she was just needing someone to confide in about her building anger and resentment toward me. But the story about how OP got her number and started texting her first seems sketchy. I think that WS knew OP was attracted to her before she went to her as a confidant. And there are two records of texts sent from WS to OP, one per day with no response from OP, the two days after she claims she ended it with NC. It was the middle of the night after the second mystery text that I discovered the long record of phone calls. She said it was a mistake by the phone company or that a mutual friend used her phone to text OP. And the day she ended it she claimed it was because OP propositioned her to go from EA to PA. So of course, I question who really ended it, and if there was more of an attempt to follow through with PA that wasn't disclosed. Ugh! My mind can be my worst enemy.

marionwendy posted 12/11/2013 10:10 AM

Totally feel this way! My WH remembers everything huh funny he just cant remember the night of his ONS? How do you really know if they tell the truth they were all so good at lying before so how can you trust what comes out of their mouths?

NeverAgain2013 posted 12/11/2013 11:16 AM

Honestly? I don't ever recall reading a story here where the betrayed spouse was given 100% of the unvarnished, bare-naked truth the first time out of the gate.

Not a one.

On D-Day, they're grasping at anything to try to make themselves look as innocent as possible. It's ALL about covering their asses and trying to minimize their involvement in the affair, usually by claiming that it was the sneaky, manipulative, aggressive, wicked affair partner that forced them to stray - while they fought all the way until they finally succumbed from sheer weakness.

Pfffft.

Guard your heart. Your gut is screaming to you for a reason, and that would be because she's still lying to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:17 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Coachdig10 posted 12/18/2013 14:38 PM

It is amazing totally different people from all over the country experience the same things and hear the same words. I told you everything. I don't remember. Nothing happened. We are just friends. Amazing.

spond posted 12/18/2013 15:44 PM

same here... WW claims I know everything, but I feel there is more out there. I'm struggling with the decision of having her take a polygraph just so I know for sure I have the information I want to know.

spond posted 12/18/2013 15:47 PM

Yup. I always wonder what I don't know. The woman can tell me what I said at a dinner party 6 years ago, but just can't seem to recall all the details when I ask about her affair.

Exactly

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