SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

needtoforget posted 12/10/2013 20:42 PM

This is my first time visiting this site, and I'm not really clear on whether it's just for people who are/have been married or not. I'm not a spouse, but I haven't found any other active sites that might help.

My boyfriend and I have been really close for 3 years now. One of my best friends. We only started dating in May of this year right before I had to move because of my dad's job. We've been doing the long distance thing since then and it's been really great. But then this past Sunday he told me that a weeks ago he and a friend of his got black out drunk and she had sex with him. Neither even remembered it since they found out by the other people at the house telling them. I only found out because he was drunk enough and it was eating away at him. The other people in the house knew, the girl's twin knew who then told our friend and it got around in that little circle what happened. And no one told me. The girl has actually been trying to be my friend for the past few weeks or month or so. Acting like nothing happened, saying she wanted to meet me, asking for advice about the boy she likes. My boyfriend acted like nothing was wrong. They've still been friends, and I assume still hang out at that house with everyone every Saturday. I never suspected it. That hurts so much. I never would've believed this would happen to us.
He says he's so sorry, not to be mad at her, wants the blame all on him. I told him we would work through this, and I mean it. I love him so much. I don't want to lose him over something like this. I'm going back home two weeks for Christmas and we were planning on having sex for the first time, but I'm honestly not sure if I can. Thinking about anything sexual makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've had the urge to puke everyday. All I can see and think about in my head is them together, and it hurts so much. I don't know how to help it. I've never been put in this situation before. Where the one person I put all my trust in goes and gets so drunk he has sex with his friend. I don't even know if they used protection or not. They probably don't even know.
I'm trying so hard to be normal, but my mind won't leave it. I don't know how to fix this. How to get it out of my mind. I know he loves me, and I love him. But I still want to punch her in the face no matter how "upset she was that it happened". I'm not sure if I even covered all the details. I need help moving on from this. I don't want our Christmas to be ruined by this.

littlefoggy posted 12/10/2013 20:49 PM

Welcome and I am sorry you are here.

I still feel pretty new, but this is an excellent source of support.

Check the healing library. And get tested for STDs.

Hugs and strength to you!

nekorb posted 12/10/2013 20:50 PM

(((Hugs)))

I'm sorry you are here. Others will chime in that are farther along this road than I am, but if can tell you this much...

A. NO SEX with this man until he has been tested for STDs and is clean. Since you haven't had sex yet, I'd keep it that way.

B. You've only been dating since May and he has already cheated on you. No person in a committed relationship should be getting so drunk with someone of the opposite sex that they can't even remember what they did. That's not being responsible.

C. This would be a deal breaker for me in a new relationship. Nope. I'd be walking on this one honey. You deserve better.

How old are you?

needtoforget posted 12/10/2013 21:07 PM

littlefoggy

Welcome and I am sorry you are here.
I still feel pretty new, but this is an excellent source of support.

Check the healing library. And get tested for STDs.

Hugs and strength to you

Thank you! I plan on talking to him about getting checked when I'm down there. So it can be face to face.

nekorb, I'm 20 and he's 21. I can't bring myself to give up on it yet. He's been such an important person in my life. I need him and I'd like to be able to get past this. I feel like once we can sit down and talk I'm gonna have to set guidelines or something. I dunno. I wanna fight for it, and I know he does to.

LeopoldB posted 12/10/2013 21:50 PM

I am sorry this happened. Age is no excuse. Alcohol is no excuse. But 21 yo boys and girls who get blind drunk sometimes do things they regret. You will have to decide whether this is a deal breaker. There is also a totally separate question as to whether you are ready to invest yourself fully into a relationship at this young age. I probably wouldn't even let your young man drive my car. Does he care more about you than I care about my car?

Forgive if you can, forget if you can, live a full life for yourself. Your feelings are real and important. Give it some time. Try to gain some greater perspective. He may not be at the same place you are right now.

Jesu posted 12/10/2013 22:34 PM

Um, it's a new relationship, you haven't even had sex yet, and he's already cheating on you.

Seriously, it's not worth it. I'd walk away and never look back if I were you.

needtoforget posted 12/10/2013 22:46 PM

LeopoldB, thank you. He knows it's not an excuse. He's beat himself up over it and regrets it so much. I've already fully invested myself into our relationship and so has he. I really don't think it's a deal breaker. I just need the mental image of them out of my head. That's the worst part right now.

Jesu

Um, it's a new relationship, you haven't even had sex yet, and he's already cheating on you.
Seriously, it's not worth it. I'd walk away and never look back if I were you.

It may be a new romantic relationship, but it's felt like we've been together for years. He's been in love with me for almost our entire friendship. I really do think he regrets it and never meant for it to happen. Thank you for the advice really. I can't walk away though.

Dyinghere posted 12/10/2013 23:25 PM

Oh, the mind movies are awful.

I can tell you what I would say to my daughter: You matter. You are important. You can do so much better for yourself. Your self respect is valuable.

Pick up the pieces and move on.

Dare2Trust posted 12/11/2013 02:07 AM

neetoforget,

I'm sorry-but I don't believe this for one minute:

Neither even remembered it since they found out by the other people at the house telling them

The FIRST THING your CHEATING BOYFRIEND needs to do is BE 100% honest with you!
Until he can do this...you need to run, run, run away from this relationship.

THE LAST THING you need to do is: Involve yourself sexually with THIS CHEATING BOYFRIEND until:
---He seekes counseling to address: WHY he cheated in the first place; and WHY he's lying to your.
---THEN you can give serious consideration to whether or not you should continue this relationship.
---BUT, he's "broken" and you cannot FIX HIM.

nekorb posted 12/11/2013 06:35 AM

If I could figure out how to put quotes in here I would insert the part where you said, "I need him".

Really? For WHAT???

To cheaton you? To lie? To be his doormat?

You are so young yet. Please listen to those of us that are here that are older and wiser and can see So much more of the picture than you can at this point.

Walk away.

There is difference between how you handle these things in the beginning of a relationship and when you are years and years into one. Different things to consider.

You don't even have your relationship off the ground yet.

He is SHOWING YOU WHO HE IS.

Believe him.

p.s. His being "in love with you" for all these years as kids didn't give him one second of pause before he was getting drunk and having sex with someone else, now did it?

[This message edited by nekorb at 6:37 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

hemademesingle posted 12/11/2013 07:09 AM

If you were my daughter I would tell you to run,I have a daughter that is 20, I would tell her that she is deserving of respect, if her boyfriend can't control himself, that is on him, she deserves a man that is a man, not someone that is broken and has issues, she is young, has her whole life ahead of her, she is bright, she knows that she deserves better, she does not need to settle. If she means anything to him he will get help, he will put personal boundaries in place, like no alcohol, what ever it is to make her feel safe and be able to heal, he needs to own his actions and be accountable, if he's not going to help her heal then he needs to be gone

You were friends long before you began dating, friends don't betray friends, with friends like that you don't need enemies, alcohol is no excuse, does he have an alcohol problem, if so that's a whole other bag of issues, and pretty scary at his age, unfortunately if you read here on SI, the first story told by the wayward is usually a lie, unfortunately at your young age it is a hard lesson to learn that cheaters cheat, and liars lie,

Please think long and hard before you turn the relationship sexual, having sex with him will not solve any issues,if anything it will make it worse,it will not make him be faithful, if you do have sex then be proactive and protect yourself,

longtimepassed posted 12/11/2013 10:24 AM

You have obviously decided that breaking up is not an option, so people telling you that you should isn't the kind of advice you are looking for right now.

I am 25, and had a boyfriend who cheated on me when I was 20. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I thought about it constantly, dreamt about it constantly. In hindsight, I wish I had been strong enough to kick him to the kerb and move on, but I loved him to much and stuck it out. In the end it wasn't worth it, and we split up. But you have to come to that decision in your own time.

I agree with Dare2Trust, it seems very convenient that he didn't even know he had done it, in my experience, if my boyfriend couldn't remember anything about the night, he was probably too drunk to have sex. You need to tell him that honestly and transparency is the only thing that will get you through this, that you have mutual friends and you can't find out things weeks or months down the line and find out he lied. I also worry that you have excused him so easily, I know you are having internal battles, but for him to know that you are gonna work it out, it has basically told him, you do this to me I will forgive you straight away. You need to show him you can survive without him and you won't take sh!t.

I hope you are okay and sorry that you age going through this.

Just so you know, I agree with everything the previous poster has said, you are worth so much more than the way this guy has treated you, but ultimately it is your decision to stay with him, and I wish you best of luck with everything

[This message edited by longtimepassed at 10:28 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

needtoforget posted 12/11/2013 20:10 PM

longtimepassed, thank you. Being told to break up with him isn't advice I'm going to take. Not yet at least. I might be wrong, but I have to go with my heart and gut right now. I do appreciate everything everyone has said though. If anything like this happens again he knows it would be over. He expected it to be over this time. Once I'm down there I'm gonna talk to him about his drinking and about everything in general. I can't give up on him so easily. Maybe I'm just too forgiving. He's still beating himself up over it. I know relationships can work past something like this, and I believe we can. I was hoping for people with similar experiences who have worked past cheating. Not so much being told to leave him multiple times. Though it is appreciated. Neither of us are gonna give up that easily. We both want to work through this. I just need to figure out how to put those thoughts behind me.

[This message edited by needtoforget at 8:13 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

longtimepassed posted 12/12/2013 04:10 AM

I can give you a story of working past cheating, but I want you to know it wasn't all happy for me at the end, I still have a hard time trusting and forgetting about it, i'm sure many many people here can relate to that.

My boyfriend and I were together in our teens, from when I was about 16-18, he is 3 years older than me. There was alot of jealousy and immature fighting etc, and we broke up.

We eventually got back together when I was 22. I lived away (about an hour on a plane or a 5 hour drive and ferry journey). We had been friends again for a while before, and making the transition from friends to bf and gf was hard, kindof weird for us. Anyway sorry this is likely going to be a bit rambly!! So to cut a long story short, he kissed 2 girls when we were together, with MULTIPLE instances of flirting, taking things too far for my liking, when he was out. When he drinks he is hyper and like a mad labrador talking to any and everyone, and he was very drunk in both cases that he kissed another girl. At the time, he told me he MAY have kissed them but couldnt remember. This was hard enough to hear, and I wwanted to break up with him I just couldn't bring myself to do it. No matter what I did, things just kept happening and I felt terrible. He stopped drinking spirits for a couple of periods, he stopped going out as much etc etc. Eventually, this year we had a MASSIVE fight about him going out, he ended up at a party with his friends, I was calling him all night, crying, telling him to go home, he wouldnt and eventually turned his phone off. The next day was a turning point for us, we both realised we had to change. I had to really begin to try and trust him and he had to give me no reason not to. I have full access to his social media accounts and phone, he tells me everything, and soon after that admitted he had kissed those girls and did remember it, and if i wanted to walk away he understood.

I chose to give him one more chance and things have been really good for almost a year, he proposed in November, he has joined the fire service, he works really hard and goes out once in a while, usually with me.

Anyway what I am saying is, it took a LONG time for things to change, years. I'm glad now I gave him another chance, but there were times I wished I hadn't.

You obviously need to have a long and serious chat with him.

It will be EXTREMELY difficult to get the thougts out of your head, only a change from him and time will help, in my experience. I still get angry and upset sometimes thinking about what he did, although it does lessen a bit over time.

Good luck!

sohowamI posted 12/12/2013 06:52 AM

Sweetheart you are 20 years old. In some states, I understand, you can't even buy a packet of cigarettes unless you are over 21 and you want to settle down with a 21 year old child who can't resist his sexual urges? He gets so drunk that he 'can't remember' having had sex and sex with a friend of his? Please, please. Would YOU believe anyone else if they had told you this about THEIR boyfriend?

Lots of people here have given you the same advice. Dump him. You think that you love him because you have been 'friends' for so long. He's no friend of yours. People who 'love' each other in the real sense of the word don't cheat. They don't respect you. They have issues. He's all of 21 and he's getting blind drunk and cheating on you already - and you haven't even had sex yet!

Listen to everyone's advice. Look at it objectively. Write it out on a piece of paper. Make a list of pros and cons. Be aware. Is this how you want to spend your life? Wondering where he's going to cheat on you next?

Sorry this is harsh. I think that you need a wake up call. I'm speaking from experience here - as are so many others!

Michman posted 12/12/2013 07:26 AM

You deserve better. Dump him, forget her. Don't do anything that would get you in trouble. One thing I learned the hard way is that there is probably more than one time a cheater cheats. Getting "black out drunk" is also a big red flag. He is basically saying, "I was too drunk, it wasn't my fault." I was 21 once too, and I had a lot of fun. But I can still remember all the stupid crap I did 20 years later.

Enjoy the holidays with your family and real friends.

needtoforget posted 12/12/2013 16:23 PM

Thank you again, longtimepassed. Having a long chat with him is exactly what I plan on doing. Asking for access to his social media and everything as well, and of course making sure he never comes in contact with her again. Good luck in your relationship as well!

I know it sounds unlikely he doesn't remember, but I do know how he is when he's drunk. He's been less drunk than that and still not remembered things. No, it's not an excuse. He knows that. He said himself it wasn't. We both know it isn't. He thinks he doesn't deserve me, which I'm sure everyone here would agree with. But I don't plan on condemning him just yet. He'll have his chance to prove himself to me. To rebuild the trust. If anything were to happen again he would never expect me to stay. I know it's going against a majority of the advice, but I have no plans to leave him right now. Once I say what I need to say to her I'm cutting her out and blocking her from everything she friended me on. Me and him will talk about what needs to change. Everyone probably thinks it's a dumb decision to stay, but I'm staying with my eyes open. I'm not getting ahead of myself and saying this is it for the rest of my life. I'm seeing how it goes. If things change. I honestly do feel like we can be okay after this though. Thank you still, for all the hard advice.

[This message edited by needtoforget at 4:37 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Skan posted 12/13/2013 11:15 AM

(((hugs))) Welcome. I'm sorry that you had the reason to be here, but I am glad that you found us.

First off, have you read through The Healing Library yet? If not, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and then click on it and start reading. You'll find a lot of good information there for you.

Next, since you are not ready to leave him, you need to figure out what it is that YOU need from him, to feel secure enough to try to continue with this long-distance relationship. You really haven't dated for a long time, yet he's already managed to betray you. Normally, the advice for trying to reconcile is total transparency he gives you access to (and passwords for) all of his electronic devices, phone, social media, etc. Complete and utter NC (non contact) with the OW (other woman check out the abbreviations too because we use a lot here). Counseling, to figure out why the WBF made the decision to betray the relationship. And in this case, where booze was involved, a strict no-drinking policy and no going out with women at all. Now, all of these steps are hard enough when you're together, but since you are quite some distance away, you are going to need to figure out how this can work with you in one place and him in another. And you're going to need him to commit to these steps as well as figure out how to ensure that he's actually following these commitments. It's not going to be easy. And as has already been said, he needs to have a STD/HIV test immediately (and schedule the after test for HIV as well), and you need to see the official results before you even consider having sex with him.

I certainly would urge you to go see him and talk it out. I have to be frank unless he agrees with and follows through with NC and no-booze, then I don't have a lot of hope. I also find his story to be not all that credible.

Best of luck to you. Please come back for support. We are all here for you.

needtoforget posted 12/13/2013 16:56 PM

Thank you, Skan! I plan on doing all of those things. Once I'm there we'll be able to sit down and have a long talk about everything. I'm hoping to try and get him around better influences as well. Friends that will watch out for him. His have always been lacking in that aspect. It's gonna be difficult, but I wanna put in a good effort to at least try and get past it. I know he wants to do whatever he can. Thanks to everyone who welcomed me as well. It's nice to be able to write everything out at least.

nekorb posted 12/14/2013 06:56 AM

Needtoforget-

Can I just say that last post sounded like a mother talking about her child and how she is going to support him vs a girlfriend/friend supporting her cheating boyfriend/friend.

I know you don't want to break up. Sometimes the right thing isn't the easy thing.

Please keep in mind that many of us here are older with more life experience. We've been to the puppet show and we've seen the strings, so to speak. We are speaking to you from our experience.

But also, we will be here to support you. Keeping in mind that "support" doesn't always equal saying what you want to hear.

(((Hugs)))

[This message edited by nekorb at 7:53 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]