I suppose out of the entire thing, that is the hardest for me to grasp. He has been so loving and affectionate and swearing his undying love for me for the last couple of months. WHY?!? If all along he wanted her, why waste the energy or lies on me? That hurts so much.
He has been intimate with me a lot. Daily, and sometimes more than once a day, but he's also been with her quite often. I hate to add this, but it's a huge part of the sadistic nature of their sickening affair. Part of their pleasure is apparently coming from him coming home to me after being with her and then being with me. He showers first, not that that really helps, but it's slightly less gross that he does. Then he texts her details. Who the hell does that? Some of the texts actually made me physically ill. I can't imagine how they can be so sadistic and disgusting. Him, but especially her. Why would it turn her on to know he still wanted me even though they are apparently so in love with each other that they are throwing away their families?
I know to get tested for STD's and I've made an appointment to talk to a lawyer. I know we will never reconcile, but is it normal for me to deep down still wish that we could? When will the anger and even hate kick in so maybe I can stop sitting and crying constantly? I know he's not worth any more tears, but how can I just stop loving him? How long will it take to stop hurting so bad? I actually think I might die from the pain.
Some more experienced members will be along, but I can say with certainty: you are not stupid, this is not your doing, and you do not deserve the lies and the illusions. The illusions are the most abusive part.
Breathe. Post here. Breathe again. There are a lot of good people here who understand and who are with you.
You are not abnormal for wishing deep down you can R. When you love someone and invest all of yourself in a relationship, I think it is normal to want to keep it. However, he is demonstrating his lack of commitment to the relationship. Especially if this is more than one affair.
Read the 180 in the Healing library in the yellow box on the left side of your screen. The 180 is to help you cope through this. You are on the right track with the doctor and lawyer. There is a lot of support for you here.
But I can give (((hugs))) and say I'm so sorry your here.
Let yourself grieve. It's a lot to think about all at once.
I hope your STD testing comes out AOK.
I am so very sorry to read what you are going through... and yes, it sounds completely sadistic and sick. Blech. Hard to believe that someone who is supposed to have your back is capable of this. My heart just breaks for you.
You sound like you are handling this really well so far. Your post is remarkably calm, despite the overwhelming emotion I know you must be experiencing. Please take good care of yourself: stay hydrated, eat what you can, rest, and find good support people you can talk to, and post here a lot!
And no, I don't think it's at all odd that you wish you could reconcile. Every person reacts very differently, but no reaction is wrong. This is someone you love(d) and gave your heart to, fully expecting that he would honor his commitment to you. It is hard to let go. These threads are full of people struggling with similar questions. I, too, am not one who can walk away easily.
You sound very strong and like you have a good head on your shoulders. It's helpful that the OBS gave you the info you need to make an informed decision for yourself. It's just a travesty what WS's are capable of doing to the people they are supposed to love, honor, and cherish.
So very sorry for your pain... Wishing you strength...
He will get in touch with you again wanting to make this work "but I just can't handle the arguing and lack of trust". He will try and manipulate you into giving in and forgetting all about it. He will try and cake eat more. Let him go. He wants her? Then let him have her full time and even better let slut whore have him full time. Easier said then done I know but stay strong. You don't need him nor this shit.
Seems to me the being with her and then coming home and being with you, then sharing that info with her is part of the glue that holds them together. It is almost like having a sacrifice of you on the alter of their love They are sick.
Just remember, if you D, he will be cheating on her shortly. It is in his nature, proven by his track record with you. He isn't a prize. I know that hurts but when you can accept that you can start to heal with or without him. You will be stronger knowing he is the weak one, the one who can't be honorable, has no morals and can't resist temptation. You did nothing wrong, you were honorable, morally sound and committed to your M. Take comfort in that.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl