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suffocating from the pain

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NotFixable posted 12/10/2013 20:49 PM

This isn't the first affair the scumbag has had. After the last one, it ended and we did counseling and worked hard to get our marriage back. A couple of weeks ago, I found out about this new one. We originally decided to try to fix us again, (yes I know how stupid I am for even thinking that!). For two weeks, he told me daily how much he loved me and wanted to be the man our daughter & I deserve. He swore it was over with her and there has been no contact whatsoever. It was a lie. Her husband was able to get all their texts and they are still constantly texting how much they love each other and can't wait to be together. He is using a tracphone that he keeps hidden from me, so I can't read them myself. I didn't tell him I knew about the texts but confronted him again about how much he has hurt us and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. He ended up telling me that he's done with me and he doesn't love me, then packed his clothes and moved out. All along swearing that it's not because of her because he doesn't want her and hasn't seen or talked to her. He had told me he loved me and wanted to stay with me just a couple of hours before that.

I suppose out of the entire thing, that is the hardest for me to grasp. He has been so loving and affectionate and swearing his undying love for me for the last couple of months. WHY?!? If all along he wanted her, why waste the energy or lies on me? That hurts so much.

He has been intimate with me a lot. Daily, and sometimes more than once a day, but he's also been with her quite often. I hate to add this, but it's a huge part of the sadistic nature of their sickening affair. Part of their pleasure is apparently coming from him coming home to me after being with her and then being with me. He showers first, not that that really helps, but it's slightly less gross that he does. Then he texts her details. Who the hell does that? Some of the texts actually made me physically ill. I can't imagine how they can be so sadistic and disgusting. Him, but especially her. Why would it turn her on to know he still wanted me even though they are apparently so in love with each other that they are throwing away their families?

I know to get tested for STD's and I've made an appointment to talk to a lawyer. I know we will never reconcile, but is it normal for me to deep down still wish that we could? When will the anger and even hate kick in so maybe I can stop sitting and crying constantly? I know he's not worth any more tears, but how can I just stop loving him? How long will it take to stop hurting so bad? I actually think I might die from the pain.

84CF posted 12/10/2013 20:54 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how awful it is.

Some more experienced members will be along, but I can say with certainty: you are not stupid, this is not your doing, and you do not deserve the lies and the illusions. The illusions are the most abusive part.

Breathe. Post here. Breathe again. There are a lot of good people here who understand and who are with you.

brkn_heartd posted 12/10/2013 21:01 PM

I am so sorry that you need to be here. It is so painful the crap a wayward partner heaps upon their betrayed partner. You are right, it is sadistic. They think of nothing but their own "fix" for what ever pleasure they get from it.

You are not abnormal for wishing deep down you can R. When you love someone and invest all of yourself in a relationship, I think it is normal to want to keep it. However, he is demonstrating his lack of commitment to the relationship. Especially if this is more than one affair.

Read the 180 in the Healing library in the yellow box on the left side of your screen. The 180 is to help you cope through this. You are on the right track with the doctor and lawyer. There is a lot of support for you here.

nekorb posted 12/10/2013 21:01 PM

I'm not one of the experienced members!

But I can give (((hugs))) and say I'm so sorry your here.

Let yourself grieve. It's a lot to think about all at once.

I hope your STD testing comes out AOK.

StillStanding1 posted 12/10/2013 21:18 PM


I am so very sorry to read what you are going through... and yes, it sounds completely sadistic and sick. Blech. Hard to believe that someone who is supposed to have your back is capable of this. My heart just breaks for you.

You sound like you are handling this really well so far. Your post is remarkably calm, despite the overwhelming emotion I know you must be experiencing. Please take good care of yourself: stay hydrated, eat what you can, rest, and find good support people you can talk to, and post here a lot!

And no, I don't think it's at all odd that you wish you could reconcile. Every person reacts very differently, but no reaction is wrong. This is someone you love(d) and gave your heart to, fully expecting that he would honor his commitment to you. It is hard to let go. These threads are full of people struggling with similar questions. I, too, am not one who can walk away easily.

You sound very strong and like you have a good head on your shoulders. It's helpful that the OBS gave you the info you need to make an informed decision for yourself. It's just a travesty what WS's are capable of doing to the people they are supposed to love, honor, and cherish.

So very sorry for your pain... Wishing you strength...

Broken1Again posted 12/11/2013 00:06 AM

Well, let him go. Now the fun begins. How will his sadistic, foggy, unreal relationship survive when the catalysts are gone? (You and the OWs BS)

He will get in touch with you again wanting to make this work "but I just can't handle the arguing and lack of trust". He will try and manipulate you into giving in and forgetting all about it. He will try and cake eat more. Let him go. He wants her? Then let him have her full time and even better let slut whore have him full time. Easier said then done I know but stay strong. You don't need him nor this shit.

Exarmychick posted 12/11/2013 00:46 AM

I can not imagine your pain. That is really sick of the BS and The woman involved to be so hurtful. I don't know if I could forgive that. I am truly empathetic for you.

momentintime posted 12/11/2013 01:03 AM

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving you will find your way. Only you can decide when that point comes.

Seems to me the being with her and then coming home and being with you, then sharing that info with her is part of the glue that holds them together. It is almost like having a sacrifice of you on the alter of their love They are sick.

Just remember, if you D, he will be cheating on her shortly. It is in his nature, proven by his track record with you. He isn't a prize. I know that hurts but when you can accept that you can start to heal with or without him. You will be stronger knowing he is the weak one, the one who can't be honorable, has no morals and can't resist temptation. You did nothing wrong, you were honorable, morally sound and committed to your M. Take comfort in that.

NotFixable posted 12/11/2013 18:49 PM

Thanks all. It is really helping to post and read all the other stories on here. It's so sad that there even has to be a site like this, but at least I see that I am definitely not alone. There is a small amount of comfort in that.

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