Another thing that my BH said to me the only reason that someone would engage in an affair is if they were extremely dissatisfied with their relationship. We had problems but a lot of happiness. My infidelity is a deeper symptom of deep rooted problems in me, not about if I was dissatisfied with him. Yes, we had problems, but NONE OF THOSE PROBLEMS JUSTIFY MY ACTIONS. Any opinions on this?
[This message edited by pizzalover at 7:32 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]
Me - WW 41
Him - BH 41 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
Another thing that my BH said to me the only reason that someone would engage in an affair is if they were extremely dissatisfied with their relationship.
He's probably having a hard time wrapping his head around it because it defies logic. He cannot make sense of things and being patient while you work through these issues can be difficult. It lends to the feeling of powerlessness.
Also, he may have his own thoughts (or deep fears) about why you did what you did and is waiting to see them disproved or validated.
If he isn't in IC himself then he should go, if for no other reason than to give him an outlet. You recognize your own issues drove your behavior. You're not blameshifting which is a strong step imho. That's good. Many BS readily accept some (or most) blameshifting because then it makes them feel it is a problem they can solve. "If I do x, y, and z then WS won't do that again. Whew! Problem solved. I feel better now!" Emphasis on the 'now!' part. It takes patience to wait while a WS figures these things out. It means taking a step back too. It means acknowledging those are issues out of their (i.e. the BS) control.
You cry and that's how you express yourself. If you don't need/want your BH to comfort you and just want to vent those emotions then let him know that. Maybe even work out a signal. A phrase or a gesture. I can tell you that if you cry where others can see you your BH probably feels pressured to step in as most people would look on him as being thoughtless for not helping.
The important thing is that you are there and you are willing to be vulnerable to your boyfriend. Consider in a way that he is being vulnerable too. Even if his name calling and insults hurt, please stay strong. That doesn't mean don't cry, that just means try by any means possible to endure it. Eventually, he may finally cough out all the poison you put in him. I guess just think of it like that?
Just a side note, but if it ever became physical, don't stand for that. What you did was horrible, yes, but you don't deserve to be hit for that. Not saying he did, but just making sure you know there's a limit.
["If you knew it was wrong, you wouldn't have done it."
This is not necessarily true. I myself knew cheating was wrong...I did it anyway because I didn't CARE that it was wrong.
"It only matters that your needs were met."
Truth. For me too, and it sounds like for you...the right or wrong didn't matter; only that we were getting what we wanted.
I disagree with your BH that someone ONLY cheats if they are extremely dissatisfied with their relationship. Again, I'm an example. I was not extremely dissatisfied with my M, yet I cheated anyway.
My opinion is that the vast majority of people cheat simply because they want to and they feel they can get away with it. All the "why"s and "how"s behind it are fine to a point, if it helps one identify and fix pathology or deep psychological issues (which admittedly many of us have), but I believe that just as important, if not more so, is developing new and healthier ways of existing, coping, relating to others, etc.
My whys all boiled down to one thing: I wanted to and I didn't care about anything but what I wanted. Disgusting, but there it is. The work I've done over the past nearly 4 years has been less about the "why and how did I get to that point?" (although that was certainly explored) and more about "what am I going to do to ensure I never get to that point again?" One of the answers to that has been to commit to being a certain type of person and choose every action carefully to personify that.
It doesn't come naturally to me. I have to work at it, and sometimes I slip. But I make progress every day, and I'll bet you're making progress too, even if it feels as though you're spinning your wheels.
Divorced and remarried to XBH
First child (daughter) born February 2016
After DDay my BH knew he had to push through the tears. He was no longer going to stop the discussion because I was in a pool of tears. The dynamic we had created no longer worked for us and we needed to create a new one. I still cry when the situation is emotional. But the difference is the crying doesn't halt the progress we need to make anymore. Perhaps you can discuss this with your BH and let him know that no matter how many tears are falling you want him to carry on the discussion so the two of you can make progress together. It's ok to cry. But you need to push through the tears.
As far as the actual discussion? Of course you knew what you were doing was wrong. You chose to do it anyway. That's the why you need to figure out. Of course you were being selfish. But why? What were you telling yourself every time you went there 'gleefully' that made it alright for you? Because your husband is right. You did go there willingly (and I would bet gleefully), it did only matter that your needs were met.
I would be willing to bet that his frustration not comes from a place of hurt but also because there is a resistance to owning your actions for what they were. If there is a bit of defensiveness on your part and any kind of lack of ownership, he will become angry. But I can tell you from experience that it subsides greatly when you can look at your actions and say, yes. I was solely thinking of myself and did not acknowledge your feelings in the matter what so ever. Or, I did acknowledge your feelings but it didn't matter enough at the time to make a difference. It's a blow but probably closer to the truth than you crying and telling him how distraught you were and sick over what you were doing. I mean really go back and look at your thought process and then own it. I guarantee he will be upset about what he hears but have more respect for that than sugar coating.
Pay less attention to the crying in general and more attention to the motivation behind it.