"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

blakesteele posted 12/11/2013 11:10 AM

Just a rant I feel compelled to express.

NOTE: My wife is doing a good job at working on herself and re-committing to our M and our family. So this is NOT a reflection of my CURRENT journey.

This rant was generated from one of my fellow SI members recent post. In her post her husband is still pissing around the bullshit stance of....I need space to figure "this all out".

Anyone hear this line before from a WS? Whats to figure out?!?!? You caused severe damage...damage at the "traumatic level" to your spouse and your family. Yes, you have brokenness that needs tending...and you will need to do that too...but you have to prioritize your actions. First and foremost you need to check those at ground zero...a ground zero that your decision to choose adultery as a way of dealing with life caused!

WS asking "Did I cause too much damage to R my marriage?" This is a WS feeling around to see if the herculean effort needed to repair the damage they have done is "worth it to them". In other words...."What if I, the WS, work on repairing all of this damage I caused and my marriage ends anyway?"

My answer to this question? Too fucking bad!

This is what is meant when it is said a WS has to step up and step up hard to repair the damage they caused.....regardless if they get a damn thing out of it! They already risked it all for NOTHING....why the hesitation to risk what is left for SOMETHING?!?!?

I know I used foul language, and that is a weakness.

"Profanity is a strong expression of a weak mind"--Mark Twain

It shows a weakness in me around the anger I have with this lame excuse of how to operate within a M post-A.

So aggravating that soooo much energy and effort is put in by a WS during their affair into something that DESTROYS the person doing it, the M they are a part of , and the family they agreed to start within that M....and so little energy to put into R...something that nurtures and grows themselves, a M and the family they are a part of. Times that by 2 when you consider that, many times, their AP are doing the exact same thing!!!!).

My counselor has advised me to stop searching for logic in the ill-logical. Adultery is illogical. If logic existed within the people engaged in it at sufficient levels, it would never be an option chosen.

I get what my counselor is telling me, instructing me....but when I see the pain it causes....either in me or in a fellow BS...it is more than I can stand....I cross some sort of threshold and go search for logic.

Orgasms must have been GREAT! Kissing was FANTASTIC! Deep conversations must have been MIND BLOWING!

Something that shows the gamble was worth the wager.....

Of course.....no logic is there to be found. So I get frustrated. God help me, I cuss when I get frustrated. This frustration peaked for me during the trickl-truthing, lying, deceptive, breaking NC, taking underground stage that followed my DD. And I RAGED!

God have mercy on me....I have cussed and yelled at my wife like I have never done to ANYONE in my life....didn't even know I was capable of such RAGE.

....now I know.

Please...any WS that reads this.....do what my wife HAS done.

Step up into R hard! And do it ASAP. Even if you don't feel like it....please, do it. What are you protecting? Your M died when you fucked someone other than your spouse....what are you protecting within your M? Stop protecting yourself...it is time to find the courage to stop the abuse cycle you started.

Peace to us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:18 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 12/11/2013 11:29 AM

I get it, blakesteele. Good rant. We need to rant. It is safe here at SI. It is safe to use profanity, too.

"Profanity is a strong expression of a weak mind"--Mark Twain

However, I don't agree with this quote. First of it is a generalization and an opinion. I really don't trust anyone who won't/can't use profanity. Not profusely mind you, but someone who can't throw in some profanity once in awhile always has me suspicious. *shrug* I find using "fuck" is a *vice* I can live with. Much better than most *vices*.

I am pretty fucking perfect, so I need something to show that I am not! (said with tongue planted firmly in cheek)

karmahappens posted 12/11/2013 11:33 AM

I am pretty fucking perfect, so I need something to show that I am not! (said with tongue planted firmly in cheek)

And I fucking agree Sister!!

sisoon posted 12/11/2013 11:52 AM

Whew! I was worried when I read the title. I'm very glad this doesn't reflect your current sitch.

T/J - I'm not sure I agree that 'I need space' is always a copout.

Guilt is an obstacle to R. A WS MUST get out of the 'I've effed up irredeemably' mindset to become a partner in R. After all, if the WS is irredeemable, the WS can't heal.

IMO, a person can be so deep in his/her sense of guilt that separation may help him/her process his/her guilt, take responsibility, commit to making amends, etc., and thereby become a candidate for R. I'm not saying this will happen, just that it may, and if it's not happening while they are together, separation can be a cure.

I'm not arguing with your vent - it's a great vent.

But you raise an important, interesting point, and the vent doesn't do justice to the issue.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:53 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

blakesteele posted 12/11/2013 12:02 PM

....and my black and white, all good and all bad personality traits are showing loud and clear.

Sistermilkshake...I see and agree with your point. There is a time for righteous anger and cuss words do convey a sense of power when used in that circumstance.

Karmahappens....such words from a lady!

Surely Bionicgal will not chime in in similar fashion? She throws cappuchinos and sparking water at her husband....too classy for cuss words, right?

Sisoon, always hold my breath when you chime in on one of my post....I respect your insight and you almost always find a fly in my ointment. Yes, I totally agree a separation is good for both involved. The gamble the WS takes in this, though, is causing more pain to the BS. My opinion is the threshold a WS has to have before this tool is choosen must be higher than that of the BS. If the threshold is too low...it sends the message to the BS that the WS is not mature enough to do M.

Odd to post this when I am doing okay....just felt lots of empathy for another SI member who is struggling harder than I am today.

Peace to us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:02 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

blakesteele posted 12/11/2013 12:06 PM

Hey Sissoon...sorry for the scare!

You are one of a few SI members who I would feel comfortable sending a PM if my situation worsened substantially...my no PM female SI members rule being the cause of this....

Thank you for the kindness and support you have shown me in the past...and I take much comfort that I can PM you in the future should the need arise.

Sorry again for the incorrect title...no way to change that now.

I am fine. Actually on a good angle right now. Mind movies suck still...but doing good really.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:07 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

GotPlayed posted 12/11/2013 12:06 PM

SisterMilkshake,

A bit offtopic but Re: Profanity

I was raised and sternly corrected to not use profanity since very little (I'm bilingual, and in my first language, profanity can be an entire subculture, with its own art and literature).

Having said that, I've used profanity more since D-Day than I've ever done. I've cut back again a bunch by now.

The problem with profanity is that the power of those words fades with over use, and it's contextual to the person. It's not that it's bad to use them, it's that those who overuse it when talking next to those who don't are seen as shrill and overemotional, so their arguments lose validity the more they use the profanity (it's not rational, and there's plenty of shrill and overemotional people who don't use profanity, but it happens).

It's what happens today whenever we fight and it's come real useful to me in this time of crises. I almost never use profanity. WW can be cussing like a sailor for half an hour, but if she makes me truly angry I can quietly (or raising the voice a bit) utter a profanity before or while I make my point and it will throw her completely off her rant. Literally she can't speak for a little bit. Lets me bring quite a long point without being talked over.

Being able to stop arguments cold comes in handy. I usually try to defuse right afterwards, but I do get my point across.

karmahappens posted 12/11/2013 12:28 PM

Oh sisoon

You always are so good. I will throw in my 2 cents FWIW.

The marriage is broken, either beyond repair or not, after an A.

The BS is usually shattered, devastated by the WS's actions.

I believe the gut reaction many times for a BS is to hang onto the marriage and cling. It takes a little bit to realize that sometimes an A is a deal-breaker for the M and sometimes it can be repaired.

The deciding factor is TIME.

It is always time. The BS needs to wrap his/her head around the state of the M vs their view of the M, the WS needs to figure out if they truly want out or if the A was a sign of bigger emotional internal issues.

We know there are issues. A WS needs to figure out their shit. I would rather they tell me they are unsure than to lie to me and pretend life couldn't be better.

So as much as the BS is bleeding on the floor a WS is bleeding internally.

I have pity for all. (I do not pity repeat offenders who do not fix their shit and continue the abuse...FWIW)

The most you can expect from a WS when dday hits is to help stop the bleeding. Throwing around false promises only adds to the future hurt. Saying things you don't mean only makes the hurt last longer.

What you need is some honesty.

If the honest answer is "my head is so far up my ass I don't know which way to turn" then...thank you, I will gauge my response based on your current assesment of yourself and procede with my best interests at heart.

I, the BS will walk forward, healing myself with the hopes that you are able to pick yourself up and do the same. I don't know how much time I will give you, I only know that when I am done I will know, when I am healthy and emotionally stable I will continue to make decisions based on your current actions and what you have shown me from day 1.

The WS can choose to get IC and figure out what they want, what they need, which direction to spin in.

Doesn't mean it's instant. Some days you see glimmers of hope, other days it's dark and cloudy.

But time is what everyone needs after dday and after an A is exposed.

Your world has blown up and your WS is holding the explosives.

Take the time, allow the time (within reason, not "asshole" time "I am trying time" big difference)
I would rather give space now than rugsweep and find myself back in the same place in 2,4 6 years.

Do what you can to minimize the hurt and pain, with honesty. Don't give false hope to someone that has been shot, if you know you are done say it and let the BS accept and hear their truth.

Simple, honest, time....

Ambergray posted 12/11/2013 12:45 PM

Blakesteele,

Please also remember this quote, also from Mark Twain!!

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
-Mark Twain

I read this in an opening to a book not long after dday. I could not agree more. :-)

Sometimes no other words express what we need to say.

Nature_Girl posted 12/11/2013 12:49 PM

Re: cursing.

I never cursed at my ex. I do curse here, though. It's cathartic.

SummerStorm21 posted 12/11/2013 13:28 PM

Sometimes I wish my counselor would just cut to the chase and tell me what to do. I know he's seen it all.

It seems a lot to ask for me to sit through all this pain and try different ways of communicating with WS. I would rather be told stuff like - give up on logical. It is hard to hear, but at east its something I can work on. I would have liked to have heard it six months ago, rather than slowly getting to the same answer.

It does hurt to come on here a lot. It still shocks me every time I hear WS's acting horribly. After everything else. But I know I have an army to face it all with too.

Never alone.

Keep venting.

blakesteele posted 12/11/2013 13:36 PM

Ambergray....I thought I knew Mark Twain well....never heard this from him.

I LIKE IT!!!!

God be with us all.