Just a rant I feel compelled to express.
NOTE: My wife is doing a good job at working on herself and re-committing to our M and our family. So this is NOT a reflection of my CURRENT journey.
This rant was generated from one of my fellow SI members recent post. In her post her husband is still pissing around the bullshit stance of....I need space to figure "this all out".
Anyone hear this line before from a WS? Whats to figure out?!?!? You caused severe damage...damage at the "traumatic level" to your spouse and your family. Yes, you have brokenness that needs tending...and you will need to do that too...but you have to prioritize your actions. First and foremost you need to check those at ground zero...a ground zero that your decision to choose adultery as a way of dealing with life caused!
WS asking "Did I cause too much damage to R my marriage?" This is a WS feeling around to see if the herculean effort needed to repair the damage they have done is "worth it to them". In other words...."What if I, the WS, work on repairing all of this damage I caused and my marriage ends anyway?"
My answer to this question? Too fucking bad!
This is what is meant when it is said a WS has to step up and step up hard to repair the damage they caused.....regardless if they get a damn thing out of it! They already risked it all for NOTHING....why the hesitation to risk what is left for SOMETHING?!?!?
I know I used foul language, and that is a weakness.
"Profanity is a strong expression of a weak mind"--Mark Twain
It shows a weakness in me around the anger I have with this lame excuse of how to operate within a M post-A.
So aggravating that soooo much energy and effort is put in by a WS during their affair into something that DESTROYS the person doing it, the M they are a part of , and the family they agreed to start within that M....and so little energy to put into R...something that nurtures and grows themselves, a M and the family they are a part of. Times that by 2 when you consider that, many times, their AP are doing the exact same thing!!!!).
My counselor has advised me to stop searching for logic in the ill-logical. Adultery is illogical. If logic existed within the people engaged in it at sufficient levels, it would never be an option chosen.
I get what my counselor is telling me, instructing me....but when I see the pain it causes....either in me or in a fellow BS...it is more than I can stand....I cross some sort of threshold and go search for logic.
Orgasms must have been GREAT! Kissing was FANTASTIC! Deep conversations must have been MIND BLOWING!
Something that shows the gamble was worth the wager.....
Of course.....no logic is there to be found. So I get frustrated. God help me, I cuss when I get frustrated. This frustration peaked for me during the trickl-truthing, lying, deceptive, breaking NC, taking underground stage that followed my DD. And I RAGED!
God have mercy on me....I have cussed and yelled at my wife like I have never done to ANYONE in my life....didn't even know I was capable of such RAGE.
....now I know.
Please...any WS that reads this.....do what my wife HAS done.
Step up into R hard! And do it ASAP. Even if you don't feel like it....please, do it. What are you protecting? Your M died when you fucked someone other than your spouse....what are you protecting within your M? Stop protecting yourself...it is time to find the courage to stop the abuse cycle you started.
Peace to us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:18 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]