SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

rbf1234 posted 12/11/2013 11:40 AM

Has anyone kept their family intact, despite deciding that As (or in my case, year of false R) was a deal-breaker? In other words, if divorce isn't an option, what are the possibilities?

For many reasons (mostly children - special needs etc.) I just can't face divorce or even kicking him out right now.

But I feel the year of false R was a dealbreaker.

I have told him that eventually we will need to divorce. But for now he can stay as a friend, housemate, and coparent. He is a great father. We get along well. He treats me with kid gloves and is grateful to still be here. Probably trying to hoover me. Clearly holding out hope that I will change my mind.

So my questions are:

Has anyone faked it for the kids for any length of time?
For how long?
How did you manage your own need/the spouse's need for romantic/sexual connection if you didn't have it with each other?
Did you WS accept it nicely at the beginning and then become abusive later? (My fear.)
Has anyone found they detached enough to develop a companionate (in name only) marriage that allowed each person to develop their own relationships.
How can that possibly work?

Thanks.

fourever posted 12/11/2013 11:59 AM

No, I didn't, but surprisingly, a friend did. When the last one graduated, and we all found out they divorced. Her kids said to her,
"for God's sake Mom, what took you so long!". Don't kid yourself into thinking you are doing the kids a favor, or keeping your family "intact". Kids know what is healthy and unhealthy. What they learn is how to have an unhealthy marriage, not an honest loving one. And the cycle continues...

Sorry to be "debbie downer", but I assume you want some honest answers. Yes, divorce is an option for a loveless, or hurtful marriage. There is always an option.
Edited:
Sometimes the healthiest families are divorced families.

[This message edited by fourever at 12:02 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

rbf1234 posted 12/11/2013 12:27 PM

Thanks for your reply.

There is a very helpful thread on the forum today that is closely related. It is:

Topic: R'ing and Staying Married are not the same things
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=515552&HL=39197

Among other topics, that thread focuses on the question: "If you are *staying for the children*, do you really believe it is better for them?"

I agree this is an important question, but not one that I can handle right now. I am just trying to understand what my options are before I decided which is best.

So maybe to rephrase, my question is this: If you stay together but don't reconcile (e.g. no sexual relationship) how can that actually work in practice?

Thank you!