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blakesteele posted 12/11/2013 11:49 AM

This past weekend my wife went shopping with her sister. Long story, but her sister gave her some very poor advice when they discussed my wifes A and what my wife should do regarding it...advice that was similar to that given to my wife 2 years into our M when we could have had a chance to grow before adultery was formally a part of our marital history. This recent advice by her sister was given BEFORE I knew there even was an A, but while I was in counseling for anxiety issues.

Back to this weekend....

I texted my wife.....she responded. I did this several times that day...and she texted me several times that day. Her sister joked with her something like "Oh, another text....better check it!". Both women are strongly independent and share FOO issues.

My wifes response to her was something like "Yes, this is how we operate now.".

I know I don't have the exact words right....but I was in shock my wife could be so bold with her sister that I almost cant remember the conversation. Shocked in a GOOD way!

This is NOT a small effort on my wifes part. It is a short exchange, to be sure, but it is not a small change within my wife.

It is an action that shows she is intentionally choosing her M.

She has also started reading some books that are core to her FOO issues....and her sister has asked to get them from her when she is done.

16 months out....still tough....but I am, we are improving.

We have had some heated discussions lately...but even at the end of those I feel strangely.....more complete, more connected to our M...even if resolutions are not part of those conversations. Odd.......

LA44 and Mr. LA44....better pick up the pace...we are catching you guys!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:50 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

HoneyMe posted 12/11/2013 11:54 AM

Thanks for the positive story. Little steps often tell a lot about the direction things are going. They are often show the first instinct, I think. That is good! High fives to both of you.

I am seeing lots of these moments too.

heforgotme posted 12/11/2013 12:23 PM

I totally see what you mean! That one sentence spoke volumes.

Yay, yay, yay!

cantaccept posted 12/11/2013 12:56 PM


So happy that things continue to improve for you and your wife.

I think it's a really good sign that she put you as her priority in spite of the pressure that she must have felt from her sister.

I hope that things keep moving in a forward directions for you both.


catlover50 posted 12/11/2013 20:35 PM

I'm so glad to hear this!

Good for you both!!

mchercheur posted 12/11/2013 20:43 PM

Happy for you Blakesteele

Skan posted 12/11/2013 22:19 PM

What a great text!

bionicgal posted 12/11/2013 22:22 PM

Love to hear those FOO issues getting the Ka-pow! Way to go Mrs. Blakesteele!

ItsaClimb posted 12/11/2013 23:02 PM

That's brilliant! So happy for you

UKlady posted 12/12/2013 01:39 AM

We have had some heated discussions lately...but even at the end of those I feel strangely.....more complete, more connected to our M...even if resolutions are not part of those conversations. Odd.......

I want to get here... seems recently my WH and I have more 'heated discussions' but I'm not sure I end up feeling more complete or connected. Just now I'm feeling more irritable - I dunno could be time of the month!!

Glad for you blakesteele

blakesteele posted 12/12/2013 06:07 AM

Thanks for the support, gang!

UKlady....I was irritable last night. Not all of our interactions leave me feeling complete and solid....but it is happening more regularly and wanted to recognize this.

Love to hear those FOO issues getting the Ka-pow! Way to go Mrs. Blakesteele!

Thanks Bionicgal!!! I am still smiling when I think about your list of ammunition that you used when you raged towards your husband.

With regards to FOO issues and the Ka-pow!....

As I continue on this journey...another positive thing that has come from this is that both my Mom and my older brother have stopped just for a moment and looked inward....kind of like Mrs. Blakesteeles sister did by asking for the books.....and took a peak at their motivations.

My Mom, for the first time in 30 years, has started to look at her role in her D. Since there D both my Mom and my Dad blamed the other for their failed marriage.

My brother, for the first time in 4 years, has admitted to the pain and hurt and fear he has after his M ended in D. He has always said he would not remarry because he is too selfish....likes his own schedule. This is true, but he has since added....he doesn't want to get hurt again, afraid of a woman leaving him again (abandonment). Kicker with his marriage.....I don't think either of them were hell bent on D....they simply stopped trying. Almost as if it just....faded. No adultery, no drugs or alcohol, no abuse....I think their respective FOO issues kept them in fear, kept them from working on things that they wanted to but simply didn't know how.

I want to encourage them to really keep on working on that seed...nurture it...grow it. But I am a new-to-this-type-of-agriculture farmer too...hardly in a position to help them with their fields when mine are not yet tended too!

I gotta watch myself....I do this at work too. I want to jump in and DO! At one point I thought I was ego driven, or just was blessed with a strong work ethic...but am beginning to realize my over-achieving attitude is most likely born from my own FOO fears. Thinking that if I can be MORE valuable I can create MORE of a cushion between myself and being abandoned, fired, dumped, rejected. Never thought insecurities where at can a man that enjoys speaking to 200 professionals at a conference and oversee a multi-million dollar budget be insecure? I see now. My wifes choices brought my hidden insecurities...hidden immaturities to the surface....and it hurt like hell!!!!!!

I see how this is unhealthy now.

There is an element of this attitude that is healthy to a relationship....the serving through submission idea is a healthy way to operate. And I possess some of that in addition to my FOO fears and insecurities.....none of this is black and white, even though I try to make it so at times.

I just need to look closely at the actual motivation behind my actions.

Kind of a departure from this original post...but also tied to the ripple affect one person can have on many.

While adultery NEGATIVELY affect all it ripples and touches....recovery from adultery can POSITIVELY affect all it ripples and touches. This positive rippling affect can actually touch more people then the negative affect.

It does this because I see how I am changing how I interact with all of my relationships....not just those that know about our have been affected by my wifes choice to commit adultery.

EXAMPLE: In staff meetings now I sit on my hands more often....I don't volunteer to be lead on as many new projects as I have in the past. It reduces my work load, reducing the energy needed at work and leaving more energy where it belongs...with my wife and family. The positive affect HERE is that other staff members have a chance to step up. And I notice a balance developing in my relationship with other managers who have most likely viewed my previous aggressive nature as a threat to them. It is healthy for all involved...and it started with a change in just one person.

To be sure, I still volunteer for additional projects. I still value a strong work ethic. I very much like to work. Just trying to find a balance.

I also still have fear....its just I am learning to choose not to have fear as a motivation in my life. Notice I said LEARNING.

I pray for courage mostly....that is what is becoming key to me. I find when I use courage many times my hope increases.

Hope and Fear have an inverse relationship. I am committed to nurturing hope....

Hope for us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:13 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

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