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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: WH has female friends at work-need advice
daphne345
♀ 41623
Member # 41623
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. I'm new here. I've read posts before but never posted anything. I am struggling with setting boundaries with my WH. Over 2 years ago, I discovered emails from OW. He had been seeing her for 10 months. She was married when the affair started but divorced two months later. Her ex-husband was one of my husband's closest friends. They had sex both in my bed and her bed while she still shared it with her husband. They were co-workers. We moved across the country three months before Dday. I flew with my kids, he drove our car. I found out later she rode with him. They kept in frequent contact online, using video, email, chat. I took my kids to visit my mother for a weekend and she flew to my house and stayed with him for the weekend. It's likely she had flown to see him who knows how often. I found the emails the next day.
It's been 2 years. He claims total NC and total commitment to me and our kids. He was very remorseful. I am now faced with him wanting to do a group activity with 6 co-workers. 2 are female. He actually has been doing this over his lunchtime for a few months now. He did not tell me that there were women in the group. I asked him who was in the group a few days ago and he told me that one of the 6 people was female. Later I asked him again and he told me actually two women are involved. He says he is terribly lonely since the move. He has been trying to socialize with his co-workers all this time and felt rejected. Finally some co-workers invited him to play this game at lunchtime. He says it is too hard to do things with the male friends he has at the office. He says they live too far away. He tells me he did not tell me because he thought it would upset me and also he thought I would tell him he cannot be part of the social lunch game.
At first all I could think of was that he was still operating under the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her and she'll never find out" mode. He says he is sorry but because he told me when I asked it wasn't lying. He wants to keep on socializing with this group. I am saying no after a lot of thought. The OW was part of just such a group at his last job. Not only does it make me uncomfortable but it sets up a situation that is putting him at risk of repeating his old behaviors. I need advice. Am I asking too much?


BS 43
WH 35
2 kids- 4 and 7
Dday 9/4/11
Struggling with R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
daphne345
♀ 41623
Member # 41623
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy I didn't know how long my post was! Sorry. :/


BS 43
WH 35
2 kids- 4 and 7
Dday 9/4/11
Struggling with R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fully agree with you.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
struggling3
♀ 34671
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I have had the friends at work conversation many times. I am constantly reminding him that women co-workers are just that..not friends. IMO this is just part of the fallout from their behavior. I would have never thought this way before. What kind of games are they playing and is it at lunch or after work? I would also be uncomfortable just as you are. I also think the WS #1 job at this point is to make sure we are not uncomfortable. Try harder to find some male friends.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Dallas2
♀ 28362
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't need advice. You know that this is a boundry you need to set. In the book Not Just Friends it addresses this subject. Do not let your H bully you into giving into something that you can not live with or accept.

This was the first boundry I set no outside female friends of any type or in any form. No online stuff either. It makes my life so much more peaceful. It forced him to make friends with his male co-workers and the only female friend he has is me!

Stick to your guns.


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Morhurt
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya, no. If it makes you feel at all uncomfortable, no.

Perhaps if he's lonely at lunch he could spend the time writing you a letter about how awesome you are, or posting on SI or talking to some men. But honestly, what he's asking for is too much.

I also believe that omissions count as lies. I would be livid that he had been partaking in this group game (what kind of game??) without disclosing fully what it was and who was involved.

Hugs.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 961 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Morhurt
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya, no. If it makes you feel at all uncomfortable, no.

Perhaps if he's lonely at lunch he could spend the time writing you a letter about how awesome you are, or posting on SI or talking to some men. But honestly, what he's asking for is too much.

I also believe that omissions count as lies. I would be livid that he had been partaking in this group game (what kind of game??) without disclosing fully what it was and who was involved.

Hugs.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 961 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ 13333
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you join the activity? I wouldn't like my H spending time with any other woman that he hasn't at least introduced me to.

We are 7 years out. About a year ago I found some emails between H & a female coworker.Then I noticed he had searched her out and friended her on FB. He had 2 A's with coworkers. I found the emails flirty and inappropriate based on this history. He didn't agree, blah blah blah. A few days later he admitted "You're right, I still have shitty boundaries."

Behaviors that might have been acceptable before the A are seen in a new light after the A and may not be tolerated. I would think this is such a behavior.


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6770 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi daphne345,

Anything that makes one spouse uncomfortable should be seriously re-evaluated by the other spouse. This makes you uncomfortable, you both discussed it with him having his say, you were not swayed, so he can either hurt you or help you. There is no right or wrong. It is a sign of his continued need to work on himself that:

...he did not tell me because he thought it would upset me and also he thought I would tell him he cannot be part of the social lunch game.

Secrets are never OK, this is the slippery slope of an A. He knew it was wrong and chose what he wanted over what he presumed you would want.

I am not clear what game is being played at lunch, but best option at lunch for a career is to reach out to others in the department, organization, clients and suppliers for lunches. Build links and get new perspectives.

Fact is he wanted to be with other people he suspected you would disapprove of, so he hid it. A lie of omission is still a lie. You are not asking too much. Two years out from an A maybe he needs couples friends more than he needs male friends.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4161 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
FeelingSoMuch
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as this lunchtime game is innocent, there are ways to do this that alleviate your discomfort.

H could introduce you to co-workers, make sure everyone knows everyone ahead of time so that you know who he's spending time with and they get to know you. My two cents.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
heartache101
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WoW what a selfish lying turd! He knew he knew.
Sorry he still has a cheater mindset not a remorseful husband mindset. Just freakin WoW!

Dont fall for this. He needscounseling he needs to quit lying!
Liars lie to hide something. I bet there is no group lunch. Just the two jmo.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3199 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Social lunchtime thing + opposite sex = absolutely not. Who cares if you know these women. That doesn't stop affairs.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5775 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
daphne345
♀ 41623
Member # 41623
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much Morhurt for your response. I was crazy pissed when I found out. It is such a huge setback. I mean it's been two years. Wondering what else he didn't tell me. Ugh.

Thanks for all the responses. It feels so good to talk with people who really do know where I'm coming from.

Atsenaotie-thank u for everything u said. I feel like just showing your post to my husband. It about sums it up.

All your responses make me feel stronger when I have the talk with him I need to have. No female friends, at work or in any other context. The lying, and it IS lying, has got to stop. Rebuilding trust is almost impossible and now...sigh.

Thanks again, glad I finally posted. :)


BS 43
WH 35
2 kids- 4 and 7
Dday 9/4/11
Struggling with R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
Razor
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he is sorry but because he told me when I asked it wasn't lying.

No.

Lets be clear. He KNEW you would have an objection to this and that is exactly why he did not tell you. This is called a lie of omission.

He was lying.

If he thought you would have no problem with this he would have been completely up front with who he was seeing at lunch. But he hid it.

Be firm about your boundaries. Hold your ground and dont give a inch. And dont let him sweet talk you into believing this was just a innocent mistake.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
cl131716
♀ 40699
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of game?

I'm with you. I also think it is bullshit it's too hard making friends with men at work. It sounds like he is trying to make you pity him and turn a blind eye when he "befriends" a female co-worker. My WH used a similar tactic.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
myeverafter
41012
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not asking too much. In the past, he had already went past the boundary. I "think" my fwh knows the boundaries now.... But I would not be at all comfortable with him spending his time with his coworkers like that.

OW was one of fWH's friends at his work and then both families became "friends" (Being "friends" is debatable)

I am a female that currently works with 5 males in our office. 3 older and 2 younger. We are all "friends", but not "friends". We don't hang out over our lunches, etc. If I was in our other office, I would probably go out to lunches, etc.

For the longest time in our company of 26, we only had 2 females. I do consider a couple of the guys my personal friends and not just coworkers. (One I went to college with and I have known him and his wife for 15 years.)

I guess the key is that I know what boundaries are. And I tell and have always told fWH's everything. fWH says the EA started when him and MOW went for walks together on their days off. To be honest (and this scares me) that I would have been fine with the walks (for a while) if he would have been upfront with me and told me.

Now, fWH normally goes for walks during his lunch breaks by himself and calls me.


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know what most people do during lunch? They eat. Some people even work through lunch. Then, they go back to work.

Is your husband 12? He shouldn't be playing games at lunch. I find that bizarre! Sorry for the snark. Plus, a lie by omission is still a lie. My husband only told me about 4 outright lies during his affair, but there were a thousand lies of omission, and believe me, those hurt as much or more.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
stupidgurl
♀ 36763
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, December 12th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, NO, NOOO!!

Do not allow him to participate in the lunchtime game, ESPECIALLY if it is how he started the last A. Lunch with other chicks was wrong before he cheated on you and it is even more wrong now. He has already crossed the boundaries, and therefore has no right to do any activity with other women.

As for the lying by omission, that is not ok, you should have a conversation with him telling him not to lie by omission anymore. He needs to be honest with you whether you ask him or not. You cannot sit there and explain or even conjure up all possible scenarios. Does he think you are psychic? Stand your ground and don't give him even an inch.

In my experience it works to be just as straight forward as possible, if you don't want him having lunch with any women say "no activities with any women in any circumstance", he will find a loop hole and you may find out he is having coffee, snacks, water, whatever or playing a different game or doing a different activity with them. Make sure you tell him not to violate the spirit of your request, not just the literal interpretation of your request.

And don't bother explaining your feelings, when my H had his porn addiction, for years I told him "it makes me feel..." then one day I shot up in bed and said "I need you to stop looking at porn" he has been porn free ever since. Look him in the eyes when you tell him to show you are serious, no tears, strait and serious looking to show that you mean it. But don't be mean either, or belittle him just say that and be quiet. It is often silence that says more than words.


me WW/BW-31
him BH/WH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

Tog. 14 yrs, Marr. 13 and counting!

R'd


Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2012
beenthere2?
♀ 28554
Member # 28554
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had your WH come to you at the beginning and asked what you thought of him playing this game at lunch, then my answer MIGHT be different. But he lied to you. He hid stuff from you. He know that wasn't okay.

So it remains not okay. He should know that and you shouldn't have to tell him no.

He remains a wayward in spirit.


Me: BW 34 Him: WH 36
Married 10
Dday #1 5/15/10 claimed EA/just friends
#2 9/20/10 (admitted to kiss w/ same OW
#3 11/29/10 admitted to a lot more

Posts: 3981 | Registered: May 2010
daphne345
♀ 41623
Member # 41623
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, December 13th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Several of you have asked what kind of games he was playing at lunch. Role playing games, which have caused many arguments between us in the past. When we first started dating, he spent every Saturday from noonish until way after midnight playing these games with a group of friends, male and female. I tried joining them but just wasnt into it. I thought it was rotten of him to never spend a Saturday with me and then to sleep until afternoon every Sunday. I just now remembered that the one time we split up since we got together 14 years ago was when he broke up with me and briefly dated a girl from that gaming group. Sigh. During his affair, he frequently lied and said he was gaming with his friends when he was really going to OW's apartment.
Since he first got a job and we moved away from where his gaming friends lived and had children, he has been frustrated that he has not found another gaming group to join and wouldn't have been able to anyway because the responsibilities of being a father just don't leave time for that. So his argument is that he didn't want to ruin that and managed the problem himself by not chatting with the girls other than during the games. So here is my red flag- he has for years insisted that role playing games absolutely cannot be played without time blocks of many many hours...yet this "group" is only playing for an hour and a half once a week during their lunch break. Second red flag...I called him on a Tuesday to tell him I really needed him to go by our house over lunch for something. He said no because the gaming group had just started gaming and they couldn't play if he left. He said he could go in a few hours. Told me they were playing on a Tuesday instead of a Wednesday because people were going to be gone for the holidays taking PTO starting the next day. Way early for that i thin. I'm suspicious. I can't help it. Anyone got an objective opinion?


BS 43
WH 35
2 kids- 4 and 7
Dday 9/4/11
Struggling with R

Posts: 7 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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