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izzybear7 posted 12/11/2013 13:34 PM

never thought i would need help from this site but i do. read my profile and let me know what you think. i am at a loss. trying each day to forgive and move on but its a lot harder than i thought it would be and i find days where i question if i am doing the right thing for my baby girl...does it ever get better or easier, and do you ever get back to the way things were before the affair

BrokenMomof2 posted 12/11/2013 15:34 PM

How has your WH been acting since you let him back in your life? Have you two been in any counseling?

I understand the part of falling in love again, I did that a few weeks after I found out. Its weird. It made me realize that I do love him and so I will give him a second chance, now he has to prove himself worthy of me. I will not take back the man he was, he has to become a better man.

I have 2 kids and they were the first reason I thought I needed to stay. But as much as I don't want to break up my family I am not willing to be miserable the rest of my life. I am about 6 weeks out and I have my good days and bad. Luckily more good, but it is still SO hard. I feel numb a lot.

Have you read the 180 yet? I read it several times before I started to act on it and it has been good. Hard, but good. It has helped me start to rediscover who I am.

I think that this is one of the worst things to have happen in life, And the odds are against us. BUT for those that make it thru, life is better then it was before the affair. I think its not the same love as before, but a better one when people truly reconcile.

atsenaotie posted 12/11/2013 15:42 PM

Hi izzybear7,

I do not think anyone gets back to the way things were before the A, and I do not think you want to. In my case, before the A was with a resentful W who felt entilted to people making her happy, and me a blinded H taking the blame for all that was wrong in the M. Thankfully, those people are gone now, along with their old M.

Do you think he asked to come back, and you accepted him back, because you both really see a future together and love each other, or because returning to the status quo was easier?

so we are currently working on things,

What things are you working on? What is he working on? Specifically, what is he working on to address his internal issues that found him turning to OW for affirmation/sex/comfort during your pregnancy with his child? Is he doing any IC? Has he read Not Just Friends by Glass and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how these books do or do not apply to his A and your M? How has he changed from the person who betrayed you? Has he been open and honest with you about any details or questions you have about his A? Is he transparent now about texting, where he is, what he does? Does he make an effort to help with family and house work, and to spend time with you in fun activities? Does he know and speak/act your Love Language? Has he developed better personal boundaries and demonstrated them? Does he communicate honestly, including when he is unhappy so thta resentment does not build? Does he appreciate when you speak honestly to him?

The more things like above he does and sustains doing, the better your relationship with him can get. The more he does things like the ones above, the easier it will be for you to heal and get to acceptance of his betrayl. I would focus on experiencing your emotions, even attending some IC for you, and not focus on forgiveness and moving on at this point.

Once he has identified and is fixing his issues, and you have progressed in healing, then starts hard part #2, working together on the M.

Do the right things for you, and I bet that you will also be doing the right things for your baby girl.

mepe27 posted 12/12/2013 08:17 AM

It does get better but it is probably going to be the hardest work either of you has done and no you don't get back to how it was before, but if you both do the work you get something better.

I think it's important for a WS to figure out why they made the choices they did and figure out how to handle those situations later. If it turns out your H was nervous/stressed about being a parent and the A was his way of sort of hiding from it, there will be issues in the future that will make him nervous/stressed, what is his plan to deal with that in the future? That is important for him to sort out. For me, the healing was a one step at a time sort of thing. I needed to figure out how to feel safe with my H again, I didn't trust him and I needed to figure out how he could help rebuild the trust and I needed to be willing to accept his efforts. I needed a good IC to face all my anger and resentment, b/c that doesn't just vanish, it has to be worked thru.
I had to learn how to communicate better and so did my H, we never found a good MC but I read a ton of books and tried different things. I think a good MC could make that much smoother, but everyone one we tried made things worse.

You'll have to grieve all the losses, you lost a lot of your beliefs, that old marriage, etc and it takes time to come to terms with what that means and figuring out what this new marriage will be and what your beliefs are now.

I guess I just want you to know it can totally get better, your marriage can be a much better marriage, you will get to a place where you don't think about the A for months and when you do it doesn't tear out your heart but it was really hard work for both of us, it doesn't just happen and time alone doesn't heal shit :) Try to stay in the moment and address the issues as they come up.
It's been 6 years since d-day and it's 1000 times better than we were even before d-day. We talk more, we're more honest and more willing to listen and work out whatever problem we have.

izzybear7 posted 12/12/2013 13:02 PM

thank you all for your replies. i appreciate all the advice. at times i think he is working on things but he has more of a "sweep it under the rug" and lets not talk about it much. he is more open and loving. and does spend more time as a family man. i know he is sorry, its just hard to view him as the man he was before the A

atsenaotie posted 12/12/2013 16:58 PM

Hi izzyb

how does the statement

...lets not talk about it much.

and the statement
...he is more open

Both apply to your WS?

at times i think he is working on things

Can you talk with him about this? What is he trying to change? How?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 4:58 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

FeelingSoMuch posted 12/12/2013 17:37 PM

It does get better and you can get to a place where you feel happy again.

At nearly 10 months I'm already feeling glimpses of that.

Please seek IC and MC. My personal experience is that without professional guidance R is slower and more difficult.

Stay strong.

izzybear7 posted 12/13/2013 08:30 AM

he doesnt like to talk about the a much. but he is open about his feeling which he never eas before, he communicates so much more than he ever did. i am in c but he doesnt feel we need to go

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