So it is 14 months since D-day. fWH is doing all he can to R. Well, mostly everything.
No IC or reading about A. But, at this point why bother? It has been 14mnths. I see this as his half ass attempt at R. He acts the part and tells the part of a remorseful loving husband who is changed. I am the one that has put in all the "work" to heal, understand, and go through this to stay with him. Yeah, for the first several months he too was the "rug sweeper" we all know. Well, somehow without IC he has managed (with a lot of intense interrogations and questioning from me) to understand why he did it.
I could only hope that WS without no IC do heal themselves and don't commit to A's again.(he did go to one session)
So...I love him...I am committed to pushing through this Hell...I think I may be falling in love again, but something always gets in the way. I freak out. I get depressed. I trigger. I want out.
Is this normal? Is this just my fear? My problem with believing and trusting him? That he loves me...that he really loves me and wants to be with me?
In addition,...I must say I am having a problem with feeling disgusted by him. Disgusted that he actually thought at the time of the A that the AP was a good person, "that he held her in high regards and thought the world of her". I am so disgusted that he would be attracted to such a easy piece of shit (she is still cheating on her boyfriend with others, she abandons her daughter to go drinking at all hours, had an A with a M man). He liked that she was carefree...most are when then step on other people to get there. How can he be fooled by that? How can he be attracted to a immature bitch like that? On D-day he had a list a mile long about all the things he liked about her(which he now says isn't true and was just part of the drug fog). All he could say was that I was a "good and strong and amazing woman". How does an easy whore outweigh what I am? I am so disgusted with him that he would want and be attracted to that. To someone with such low moral values and class. To ever think the world of such filth.
In my eyes that makes him less than a man. It gets in the way of me really connecting with him. Trusting him, believing that he wants what he has and will not go after another cheap, disgusting, immature, easy leech like his ex-AP.
God I am so angry today. So sorry for it being so long. So sorry for breaking any hope for others in R in feeling this way after 14 to nearly 15months.
So sick of feeling period.
