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For those of you who were young when you started dating ws

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Daisy312 posted 12/11/2013 16:16 PM

Do you ever worry that you are working toward R because its all you know? I met FWH when I was 16. Although I messed around with other guys, he was my only serious bf. We never broke up and during year 15 he had his Pa. I feel like we can be great an when I'm in a good place I have hope but I keep thinking. I don't even know what else is out there. I think our sex is great(when I can turn off the mind movies) but again I have nothing to compare it to. Sometimes I think I'm slightly jealous of the fact that he got to have that newness, a taste of something different, etc... He got the chance to see that the grass isn't greener on the other side. I have to just assume. Also, please do not take this as a revenge on him. It really isn't. Its more about knowing I'm making the right decision.

betrayed13yrs posted 12/11/2013 16:28 PM

My WH and I have been together since we were 15/16, so almost 14 years now. I totally know what you mean. I have no plans on reconciliation though. I left him two years ago when I finally confronted his cheating, but I took him back. We went to counseling and all the stuff you're supposed to do, I even had our second child (which he pressured me into). But needless to say, that didn't work out. He got even worse and has never admitted to anything.

Sorry for ranting........ in terms of what you're talking about of working toward R because it's all I knew, absolutely! I was so worried that no one else would ever want me, especially with two youngsters. We just split for good three months ago. I am scared as hell but i KNOW it's the right thing to do. Until the holidays come I'm batting my eyes and pretending there's a chance at R, because if I don't he becomes a MONSTER! I have to believe that there is something and someone better out there for me; because nobody deserves all of the mental abuse and pain that he has put me through. He has a baby due by his OW in 16 days for God's sake (which, YES, he denies). Anyway, I absolutely know how you're feeling. Whether you reconcile or not, know that we have a lot in common and I'll totally talk if you'd like. If it weren't for this site and the friend I have that directed me here, I'd probably still be in that Fucked up relationship and lying to everyone, pretending I don't know every single time he goes to other women's homes or on dates. It makes me sick to think of all that I've known and played oblivious to.

Daisy312 posted 12/11/2013 16:36 PM

What's difficult for me is I'm pretty sure that he only had one A, he seems extremely remorseful, and is doing everything he can to fix us and himself. He was very selfish in the past and I chose not to see it. He is so thoughtful, helpful, loving, an involved now. It's been 18 months and he is still working very hard. I think if he was abusive, or not working on himself I would be trying to R but he is. I love him I do, I just miss the love I thought we had.

Dance4Me posted 12/11/2013 16:46 PM

Hi Daisy - yes, I was 14 and he was 15 when we started "going out"...back in the 80s! We did have a few short break ups during college (my doing - glad we did that), so we are not really "onlies" but we were pretty darn close to that - I can hardly remember my one very short and insignificant encounter I had!

Anyway - we are both in our forties and have been together about 31 years total (23 married now.). On dday we had been married almost 19 years - so I understand your feelings about being jealous that he got to experience someone new. And he did admit that it was new and exciting being with someone else - but that the sex with me has always been better because we both know what each other likes in bed.. He had sex twice with his OW/PA so he really didn't get to know her at all actually!

We are both pretty attractive people for our age - and I know deep down I could attract another guy too, if I wanted. For the sake of our children and the long life and marriage that we have together, I choose to R with my extremely remorseful FWH - but I also feel like I missed out somehow too - like you! At four years out, I don't feel as strongly about this as I once had - I hope that gives you some comfort.

In the end, you have to live in your own if you want to experience someone new because of your Hs betrayal, you should divorce your spouse, get healthy and move on to a new relationship. That's how I see it....good luck!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 4:48 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

struggling16 posted 12/11/2013 16:58 PM

I was just talking about this moments ago with my WH. I was 26 and a virgin when we met. He was divorced with three children.

I just said to him that I felt cheated that he was the only person with whom I've been intimate and he had multiple sex partners before we met. I had come to terms with that; I have difficulty coming to terms with the fact that he "dated" an outsider after 27 years of M.

I am certain that I'm not R for that reason. He's walking the R walk right now.

FeelingSoMuch posted 12/11/2013 16:59 PM

We met at a young age and I have very little family around me.

Like you, I sometimes wonder if I'm attempting R because she's what I know and because she's the only family that I have close to me. Everyone else lives in another country.

It's been nine months since D-Day and with time I'm feeling more independent from WW and now believe that I'm choosing to attempt R because my WW is worth it.

It hasn't been smooth and it's still very painful that they continue to work together, so I think I'm more guarded than if she had changed jobs. That's slowing us down, but at least I can now say that I'm making a choice and not just accepting my situation.

On the other hand, yes, all sorts of feelings of jealousy that she had the opportunity to experience new "things" and I'm stuck with a lot of pain as a consequence. I haven't worked through that one yet.

Daisy312 posted 12/11/2013 18:53 PM

Thanks everyone! It's nice to know I'm not alone in this. Feelingsomuch, my FWH and his ap work together still too. They have always been on opposite shifts but the same job title so there are a lot of group emails where she is included. I think I'm also struggling because she will be on the same shift as him for 6 months starting in January. I'm sure I just need time but it's really bothering me today :(

Angel177 posted 12/11/2013 19:12 PM

I have been with wh since I was 16 and he was 17. We are onlies and IMO that adds another layer to the shit pile (same with a double betrayal...that's just another layer on the shit pile...know what I mean?)

Wh actually used this as a "reason" for the affair...he was curious and she offered to let him try it with her...then he had to keep doing it for fear she would rat him out...Whatever...bunch of shit.

[This message edited by Angel177 at 8:40 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

industriousbee posted 12/11/2013 20:37 PM

My husband and I have been together since I was 17. I was a promiscuous teen and he had only been with 2 other women. He even told the OW he wanted to try something different. We got to their right after my mom died. It sure dies add another's yet to trying to figure out what to do.

Flatlined123 posted 12/12/2013 05:09 AM

We met when I was 17 and H was 19. We were onlies. Each of us had fooled around with others, but nothing serious.

I found out he had been cheating for about 8 months two months before our 19th anniversary.

I do think that staying together because it's all I know was a huge factor. That, plus on dday I was so scared to be alone.

reallysad2012 posted 12/12/2013 09:36 AM

We were 18 when we met and I never looked back but he did. He couldn't get over the fact that I was his only but he wasn't mine. I had a very brief sexual relationship just prior to meeting fWH. It was the reason for his A. (don't go bashing him on this...he knows it was selfish and stupid and is still apologizing daily)

On my dark days, I wonder if I am staying only because we have so much history (together >20 years, M 19 years) and if our best years were those first few years. Then I think about how I know I would be fine without him, so I am not staying because I need to stay. I am choosing to stay.

Why do I choose to stay? Because he is 100% remorseful and 14 months out is still doing what he needs to do for R. Because I can see a happy future for us. Because leaving doesn't erase the A and the pain it caused.

Alex CR posted 12/12/2013 16:54 PM

H and I have been together almost 40 years and yes, our years together definitely were a major factor in deciding to try and reconcile.

The majority of those years were good and it wasn't until we hit our late 40's that life became strained. In hindsight, we made mistakes putting our marriage last during those years. H's cheating was something he did out of the country figuring he would never get caught nor would it affect our life at home....he didn't see how it affected his attitude and changed the way he treated me and his family while he cheated.

So when Dday happened after over 30 years together, those years factored heavily into my decision. And H was remorseful and has certainly stepped up to be the man he needs to be to stay in this marriage with me. Four years out and I'm glad I stayed.

looking forward posted 12/12/2013 19:26 PM

I am 62 and H is 66.
Backtrack to 1967....
Met H when I was 16; he was 20.
We were both virgins.
Add in teenage pregnancy; terminated by my parents' decision.
Stayed together.
Married in 1972.
Had two sons.
A discovered in 1987.
Rugswept. H stayed for the boys.
I lied about the A.
Truth came out in 2009.
Stayed together.

Why are we together?
As some have stated: the length of our relationship has a great deal to do with R.
I am going to include two poems my H wrote to me; they really are self-explanatory.

To My Darling fWW

We are two trees
Whose branches reach out
And embrace each other,
And whose roots are
Deeply intertwined from
So many years together.
To cut down one tree
Would destroy the other.
Holding On Tighter
With Love Always,

This is a poem H wrote for my 60th birthday:


I find myself now in the 'autumn' of my years.
Never would have guessed
it would be filled with so many tears.
The seasons of my life
Have passed so quickly by
My memories have blown away
Like leaves blown through the sky.
The ones I loved and counted on
Had changed their colours too
The garden that I lived in..
Was changed from green to blue.
My autumn's here, my days grow short.
Winter's not far away..
The life that I have left to live
Might be but just a day.
So as I watch the leaves turn red..
To orange and yellow too..
I ponder my life's journey
In my Autumn spent with you.
And when my winter's end arrives
And death's cold grip takes hold
I'll think of you and me and us
Our love story has been told.

sisoon posted 12/13/2013 07:09 AM

I was 21, she was 20 when we met. Our wedding was 2 years later. W was 65 when she cheated.

Yeah, the years together made a tremendous difference, because the best parts of those years, for both of us, I think, was being together.

olwen posted 12/13/2013 07:32 AM

I was 17 when I met h. Only had two other partners before him.

He was 22 and had half a dozen partners under his belt. I used to get so jealous, now I wish it had only been them.

Ironically, or heartbreakingly which is how I feel today, H worried when we got together that I was too young, that I hadn't 'been around' enough and would always feel I had missed out.

I guess he was projecting cos it was him who always wondered if he was attractive to other women and if he could get them.

I wouldn't still be here if we hadn't had 16 great years and a child together before he started to 'get the itch' if he itches again he won't see me for dust though.

betrayed13yrs posted 12/13/2013 11:30 AM

I think that if he is truly remorseful and you love each other, then you should absolutely give it another chance. I tried with mine and it didn't work, but that's because he is a habitual liar and never really changed. I wish it had worked, I loved him more than anything and I wish more than anything that we could have worked, if for nothing else, then for our two small children. I truly hope the two of you work it out and end up stronger than ever. I do believe that they can change, although only a small percentage:) GOOD LUCK Daisy312, you'll be in my thoughts.

scangel3 posted 12/13/2013 19:45 PM

Daisy, that's exactly how I've been feeling. I didn't meet my wh until right after I graduated high school so 18, not as young as you but still young. He was my first and only real relationship, and same for him. I just realizing today how jealous I am that he got to see what else is out there, what someone else feels like in all ways, emotionally and physically. It's a tough place to be in

tushnurse posted 12/13/2013 20:49 PM

15 & 17 when we started dating and ya our firsts and onlies, and soul mates and waited to have sex for a year and a half because I wanted to know that he was gonna be it. My one an only.

Overall we had a great relationship fun happycommumicated well. Enjoyed the same hobbies still had our own things.... So yah I wouldn't have guessed it would be us to go through this but throw in some depression with a side of financial issues topped off with a mid life crisis and there we were.

I wanted to R even before DDay. He was trying to end it before DDay too. So we stumbled and we bumbled but we Rd. why? Because at the end of the day we loved each other and we felt we were meant to be together. Now had he not gotten his head removed from his rear there would have been a different outcome.

My recommendation is to demand the respect you deserve and accept nothing less. You will win and be happy. Hopefully he will too.

HardenMyHeart posted 12/13/2013 22:27 PM

My wife was 18 and I was 20 when we started living together 36 years ago.

Do you ever worry that you are working toward R because its all you know?

This is a good question. I would say no. The primary reasons I wanted R:
1) I came from a series of broken homes and wanted an intact family for my children
2) I felt I had an obligation to honor my wedding vows, or at the least make an honest attempt to honor them.

We are now 6+ years into R and happily reconciled. I have no regrets about my choice to R.

Sometimes I think I'm slightly jealous of the fact that he got to have that newness, a taste of something different, etc...

I feel that way at times. Sometimes it bugs me to realize that my wife has had more sex than me since our relationship began. Since I can't imagine ever cheating on her, I know it will always be this way. Hopefully she won't run up the score any more.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:30 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

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