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Alyssamd24 posted 12/12/2013 05:08 AM

Notice how I wrote mothers father rather than 'my grandfather'.
I can't write grandfather cuz even though biologically he is, I have never met the man and don't know anything about him...I feel the same sadness I would if I heard of another old man who was dying....maybe a little sad for my mother but that's it....

I am though, hoping to go see him in the hospital. I would like to see him at least once.....the only thing is I dont know how to bring this up to my mom.

Any suggestions?

solus sto posted 12/12/2013 07:50 AM

This made me a little sad, because I had a wonderful grandfather, and my kids ...well, do not.

We are estranged from my father and from stbx's parents--for VERY good reasons.

Still, I can envision my kids, someday, wanting to see one grandparent or another; we went to see my "dying" father relatively recently at my son's request. (He wasn't dying--it was an elaborate way to get ego kibbles.)

The one thing I would tell you is that death--the process--is incredibly intimate, and it can be really confusing if your relationship is nebulous. And dying people are not always deathbed-reconciliation-ish. They can be cantankerous and obnoxious and as toxic as ever. I would be prepared for that.

I guess I would also try to figure out WHY I wanted to see him--and think about whether I was apt to be satisfied.

And then, if I still wanted to--I'd ask my mother. Is she emotionally safe enough to ask, Alyssa?

Alyssamd24 posted 12/12/2013 09:08 AM

Yes she is...my relationship with my mother is a good one.

I don't know the reason we have never met him....both he and my mothers mother are still living but the only contact I have ever had with them is a couple Christmas cards....my mother has never told me the reason we don't see them...I know she has four siblings, two of whom have always been in my life...I don't know the others.
One of my aunts who I do speak to has nothing to do with their parents and has cut them out completely. She has hinted to me in the past that their father was abusive to all the children, and my mom has told me a few sad stories about her childhood.

The other aunt that I speak to also has a rocky relationship with their parents....she tries to be part of their lives but they don't like her and don't want to be part of her life.

cliffside posted 12/13/2013 10:43 AM

I can understand your curiosity but take a step back and think long and hard about WHY you want to see him. I have a very close relationship with my Mom too. If I were you I would let my Mom make the call. She shielded you from this person for your entire life. I f you see him, it may upset her. I'm just thinking about this from how I know my Mom would react...

So I would go to your Mom, tell her you want to see him and see what she says and if she agrees let her set the terms. She knows this person and will most likely know if it's a good idea or not.

Hugs and good luck