I am also very new at this so I'm sure others will chime in with some other advice. I would also recommend some IC, it has helped me immensely. If you have any friends or family to lean on, I would do so.
What you need is complete truth. Full disclosure. What he's giving you falls well short of that. Of course it sets you back - it takes you right back to the beginning again and unwinds any healing you may have done.
Focus on your self-care right now. Your kids need you, and you will need your strength for them. (((((hugs)))))
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
years later I talked to my H about this, he told me that early on he was freaking out, when I found out about the A he was in full on panic mode, he knew he was killing me with this and he didn't want to hurt me more and he also was kind of in denial about what he was doing. If you read about the fog, people in A's lie to themselves to justify their behavior "my wife doesn't love me so sleeping with this ho is ok" they convince themselves of this stuff, so in a moment he was slapped in the face with reality and looking at all the stuff he'd done was really hard and painful. I'm not making excuses here, I'm just giving the other side, my understanding of it at least.
So he was so scared to hurt me more, even when I'd ask him for details, he'd have this internal conflict "will this hurt her more, will this push her over the edge and make her leave? maybe if I keep this one detail from her, she'll not ask again" So I can kind of see that it wasn't that he was trying to drive nails into my heart ( which is what it felt like as you know ) he just didn't know what the heck he was doing and it was making it worse.
What I ended up doing was writing in my journal about all my issues/questions. When an issue would come up over and over I'd ask myself "will knowing the answer to this help me heal?" if the answer was yes, i would explain it to my H in that way, that I needed it and why. I usually would also tell him what I figured the answer was, sometimes it was easier for him to just agree with what I knew rather than say the words ( I knew you slept with her on this day, didn't you? he'd just say yes rather than, what days did you sleep with her )
I never did this but some people have their WS write a time line of the A that way they aren't on the spot to remember, they have some time to sort it all out and some memories, remind them of others.
In regards to handling the pain, I distinctly remember saying out loud, "this is all I can take, this is it, one more bad thing and I'll die"
all the fall out from the affair is the worst pain I have ever felt, everything I knew was a lie, my life was a lie, and I was emotionally alone. It's hard but I did make it, if I can you can. keep a journal, it really does help to get all the chaos out of your head. Try to find a good IC or someone to talk to that isn't a friend, we need someone to vent to, it's too much to keep it in and we end up lashing out at our spouse or kids.
read all the books, it keeps your mind busy and gives you tips that can help you heal.
Try to just focus on today, it can be overwhelming otherwise. What can you do today to find some peace?
I'm sending you hugs, you will be happy again, i am 100% sure of that. I never thought I would be and I am. I'm a better person and a stronger person than I was.
Mepe- thanks, I do kinda understand what your saying. Its just so hard to think reasonable with all these crazy emotions.We have talked about how lies will only make things worse. How it will undo it all and put me back at square one. I understand that he is worried, when I asked him why he lied to me, he relied " I really didnt think you would still be here. " and hes afdraid because I have gotten suicidal thoughts.
When he lies it makes me feel like I am drowning and he is standing over me just watching. And instead of taking a risk to save me he would rather protect himself amd just watch me slowly suffer to death.
I feel like a fool... Kinda like the saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.