SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

kate0421 posted 12/12/2013 07:00 AM

Ok so I was actually in a place that was pretty tolerabl and I felt like we were doing pretty good. Well last night we had our counseling and the thing that has been kinda bothering me was hos lying about the details of flirting and getting phone numbers. It just made no sense to me to say that and then take it back amd tell me he actually cheated and thats why he said those things.
Well when it was brought up in our session, I asked him if he was lying or if he had been doing those things along with the cheating, he said he didnt but I just kept going on amd on about how I just know he is hiding something amd im not moving on until i have the whole truth. He then said maybe once or twice . I automatically was just hurt sooooo bad, im back to square one. When I try to ask him the details like how many times were you going out and hitting on woman or when these things happened he just doesnt remember, it was so long ago and he really didn't see it at a big deal because he never called them.....
Im so ashamed I let this hit me so hard. I went back so low, I feel like as soon as I was starting to let my gate down it gets worse. I cant get over that he lied to me again.... I felt suicidal, I just cant help but think of him out there being inappropriate and hitting on woman. It disgusts me, I feel like everything we have is fake. Our home, our lives, our routine, ieverything .... I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to take care of the kids and the house, i just want to be alone..... I have no choice but to be here for our kids, when he is working (60hrs wks) there is no one who can help me or watch them. I don't want to feel like this, but I really dont want to do this...
This is soo much pain, why did he lie to me again? I thought we could get past this. He was upset amd wasted and insecure amd having "weak moments" ( his words, not mine) when these things happened but now its like he was just going out and cheating everywhere. He says we will talk when he gets home amd that he loves me, but I dont know who he is. The therapist told him last night to stop telling me what he thinks i i assume or want to hear because it only makes the situation worse.. So is he just telling me this now because he thi.ks Im so stuck on it or is it the truth.... He says that no matter what je says i keep obsessing over something until he tells me "what i want to hear"... Wtf does that even mean? How will I ever know if he is being truthful... Who the hell have I been with all thses years, how could I be sooo blind. I dont know what to do.

Michman posted 12/12/2013 07:32 AM

Focus on the kids. Do what you need to do for you and the kids. Eat, sleep, drink water, breathe, take care of your children. That's all you have to do RIGHT NOW.

I am also very new at this so I'm sure others will chime in with some other advice. I would also recommend some IC, it has helped me immensely. If you have any friends or family to lean on, I would do so.

nowiknow23 posted 12/12/2013 07:40 AM

(((((kate))))) I'm so sorry, honey. The term you'll often see for what he's doing is trickle truth (TT). In my mind, it's self-serving lies meant to protect the WS (and sometimes, the AP and the affair itself). It is, unfortunately, very common.

What you need is complete truth. Full disclosure. What he's giving you falls well short of that. Of course it sets you back - it takes you right back to the beginning again and unwinds any healing you may have done.

Focus on your self-care right now. Your kids need you, and you will need your strength for them. (((((hugs)))))

mepe27 posted 12/12/2013 08:37 AM

I think trickle truth is really common. In the moment it's so messed up because you're begging them for the truth, you need it to heal, to trust them, you NEED it and when they keep lying every day, when all these lies just keep coming out every single day, it's too much to handle, why can't they get this???

It's unbearable.

years later I talked to my H about this, he told me that early on he was freaking out, when I found out about the A he was in full on panic mode, he knew he was killing me with this and he didn't want to hurt me more and he also was kind of in denial about what he was doing. If you read about the fog, people in A's lie to themselves to justify their behavior "my wife doesn't love me so sleeping with this ho is ok" they convince themselves of this stuff, so in a moment he was slapped in the face with reality and looking at all the stuff he'd done was really hard and painful. I'm not making excuses here, I'm just giving the other side, my understanding of it at least.

So he was so scared to hurt me more, even when I'd ask him for details, he'd have this internal conflict "will this hurt her more, will this push her over the edge and make her leave? maybe if I keep this one detail from her, she'll not ask again" So I can kind of see that it wasn't that he was trying to drive nails into my heart ( which is what it felt like as you know ) he just didn't know what the heck he was doing and it was making it worse.

What I ended up doing was writing in my journal about all my issues/questions. When an issue would come up over and over I'd ask myself "will knowing the answer to this help me heal?" if the answer was yes, i would explain it to my H in that way, that I needed it and why. I usually would also tell him what I figured the answer was, sometimes it was easier for him to just agree with what I knew rather than say the words ( I knew you slept with her on this day, didn't you? he'd just say yes rather than, what days did you sleep with her )

I never did this but some people have their WS write a time line of the A that way they aren't on the spot to remember, they have some time to sort it all out and some memories, remind them of others.

In regards to handling the pain, I distinctly remember saying out loud, "this is all I can take, this is it, one more bad thing and I'll die"
all the fall out from the affair is the worst pain I have ever felt, everything I knew was a lie, my life was a lie, and I was emotionally alone. It's hard but I did make it, if I can you can. keep a journal, it really does help to get all the chaos out of your head. Try to find a good IC or someone to talk to that isn't a friend, we need someone to vent to, it's too much to keep it in and we end up lashing out at our spouse or kids.
read all the books, it keeps your mind busy and gives you tips that can help you heal.
Try to just focus on today, it can be overwhelming otherwise. What can you do today to find some peace?
I'm sending you hugs, you will be happy again, i am 100% sure of that. I never thought I would be and I am. I'm a better person and a stronger person than I was.

kate0421 posted 12/13/2013 06:16 AM

Thank you for all of th replies. Its not easy but I am going through the motions, cooking, homework, cleaning..ect. I never would have thought it would be so hard to "pretend" to be happy taking care of my kids. I hate saying that but its so true. I really dont want to be doing any of this, but I love them so Im just trying to push through it with a crooked smile.

Mepe- thanks, I do kinda understand what your saying. Its just so hard to think reasonable with all these crazy emotions.We have talked about how lies will only make things worse. How it will undo it all and put me back at square one. I understand that he is worried, when I asked him why he lied to me, he relied " I really didnt think you would still be here. " and hes afdraid because I have gotten suicidal thoughts.

When he lies it makes me feel like I am drowning and he is standing over me just watching. And instead of taking a risk to save me he would rather protect himself amd just watch me slowly suffer to death.
I feel like a fool... Kinda like the saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.