Married 10 years, together for 14
Trying to get the strength to do what is right for me and my kids.
Check with the L to see if you can in fact change the locks. At a minimum move ALL of his stuff out of your bedroom. Put it in trash bags and leave it in a guest room, the garage, the porch, or the sidewalk, your pick. You are closign the bakery. He no longer gets to partake of your goods while he is out with someone else. Get tested for STD's immediately. Call a locksmith and ADD an additional lock to you bedroom and any other room in the house that you want to claim as yours. Do NOT give him a key. Yep he may be able to come and go as he please (until the lawyer files for temporary orders) in the marital home but life in the marital home isn't going to be the same for him anymore.
Start getting all your legal documents together and put them in a safe deposit box or give them to a family member. Take half the money out of joint checking checking accounts and open up accounts with your name only and deposit it in there. Read about and start up the 180 immediately. You can find it in the healing library. If you used to wash his clothes or cook dinner for him don't do ANY of it anymore. Let his shit pile up in a corner in those trash bags. He wants to cake eat now. He wants his home life to remain the same with you while he gets to go out and do whatever he wants with the AP (affair partner). Detach, start up the 180, ignore him and start doing things you want to do. Focus on yourself. It's tough at first but its the quickest way to emotionally detach from your WS. GO NC with your WH. No Contact, NC, means no new hurts. If the AP is married expose the Affair to her husband, work, family. Use those texts that you have and emails and send the proof.
If you can't do any of that right now it's okay. Just do what you can and keep posting it helps. Please make sure you rememeber that no matter what he says NONE of this is your fault. HE chose to have the A and destroy his M and family life. Nothing you did in the M made him go out and sleep with someone else. So don't let his blameshifting get to you. You will be okay.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:10 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]
I just don't understand where this self entitlement comes from?
His behavior is wretched and inexcusable. D him yesterday.
I think the hardest part for me is that I know he is having a blatant affair in front of my face, but there is always this little voice that says what if they are just friends and I over-reacted?
But even if that was the case, he obviously shouldn't be sleeping at her house for the last 2 months, and he lied about that too, saying he was at his dad's. I have caught him in countless lies these last months, and he just keeps lying and getting angry at me for doing my research.
I am a bright, educated woman, and I can't believe I think that way sometimes. I know his denial is part of his game right now, but he actually sounds sincere when he is out right lying to my face!! I know I am strong, I just need to find those bitch boots, and refuse to keep letting him walk all over me.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:45 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]
They lie to protect themselves. It's putting their needs before ours. No one spends nights on a couch when they're sending that woman roses.
Trust your gut. And if you don't trust your gut, trust the experience of us on SI. He's reading right out of the cheater's handbook.
Have you had yourself tested for STDs?
Also, have you noticed all the advice for you is the same? We can help you see reality, and help with suggestions. We have been where you are now and aren't emotionally attached and have the wisdom to see clearly.
He is cheating on you. It stops for you when you say so...
I can't believe this is my life right now!
His behavior reminds me so much of my WH and I wish I hadn`t suffered for 11 months after DDay with him BLATANTLY parading his whore and asking me sweetly if I could please look after his mother who came for a month long visit from his country while he was busy screwing the OW.
I suffered so much and just these days , almost 4 years after DDay and just exactly 3 years after I told him I want to separate I still have nightmares, feel unworthy , feel so broken sometimes because I let him mentally abuse me in this situation for so long.
But I also just didn`t have the strength to organize separation, schools for the kids in the first months after DDay.
Please, please do not let this happen to you !!!
I also had a very similar living arrangement going on. We had purchased a B&B which I was running. We had a contract on the sale of our house. Her husband which used to be WH best friend took a job in another state and she didn't want to move until he was settled. So she settled into our house, which unbeknownst to me, my WH canceled the sale contract on. But he insisted he was just helping out his friends.
I knew better. But it took me about 6 months to finally pull the trigger and file for divorce. And even then I wavered, right until he said he wanted to marry her and have me as his mistress.
I believe one of the reasons he kept denying the obvious was that he thought that as long as he didn't admit to the affair there would be fewer financial ramifications for him in the event of a divorce. And they both wanted it to look like their spouses were paranoid crazy people.
The good news is that when I finally did decide to put my bitch boots on I went whole hog. I had her evicted from my home. Even though he signed a lease to make it all look like it was just helping out his friends, I was a joint tenant in common on the deed. Therefore my signature was required on any lease of the property. And I never signed it. So I deemed her a squatter and had her evicted. He went with her. And I finally felt like I got back control of my life.
You will reach a point where your brain convinces your heart and you're heart will say "NO MORE". It will be very liberating. Not great. But way better than what you're going through now.
he just keeps lying and getting angry at me for doing my research.
He is blaming you for finding out rather than himself for doing it in the first place.
This dude has become completely heartless. Understand that he is no longer the man you married. So, no matter how much you miss him and are grieving for him, this guy is NOT him. Read up on the 180, it will tell you how to behave towards him. Do not give him any part of yourself (grieve in private) as at this point it will only make him feel like he still has you under his thumb and fuel his cruelty.
Get to a lawyer asap and find out your rights.
I am just finding it hard to find the strength to pack it up and leave it there.
Not your job to neatly pack his stuff and deliver it for him.
Put it in garbage bags and text him that it is on your front porch and if he wants it - come get it or it is going in the trash.
He wants to sleep on this "awesome woman's" couch - then he can take all his stuff with him.
I sooo understand wanting to believe them so badly. But your gut/heart knows he is BS'ing. You don't deserve this so please don't take it.
He has put his and her needs way above you and your kids. Time to dust off your brass ovaries and stand up for yourself. He is going to do what he is doing despite the pain it is causing you, he is showing you that over and over.
Time to love yourself more than him. It is hard but you can do it.
You are not broken. HE is.
You can't understand his actions because you are logical. He isn't. You'll never understand, so stop trying to.
Imagine the relief you will feel not having to deal with his BS.
Call a friend to help you pack his stuff up, and get the locks changed.
As someone else here said, it's time for you to love yourself more than you love him.
I keep telling him do you really think I am that much of an idiot to believe your are not cheating on me? Then he laughs and said it makes him happy about his decision to leave me, because I will never believe he was faithful!!
This is not a man who will fight for you or your marriage.
You've been given some really good advice here, (((rosie79)))!
Bottom line, he is blatantly doing this in front of you, completely disrespecting you and marriage. Imagine what he is capable of doing Behind your back.
He feels like you will do nothing... And so far he is right.
You have to realize you are worth more than accepting crumbs.