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When do I trust again?

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Hurtingspouse posted 12/12/2013 10:43 AM

I am just wondering when I will trust what my WH tells me. I am almost 2 months from D Day. WH had an EA with co-worker. I check his phone daily, knowing he can delete anything before coming home. I have anxiety during the day while WH is at work. I just don't know if I believe anything he says or if I ever will.

BrokenHurtAngry posted 12/12/2013 10:56 AM


I have the same feelings. I am a month post-D-Day and sometimes I think I will never trust a word that comes out of WH's mouth, even mundane things like what he had for lunch. I'm constantly questioning him to make sure he hasn't had any contact with OW, and he wonders how he can prove something doesn't exist... I think it will just take time, time and more time. I don't have a whole lot of advice, but just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

devasted30 posted 12/12/2013 10:56 AM

Wow, that is such a loaded question. First of all, what is your WS doing to help you heal? I don't think if he is deleting his emails that is going to do the trick. Do you know for sure he is deleting or just surmising? Is there not a program you can subscribe to that will fill you in on all his emails etc whether he deletes them or not on his phone. I believe there is as I have read people here on our site talking about it. Check that out. Is your spouse showing remorse? Is he doing other things to help you through this? Are you guys in IC or MC? If he is doing everything right and he truly is remorseful, then trust will come again - but it will take a long, long time. Probably years. You are only 2 months out from your DDay. Have patience, but only time will make this better. Time - the ugliest four letter word in the English language but also the truest.

CLM78 posted 12/12/2013 10:59 AM

I have exactly the same issue. I'm about 3 months from D-Day and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust my WH like I did before. So, far I've been checking his phone, email, Facebook, etc, but I'm coming to the realization that it's only making me crazy. I don't even know where to go from here. I do believe that time will make it better. Only because its not the same pain as I had on has lessened, but its still there everyday

AndreaL posted 12/12/2013 11:10 AM

I'm 11 days into finding out about my husbands affair, and everyone keeps saying time will help. I just don't see it. It's exhausting feeling like this.

ascian posted 12/12/2013 11:21 AM

It took me about 3 months of exhaustive checking daily (or so) to get out of my initial panic. The only reason I think it was that short for me is that I'm an IT professional and know most of the ways that my wife could have used to continue her affair underground, but saw none of that happening.

For the last month I've been pretty calm about things, my wife has shown me that she's remorseful and has worked very hard to rebuild my trust in her. Every once in a while I'll get hit by a bout of paranoia and feel the need to check her FB/Pinterest/Google accounts and such, but that's less than once a week now.

I think, though, that that time will be different for each person. It'll depend on their faith in their own ability to detect cheating behaviors, on the work their WS is doing to repair relationships, and on the nature of the affair(s) as well.

karmahappens posted 12/12/2013 11:54 AM

We are over six years out, reconciled. Great marriage now and I have no trust issues.

It took a long, long time. Put trust on the back burner right now. Get through your days, do the IC/MC if you are working it.

Trust but verify comes after a while, but real trust takes years to come back.

It won't always be fact-checking, hyper-aware but there will be a cloud of hmmmm over much that they say through at least the first year, IMO.

If they are doing everything they can to be open and transparent it helps to restore that trust.

If there is openness the trust not being there isn't as difficult because you feel safer.

If you are going to try to R then feeling safe is huge.


Frankie80 posted 12/12/2013 12:43 PM

Does your husband still work with his AP?
mine did and I was a mess, checking his phone emails etc constantly, knowing they were still seeing each other and contacting each other through work meant I couldn't even begin to trust him because I could have no idea what they were really saying to each other. It wasn't until everything came out into the open and she left the company that I could even think of believing anything he said. I am nearly three months from Dday and still need reassurance he hasn't heard from her or contacted her. But I am starting to believe his answers now instead of throwing it back in his face. It's so hard, hope you're ok

MammaMia posted 12/13/2013 02:08 AM

It takes along time to regain trust and some BS never fully trust after an A .

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