I posted this on the "Why Did You Do It?" page, but I wanted to put it out there. This is very hard for me. Please be kind. I am trying so hard to deal with what I did.
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I have been married for almost 23 years. Some good, some pretty bad. Add to that two special needs kids and a husband who wanted a perfect housewife/obedient wife/mother for the kids, and one sexually and emotionally neglected wife, and you have a hot mess.
Do not get me wrong. Cheating was not right. I know this. My mom cheated on my dad and I swore I would never put my spouse or kids through that. If you are unhappy, divorce, right? Nope. I had to be selfish.
Two years ago, I got a message on Facebook from a high school sweetheart. It progressed to messages, to texts and phone calls. Then we met up and had sex in a hotel one day. I bought a secret cell phone. I met up with him in different places, and thought I was slick. He was not married but about to be. I was sexually neglected and starved for affection of any type...ripe for the picking really. One day, my husband found the cell phone and all hell broke loose. I did not disclose all of the events, as he did not want to know everything. I did try.
Things calmed down and we were on the mend. I cut off the OM immediately. A month later DH informs me he is wanting a divorce, so I needed to find an apt.
Being selfish as I was, I started apt hunting after I got my half of the tax refund a month later. I figured DH did not want me anymore, so I had started dating a guy, and moved him into my new apt with my youngest son. (cringe) YES, that was a horrible horrible, selfish mistake I will always regret. But being a wee older than some and yes, stupid, I thought no big deal. Bad decision. The worst. This dude did not want to work and didn't want to clean and was expecting me to eventually move across the country, etc and leave my children totally.
I woke up to reality a month later and booted his ass and DH and I decided to reconcile. I even got affection and sex for a change. A year later, back to the same. No affection, no sex except maybe every three months. Nothing. A lot of bullshit and verbal abuse too. He even pulled a gun on me in front of our youngest son, but the local judge would not allow charges.
It all came to a head in Feb when I found out my mother's cancer had spread to her brain. I told him TRUCE. That I was not going to listen to any bullshit and he was to support me and our kids right now. Mom died two weeks later and DH did support me and our boys. I got a nice inheritance and bought land and a house out in the boonies. I thought, new place, new start, etc. Nope. Back to no sex, no affection and being nasty to me and expecting me to do all housework, child care, and work 40 hours and overtime. He has shit fits when the kids don't obey his every command and when after working a 12 hour day, I don't have all laundry done and folded, dishes washed and dinner cooked and everything else done. He cusses at me and the kids and rages. He calls me psycho and sleeps on the couch. This stuff comes in spurts. For awhile he will be fine. But then BOOM!
I am tired. I know I deserve his disrespect and anger, but it is like I am going to be forever punished. He has called me a whore in front of our kids and threatened to take our kids away to Florida, where his family is. It is like he got his land and house, and now he is going to emotionally abuse me more because I am not about to walk out on my investment.
So, I decided I will see an attorney next year and see about my rights. For now, we are getting on okay, but he still acts like I have the plague.
Will I cheat again? No. I will never ever step over that boundary while married. Not gonna happen and in fact, even if I do divorce, it will be a hell of a long time before I get with any man. Too many crazy ass people out there. I allowed myself to become enamored with a slick talking, lazy shiftless silver tongued devil. Who, by the way, is living with another woman and who is begging online for money to adopt a child and have a fancy wedding. Whatever. Good riddance.
I do have to wonder why spouses who deny their wife or husband sex and affection actually expect the wife or husband to be celibate. To me, that is as wrong as unfaithfulness. But my thinking might be a wee screwy.
I just found out the HS Sweetheart lives near us. DH does not know. I ran into the guy and told him point blank to leave me alone. Never ever contact me. He agreed and so far so good, except his wife found out he had talked to me and is on the warpath with him. Oh well. I am going to tell DH.
[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:00 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]