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Daisy1967 posted 12/12/2013 10:49 AM

I posted this on the "Why Did You Do It?" page, but I wanted to put it out there. This is very hard for me. Please be kind. I am trying so hard to deal with what I did.

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I have been married for almost 23 years. Some good, some pretty bad. Add to that two special needs kids and a husband who wanted a perfect housewife/obedient wife/mother for the kids, and one sexually and emotionally neglected wife, and you have a hot mess.

Do not get me wrong. Cheating was not right. I know this. My mom cheated on my dad and I swore I would never put my spouse or kids through that. If you are unhappy, divorce, right? Nope. I had to be selfish.

Two years ago, I got a message on Facebook from a high school sweetheart. It progressed to messages, to texts and phone calls. Then we met up and had sex in a hotel one day. I bought a secret cell phone. I met up with him in different places, and thought I was slick. He was not married but about to be. I was sexually neglected and starved for affection of any type...ripe for the picking really. One day, my husband found the cell phone and all hell broke loose. I did not disclose all of the events, as he did not want to know everything. I did try.

Things calmed down and we were on the mend. I cut off the OM immediately. A month later DH informs me he is wanting a divorce, so I needed to find an apt.

Being selfish as I was, I started apt hunting after I got my half of the tax refund a month later. I figured DH did not want me anymore, so I had started dating a guy, and moved him into my new apt with my youngest son. (cringe) YES, that was a horrible horrible, selfish mistake I will always regret. But being a wee older than some and yes, stupid, I thought no big deal. Bad decision. The worst. This dude did not want to work and didn't want to clean and was expecting me to eventually move across the country, etc and leave my children totally.

I woke up to reality a month later and booted his ass and DH and I decided to reconcile. I even got affection and sex for a change. A year later, back to the same. No affection, no sex except maybe every three months. Nothing. A lot of bullshit and verbal abuse too. He even pulled a gun on me in front of our youngest son, but the local judge would not allow charges.

It all came to a head in Feb when I found out my mother's cancer had spread to her brain. I told him TRUCE. That I was not going to listen to any bullshit and he was to support me and our kids right now. Mom died two weeks later and DH did support me and our boys. I got a nice inheritance and bought land and a house out in the boonies. I thought, new place, new start, etc. Nope. Back to no sex, no affection and being nasty to me and expecting me to do all housework, child care, and work 40 hours and overtime. He has shit fits when the kids don't obey his every command and when after working a 12 hour day, I don't have all laundry done and folded, dishes washed and dinner cooked and everything else done. He cusses at me and the kids and rages. He calls me psycho and sleeps on the couch. This stuff comes in spurts. For awhile he will be fine. But then BOOM!

I am tired. I know I deserve his disrespect and anger, but it is like I am going to be forever punished. He has called me a whore in front of our kids and threatened to take our kids away to Florida, where his family is. It is like he got his land and house, and now he is going to emotionally abuse me more because I am not about to walk out on my investment.

So, I decided I will see an attorney next year and see about my rights. For now, we are getting on okay, but he still acts like I have the plague.

Will I cheat again? No. I will never ever step over that boundary while married. Not gonna happen and in fact, even if I do divorce, it will be a hell of a long time before I get with any man. Too many crazy ass people out there. I allowed myself to become enamored with a slick talking, lazy shiftless silver tongued devil. Who, by the way, is living with another woman and who is begging online for money to adopt a child and have a fancy wedding. Whatever. Good riddance.

I do have to wonder why spouses who deny their wife or husband sex and affection actually expect the wife or husband to be celibate. To me, that is as wrong as unfaithfulness. But my thinking might be a wee screwy.

I just found out the HS Sweetheart lives near us. DH does not know. I ran into the guy and told him point blank to leave me alone. Never ever contact me. He agreed and so far so good, except his wife found out he had talked to me and is on the warpath with him. Oh well. I am going to tell DH.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:00 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/12/2013 11:35 AM

Daisy, welcome to SI. You're right, this is very hard, for all of us. Every WS has been in your shoes and we are no better (or worse) than you. Just, in some cases, further down the road.

What I'm not seeing in your post is you taking responsibility for your actions. Not saying you don't, in general, but you're not displaying that here. Cheating was wrong, you acknowledge, but this...

I do have to wonder why spouses who deny their wife or husband sex and affection actually expect the wife or husband to be celibate. To me, that is as wrong as unfaithfulness.

...this is you blaming your BH for your affairs. So is this...

I was sexually neglected and starved for affection of any type

You appear to be blaming all the "bad" in your marriage (pre-affair) on your BH. Again, I'm not accusing you of such, but it's all you're showing us here. You've painted a picture of a M that isn't worth saving, and of a husband who's an abusive jerk. I've been on SI long enough to identify a some common characteristics in "new" waywards (me being a prime, raging example). One, we blame others, usually our spouse, for the conditions that led to the affair. And two, we project our feelings onto our spouse, instead of recognizing that the feelings come from within. Whether it be anger, sadness, fear, originating from work, our childhoods, our own shortcomings.

I'm seeing you blame-shift and project, Daisy, and I want to repeat, you are in very good company in exhibiting these behaviors. Pretty sure we all did it.

You didn't cheat because your BH sexually and emotionally neglected you, or because he sometimes behaves like a jerk. You cheated because something inside you is broken. You need to find that and fix it, because otherwise what's changed from your pre-affair thoughts of...

I swore I would never put my spouse or kids through that

...and your thoughts now of...

Will I cheat again? No. I will never ever step over that boundary while married.

...? Really? Why not? Because you'll get divorced and (if you go there) your next relationship will be better because he's not such a neglectful jerk? No, that's not the answer. You turned to an inappropriate coping mechanism (affairs) to deal with your feelings of being emotionally neglected. Why don't you have better, healthier coping mechanisms? That's what you need to figure out, regardless of how your current M ends up.

Daisy1967 posted 12/12/2013 12:17 PM

I appreciate the honest replies.

Believe me, I have beat myself up worse for this thing than anyone else could.

He is not to blame for my actions. I do know this.
What I should have done is get out of the marriage, instead of cheating on him.

But yes, I do have a lot of resentment over spouses who just plain refuse to have sex and give affection to their husband or wife. They don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to either. Yes I am pissed about that kind of thing. To me it is emotionally abusive to be refused over and over and over. It is one thing to NOT be ABLE to be physically intimate. Medical issues and sometimes people just are not in the mood. I understand. But year after year of him in front of the TV instead of with me every night. Trying to do nice things for him, and getting knocked down at every turn. Nothing I do is good enough. I don't do everything perfectly. I am emotional. The excuses for him not treating me like a wife: I am tired. You don't clean the house well enough. You don't cook this well enough. You don't make any money....etc. I did everything he asked for and more and....nothing. I felt like nothing. HS Sweetheart made me FEEL again. The slick talking asshole I fell for made me feel like I was something again.

While it is not an excuse, it is a reason. I understand now why my mom was so desperate and broken. My dad treated her the same way my DH treats me.

I am working on that. I guess I am just resentful of him and pissed off at myself. But where do I go from here. He refuses counseling. We tried it a few years ago and he quit because he was being told things he didn't like to hear. Because I am the one with all of the problems and he has none.

We have three sons, two of whom are on the Autism Spectrum. It is tough. The idea of splitting up the home and upsetting the kids again, like I did, is why I say I will never cheat again. The hurt in their eyes. I cannot do it again. It will destroy me to destroy them.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 12:24 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Secrets Kept posted 12/12/2013 13:16 PM

So why did you guys decide to R anyway?
And what is his reason?

I know this is usually for BS, but it sounds like you need to implement the 180 in your marriage, which will help you to detach from him. (ie....don't cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry, run errands for, etc., etc)

Then at least he can see that you did actually do these things, just never got any credit for it from him. Plus you can tell him that when he treats you like a wife, you will be a wife to him.

Good luck!!!

Daisy1967 posted 12/12/2013 15:14 PM

Oh hell, I honestly do not know why we decided to R. Probably, yes this is cliche'...for the kids.

I think he does love me and I love him. It is just that he holds grudges worse than anyone I know, unless it is his FOO who offend him. Then, it is "well they are faaaaamily".

I think what I am going to do, for now, is be completely nice to him. Not fight with him and make more of an effort in the house and all. He gets pissy, I am going to walk away.

I honestly wish I could get back the guy I married. I know that I am to blame for some of his issues.

I guess I am pretty mixed up. Need to find a counselor. But I do appreciate this board. You all hand a person their butt, but then you try to help too.

RightTrack posted 12/12/2013 21:23 PM

Daisy,
Your husband sounds an awful lot like mine, generally neglectful. My husband did want sex though, he just didn't want to have to come home or be nice to me to get it. So I see where you're coming from.

What I don't see is all the lying and sneaking around and potentially (if you ever did have sex) exposing him to disease.

You two need help, serious help. If you are going to try to R "for the kids" or because of all the history you have or maybe because there's some love left there you need to get some counseling and need to start communicating.

I'd also recommend establishing some solid boundaries. In my case, my neglectful husband was the one who cheated. I stayed "for the kids" but I feel like I am able to stay because we have some solid ground rules now.

RightTrack posted 12/12/2013 21:28 PM

Here are some of my boundaries/ground rules now: No more spanking the kids, no porn, no Facebook, no password protected emails. I also made him promise (ha) that if I wasn't making him happy that he would TELL ME.

You are in a position to leave, it sounds like. You can make some rules for yourself, you don't need to put up with abuse/neglect.

No name calling in front of the kids, sex twice a week (it's possible, our new rule is every morning), mutual respect and marital counseling.

I wish you the best.

Daisy1967 posted 12/13/2013 07:18 AM

Righttrack, you are right.

I should not have sneaked and lied. I am not stupid though. I am a fanatic about safe sex. And I was not just out doing everyone I could. It was two guys, one of whom I knew very well, and the other, well....I cringe when I think of how I let myself be swayed by some asshat.

I also got checked for STD when things were over. I am fine. Thank God.

That is why I say I won't cheat again. I will not let my feelings overtake my common sense. I am not a dumb person. I cannot honestly say what came over me those few months. I have no excuse. No matter how my husband treated me, he does not deserve an STD or to be lied to and sneaked around on. My children deserve better too.

It feels good to tell someone, even if I am getting my butt handed to me. I have no one to tell these things to. I have no support and I am ashamed to even tell my best and dearest friend what I did.