"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Spelljean posted 12/12/2013 12:45 PM

When a STBXH continues to attempt to get me, DD, and his parents together for holiday time, birthday dinners out, etc....but he hasn't committed to R and we are divorcing--is this a form of cake eating, or trying to remain "friends" (which can be a form of cake-eating right?)

He texts today that he wants to do a birthday celebration out with me, our daughter and his parents a couple of days before his birthday since on his birthday he is "playing poker" (doubtful, probably still stuck in the A and attempting to keep me close because--she's an overbearing nut job)

I said no, but DD can go along with them of course. Actually her decision, she is 18 now. Regardless, I said they can go ahead without me!

But what is the psychology behind this??? I cannot imagine sitting with our daughter and his parents out at dinner as though everything is peachy. What the heck is wrong with this guy? So, he wants the comfort of family, without committing to his family?? Not only that, but say for the sake of argument it was some warped way of attempting to work his way back to his marriage....a birthday dinner out on a different night other than his actual birthday is not only a red flag, but shows that everyone in his life is STILL second to his selfish needs.

That fact is annoying, way more so than his asking me to dinner with his parent.

sorry, just can't be his friend and sit there at dinner like a nice daughter-in-law either. I love my in-laws very much, but will not subject myself to such stress. I prefer to see them away from WH. I can totally see me going out with my MIL to a movie or lunch.

nowiknow23 posted 12/12/2013 13:47 PM

Absolutely! It's all about making himself feel like he's not such a bad guy. I mean, he can't be a douche if you're at his birthday, right? He's a swell guy and you know it! We're all friends still, we just grew apart. See? Not his fault.

Cake. Total cake. Blech.

gardens64 posted 12/12/2013 14:03 PM

I'm setting boundaries for this too. I wonder if it's part of the compartmentalization. We are still in house.I had to very firmly state that am not hanging out with friends or family together, no way. He is welcome to take the kids but I am not going. Our kids are young so if there's a class birthday party or school event, no problem, both attend if we want. My SIL is getting married and graciously invited me. I will go to that and went to the engagement party. But I see that as a special circumstance.

SBB posted 12/12/2013 14:12 PM

sorry, just can't be his friend and sit there at dinner like a nice daughter-in-law either.

And it is no longer your job. He sacked you from that position - he also sacked himself from the 'nice guy' position too.

They all pull this 'can't we all just be grownups?' bullshit - they'll do anything to a) cake eat; and b) keep cultivating their false self-image.

Don't get dragged into trying to work out his motivation - you'll never work it out and you'll drive yourself crazy trying. He is a fuckwit, that's the answer for everything. If they can't get us to play nice they'll take their ego kibbles by way of emotional terrorism. This is just one example of it.

If your xILS have any real love for you they would understand how inappropriate this would be and they would support your decision.

Fuck.That.Guy. Look up the word divorce, arsehole - its right there between Cheating and Syphilis.

suckstobeme posted 12/12/2013 14:27 PM

I love how the invitation relates to HIS birthday. As if you have any interest in how he spends his own birthday. IMHO, that makes it about a million times more egotistical than if he tried to orchestrate something together for Christmas or DD's birthday. I wouldn't do that either, but at least then he could hide behind the whole "let's do it for the kid" notion. This is, 100% all about him and his need for cake. And this guy doesn't want a crumb - he wants to eat the whole damn thing.

Who knows what motivates these nut jobs? Honestly. We have such a hard time understanding because it wouldn't even enter our psyche to come up with this idea, let alone have the nerve to actually bring it up.

I suppose you have to continue to teach him that he's either in or he's out. If he wants to be out, this is what it feels like. He gets to sit at a birthday dinner with his elderly parents and a kid who may or may not be remotely excited to be there. He doesn't get you anymore. They all seem to forget that. They toss us aside so easily, but yet, when it comes down to it, they want us to always be there at the same time. I don't know when it is they realize that they don't get to have both. All I know is I'd like to be a fly on the wall every time that happens -I'd like to see the sad realization of the lifetime of consequences that they brought on themselves.

FTG!

mandan66 posted 12/12/2013 14:50 PM

(((Spell)))
Yes, it is either massive cake-eating, or as NIK said, trying to show everyone that he is not such a bad guy after all.
Don't even try to figure it out! My nut job X told me I was a disappointment to our son because I didn't want to do a 'family' get together last weekend for his birthday. WTF?
Remember: you are dealing with someone who lives in a fantasy world, and is kind of stupid, unethical, etc.
Detach, ignore, set boundaries. Be good to yourself!

Spelljean posted 12/12/2013 14:52 PM

Exactly, its not my job anymore. Definitely could be compartmentalization too. He absolutely cannot seem to let go of the old "family unit" of him, me, DD and his parents.

That part of his life is gone. I know he hates that it is, and he's in denial...but it's gone. Over.

But seriously, even if I took temporary leave of my senses and agreed to this dinner, how ridiculous that he'd be out with me and his family one night and OW the very next night.

I realize it happens all the time! Been reading here on SI for the past year and a half. And I'm always shocked at the nerve of some of the WS.

Abbondad posted 12/12/2013 19:59 PM

The nerve, indeed. My STBX, after demolishing our family, has suggested a "family Xmas," a "family birthday for DS," and "shared presents from mommy and daddy.

I vetoed each one. Her expressed rationale as usual is that it is "for the children" (like her actions have demonstrated that she truly gives a shit about their emotional wellbeing).

To me this is nothing but a manifestation of cake-eating as well as enabling them to assure themselves that they are really not so bad after all--IF you concede. Don't.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:00 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Thefly559 posted 12/12/2013 21:33 PM

I agree he is just trying to cake eat my stbxww did the same in the beginning, or tried. now she knows my anger and pain is forever. I loved my inlaws too but I cut them off like cancer and all our friends and all her family. I feel so much better than being a phony. you are supposed to sit there and do what? pretend everything is cool and normal as he divorces you and sleeps with another ? gently, come on you are better than that. do not even entertain it. sorry just my opinion. stay strong

careerlady posted 12/12/2013 22:31 PM

I still think doing family stuff is ok for the sake of the kids, but that would be if it were a Che's bday and they wanted both parents at the party. Getting together for HIS birthday is just cake eating. With your kid being an adult I'd just say FTG

ninebark posted 12/13/2013 07:04 AM

My Ex and I have a fairly cordial relationship but despite that we don't do holidays, birthday, anything together. We split them up equally, but we aren't a couple anymore and I refuse to act like one. It has been a couple of years now and we both have SO's but even in the beginning it was best not only for our peace of mind but also for DS. I didn't want to confuse him or give him false hope that we would be a family the way we used to be.

I remember when we first told DS that we were separating and he wanted to know if we could still go on vacations together. We had to be clear on what that meant. Now your DD is obviously older so this may not pertain to her so much.

Your ex needs to understand that his actions had consquences.

Take2 posted 12/13/2013 08:07 AM

he wants the comfort of family, without committing to his family

^^ that. Right there.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/13/2013 08:16 AM

OMG I love this website!!!!

Thank you Spelljean for posting this!

I could not understand for the life of me why my XWH and the OW now want us to act like grownups for the children. WTF? I told my husband, "You do remember you cheated on her in our house while I was at work,right?". He said that was a long time ago and I need to get past that, her XH has.

GEES... Now after reading from everyone, he wants to be a cake eater AND look like the nice guy that we "just grew apart"......

Thank you to everyone who continues to post on these forums,,,, it helps all of us at whatever stage of the saga we are in....

Spelljean posted 12/13/2013 08:54 AM

You know Homewrecked, I would doubt the other XH is really ok with everything or has gotten "past" the A to where he is fine with it all.

I'm with you, no pretending that after a year or two things are just great. I also don't see rugsweeping as a sign of maturity.

damncutekitty posted 12/13/2013 09:49 AM

It's possible he hasn't told his family that he's getting a D and is trying to put it off.

My XH avoided his family because he knew they knew about the A and that they loved me and would call him out on his crap behavior. I had to break the news to them when my now ex FIL called me that year to find out about our holiday plans. He caught me off guard because I thought he knew already. I felt like such an asshole.

Time for your STBXH to learn the real meaning of DIVORCE.

StillLivin posted 12/13/2013 10:07 AM

Absolutely! It's all about making himself feel like he's not such a bad guy. I mean, he can't be a douche if you're at his birthday, right? He's a swell guy and you know it! We're all friends still, we just grew apart. See? Not his fault.

What NIK said.
Don't fall for it. He's just dropping crumbs because he's missing your ego kibbles.
If it were YOUR birthday, and he were making extreme efforts to be considerate.....but he isn't. Same selfish crap he probably gave you while he was in the M with you.

Spelljean posted 12/14/2013 18:27 PM

Very true stilllivin!

WH did the exact thing during the M. Had family dinners out the day before his birthday....so he could hang with lord knows who (supposedly guy friends) on his actual birthday. If my birthday fell on a night where he already had plans, he would take me to dinner on a Tuesday...then give his friends the weekend nights.

They said here that you typically get the exact thing you got in the marriage in the divorce. Same attitude, same everything. So true in my case.

PurpleRose posted 12/14/2013 19:10 PM

Oh the holidays brings out the crazy...

Once I finally decided my M was over and told the Dooosh he needed to leave (in October)he came up with the brilliant idea of staying for the holidays "so the kids could enjoy one last happy family celebration!!!"

What a fucking moron, as if I was even remotely interested in keeping him around til December.

But, yanno, it's for the kids.

Spelljean posted 12/15/2013 06:16 AM

One last happy family celebration is cruel and pointless to me. More like "Get out Jerk-face...get out now. We'll deal."

nekorb posted 12/15/2013 16:27 PM

Thank you so much for posting this thread!

My WH has been trying to manipulate me into believing its "my fault" if the kids don't have holidays and special occasions with both parents there because I am choosing not to participate in that type of event should he follow through with his threats to leave.

Does he expect me to just ignore his cheating on me and leaving the marriage and show up with my party face on? Oh wait, yes he does.

I can't do that.

I think it's cruel and selfish of him to even think about it as a possibility or that I'm being unreasonable about it.