He texts today that he wants to do a birthday celebration out with me, our daughter and his parents a couple of days before his birthday since on his birthday he is "playing poker" (doubtful, probably still stuck in the A and attempting to keep me close because--she's an overbearing nut job)
I said no, but DD can go along with them of course. Actually her decision, she is 18 now. Regardless, I said they can go ahead without me!
But what is the psychology behind this??? I cannot imagine sitting with our daughter and his parents out at dinner as though everything is peachy. What the heck is wrong with this guy? So, he wants the comfort of family, without committing to his family?? Not only that, but say for the sake of argument it was some warped way of attempting to work his way back to his marriage....a birthday dinner out on a different night other than his actual birthday is not only a red flag, but shows that everyone in his life is STILL second to his selfish needs.
That fact is annoying, way more so than his asking me to dinner with his parent.
sorry, just can't be his friend and sit there at dinner like a nice daughter-in-law either. I love my in-laws very much, but will not subject myself to such stress. I prefer to see them away from WH. I can totally see me going out with my MIL to a movie or lunch.
Cake. Total cake. Blech.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
sorry, just can't be his friend and sit there at dinner like a nice daughter-in-law either.
And it is no longer your job. He sacked you from that position - he also sacked himself from the 'nice guy' position too.
They all pull this 'can't we all just be grownups?' bullshit - they'll do anything to a) cake eat; and b) keep cultivating their false self-image.
Don't get dragged into trying to work out his motivation - you'll never work it out and you'll drive yourself crazy trying. He is a fuckwit, that's the answer for everything. If they can't get us to play nice they'll take their ego kibbles by way of emotional terrorism. This is just one example of it.
If your xILS have any real love for you they would understand how inappropriate this would be and they would support your decision.
Fuck.That.Guy. Look up the word divorce, arsehole - its right there between Cheating and Syphilis.
Who knows what motivates these nut jobs? Honestly. We have such a hard time understanding because it wouldn't even enter our psyche to come up with this idea, let alone have the nerve to actually bring it up.
I suppose you have to continue to teach him that he's either in or he's out. If he wants to be out, this is what it feels like. He gets to sit at a birthday dinner with his elderly parents and a kid who may or may not be remotely excited to be there. He doesn't get you anymore. They all seem to forget that. They toss us aside so easily, but yet, when it comes down to it, they want us to always be there at the same time. I don't know when it is they realize that they don't get to have both. All I know is I'd like to be a fly on the wall every time that happens -I'd like to see the sad realization of the lifetime of consequences that they brought on themselves.
That part of his life is gone. I know he hates that it is, and he's in denial...but it's gone. Over.
But seriously, even if I took temporary leave of my senses and agreed to this dinner, how ridiculous that he'd be out with me and his family one night and OW the very next night.
I realize it happens all the time! Been reading here on SI for the past year and a half. And I'm always shocked at the nerve of some of the WS.
I vetoed each one. Her expressed rationale as usual is that it is "for the children" (like her actions have demonstrated that she truly gives a shit about their emotional wellbeing).
To me this is nothing but a manifestation of cake-eating as well as enabling them to assure themselves that they are really not so bad after all--IF you concede. Don't.
[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:00 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I remember when we first told DS that we were separating and he wanted to know if we could still go on vacations together. We had to be clear on what that meant. Now your DD is obviously older so this may not pertain to her so much.
Your ex needs to understand that his actions had consquences.
he wants the comfort of family, without committing to his family
^^ that. Right there.
Thank you Spelljean for posting this!
I could not understand for the life of me why my XWH and the OW now want us to act like grownups for the children. WTF? I told my husband, "You do remember you cheated on her in our house while I was at work,right?". He said that was a long time ago and I need to get past that, her XH has.
GEES... Now after reading from everyone, he wants to be a cake eater AND look like the nice guy that we "just grew apart"......
Thank you to everyone who continues to post on these forums,,,, it helps all of us at whatever stage of the saga we are in....
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
I'm with you, no pretending that after a year or two things are just great. I also don't see rugsweeping as a sign of maturity.
My XH avoided his family because he knew they knew about the A and that they loved me and would call him out on his crap behavior. I had to break the news to them when my now ex FIL called me that year to find out about our holiday plans. He caught me off guard because I thought he knew already. I felt like such an asshole.
Time for your STBXH to learn the real meaning of DIVORCE.
Absolutely! It's all about making himself feel like he's not such a bad guy. I mean, he can't be a douche if you're at his birthday, right? He's a swell guy and you know it! We're all friends still, we just grew apart. See? Not his fault.
WH did the exact thing during the M. Had family dinners out the day before his birthday....so he could hang with lord knows who (supposedly guy friends) on his actual birthday. If my birthday fell on a night where he already had plans, he would take me to dinner on a Tuesday...then give his friends the weekend nights.
They said here that you typically get the exact thing you got in the marriage in the divorce. Same attitude, same everything. So true in my case.
Once I finally decided my M was over and told the Dooosh he needed to leave (in October)he came up with the brilliant idea of staying for the holidays "so the kids could enjoy one last happy family celebration!!!"
What a fucking moron, as if I was even remotely interested in keeping him around til December.
But, yanno, it's for the kids.
My WH has been trying to manipulate me into believing its "my fault" if the kids don't have holidays and special occasions with both parents there because I am choosing not to participate in that type of event should he follow through with his threats to leave.
Does he expect me to just ignore his cheating on me and leaving the marriage and show up with my party face on? Oh wait, yes he does.
I can't do that.
I think it's cruel and selfish of him to even think about it as a possibility or that I'm being unreasonable about it.