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A work in progress

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rachelc posted 12/12/2013 15:24 PM

I canít jump in with both feet. I just canít. I donít feel he has my best interests at heart. He has his own and what he thinks is best for our family. Itís like these decisions are made for me. Itís all about remaining status quo. Like if I can just ďgut this outĒ he can keep his job, we can retire well, our friends and kids are here, etc. The only way I can remain here is to be detached. IC said I don't feel safe enough yet.

Today in IC I had to imagine a marriage where two people are happy but not enmeshed with each other. I imagined my sister and her husband. Itís like they are together but side by side, not face to face, if that makes any sense. Itís hard to explain, my sister seems gloriously happy, but not deliriously in love. Her husband once told me that once he saw her he never needed to look at another woman. When I said that aloud in IC I burst into tears.

Last night we were watching House Hunters Ė all the happy people looking for houses together. Something struck me about the wife and I remembered the month right after the 2nd dday when the kids asked hubby what he was getting me for Motherís Day. He said, nothing, sheís not my mother. How very fucking cruel, I thought, but I wasnít strong enough to do anything. He asked me what I was thinking about Ė and I said something not pleasant and he pushed for me so I told him. He couldnít believe he was that cruel to me and apologized for doing it. That was good to hear. And I was certainly treated differently the next Motherís Day. And I told him Iíd kick him out if he treated me that way again. He suggested that I try to stay in the moment and try to look forward to Christmas. I can do that, I said, but these things crop up from time to time.

Itís the layer upon layer of crap that I must figure out how to get through. Thatís why our anniversary fiasco hit me so hard Ė just another hurt for the pile that seems to be built on quicksand. I am jealous of those of you who can jumble everything into one gigantic mess you forgive. However, Iím not going to pressure myself to do anything but heal from this, including my selfish actions. I understand that people create their own happiness. But if one is in an unhappy relationship that happiness becomes a higher mountain to climb, IMO.

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:24 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 12/12/2013 16:24 PM

Hi Rachel-
just letting you know I hear you.

H and I are working through past issues as well. He had some pretty down times during our M and today we fought non stop (while at work not less) about them.
He isn't quite getting it yet. Borderline Mental Abuse for the entire M that I never really saw until it was filtered through the A lens.
He has some really strong FOO issues.
But your post hit home because we have been having honest discussions about how he treated me at different times in our M.
I just found out he gave up on me 5 years ago- just didn't tell me. Kept playing along the whole time and moved me three thousand miles away from everything I had ever known to be near his family.
He now tells me he thought I was cheating with an ex boyfriend (from like 20 years ago).
WHAT?!?!? and you never said anything? NEVER?
5 years!

Sorry, didn't mean to t/j.

I dont' have any words of wisdom I am just glad that yours is talking about it.
Mine is trying to. as best he can.
But we just kind of opened this can of worms- I am interested in hearing other's replies.

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