My WH is very ill (mentally, I mean)...his A went on for 6 yrs!!! He manipulated an employee sexually to soothe his stress/anxiety; all his issues stem from traumatic childhood...at least that's what 4 hours of weekly therapy are telling him.
But you know what? So F'in what? Lots of people have messed up childhoods but they understand boundaries!! It is pretty common knowledge that an A will hurt your wife, your three small children...this isn't rocket science, people! Yet, he claims he was so caught up in the "self-soothing" he didn't know it would hurt us.
See? This is where the issue lies for me...even if he spends the rest of his life understanding and figuring out why he did this,HE HAS NO BOUNDARIES, NO MORAL COMPASS...and I suspect that the next time he has stress, anxiety, or whatever (which is basically life!), he will find some other self-destructive way to deal with it and take me and my children as collateral damage AGAIN!!!
It really stinks when you realize that maybe this WASN'T about you, but rather some personality defect in the WS. Because, like I told WH, great, you're remorseful and want to reconcile now and you're getting therapy to address your issues... BUT... what happens 5,10,15 years down the road when you are stressed out again?! Can you say "no" this time or not?! Such a difficult position to be in.
Tell him you remember a traumatic time in your childhood when you were 9 years old and your parents wouldn't get you that puppy you wanted... so to soothe that pain, you went on ahead and fucked Raule the pool boy and feel much better.
Maybe when he sees how nonsensical this FOO stuff really is, it might instigate him into getting help, getting in IC and working on his issues.
Please don't let a blameshifting, stubborn headed WH bring down your spirits. This problem is 100% HIM. He needs to stop coddling himself (or others that may be coddling him) and deal with these issues head-on.
No more "I didn't think it would hurt you" BS. Put on your bitch-boots if necessary!
Good luck to you!
These people are too damaged and not worth risking myself or my children for, no matter how many years of therapy they are in.
It is so reassuring to be here on SI sometimes because it helps to know I'm not alone in this hellish nightmare.
F'n man up, own your choices and get busy trying to fix what you broke!
Now he has crossed the line with A and we are not covering for him he is at a loss what to do. He actually told my daughter in a text yesterday that he felt he was being treated like dirt! He wants to have his cake and eat it.
Well that ain't happening!!!!
I also reckon he told OW a load of bull thinking he would get away with it and always look like perfect adored stepdad but because he was caught before he was ready its all back fired.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave......."