...And I suppose this is one of them "trigger" things. Anytime my mom is mentioned, I get such a wide range of mixed feelings. At one moment, I'm angry and bitter about it, at the next, I want to reach out to her and have a mother in my life.
When I was little, I seemed to have been more like my father. Tomboyish, you could say. My dad and mom divorced due to my mother's infidelity, as well as her not being repentant about it at all and continuing it. Last I know, she's still married to this man.
My dad fought hard to receive custody of us, and it was split 50/50. In the end though, I ended up seeing my dad more once I got older.
I've just been thinking about how much shit my dad went through for me lately. Gaining even partial custody was a struggle, and it took literally my mom's side of the family testifying for my dad for him to be granted that. If that didn't happen, I only wonder how much more different I'd be right now.
I'd say my dad is overall a good person. He does love and care for me, and I felt closer to my dad, but not as much as I'd like. His way of dealing with things that upset or bother him is humor. Often for this reason, I had a hard time opening up about anything. And I mean anything. The name of the video game I'm playing, what kind of music I listen to, what I like to draw, etc. Anything I had any interest in was eventually mocked, so I just kept it to myself. I understand that parents don't like typical rebellious teenager music, but I wouldn't even share the names of things.
Anyways, my poor dad's struggle wasn't over. After a lengthy custody battle, with my mom and her AP trying to frame him for untrue things (placing pot in his workshed, accusing him of domestic violence, etc.), he went through two more marriages. Both ended in divorce. Both just up and left him one day. One even blameshifted to me, explaining one of her reasons is that she "just couldn't deal with my bedwetting problem". So, even though I know it's complete bullshit now, it still hurts that someone would stoop so low to attack me for a problem I couldn't control.
After my parent's divorce, my mom as I knew her completely changed. Sure, six year olds don't know much about their parents, but she became so distant. I don't know if it's the fog that got to her, or if she felt she was too deep in the shit to ever pull herself out, so might as well go with it. She doesn't talk to any of her family. It was to the point that my cousins were confused when I had to explain that my current stepmother isn't actually my mother. She didn't even know them.
She took the gift-giving route to trying to buy her kids. But after awhile, she started to just set me up. Sometimes we'd make plans for say, having a dinner, but when the time would come to pick me up from my dad's, it was a no call, no show. She wouldn't answer her calls or texts, either. If she couldn't do it, fine, but let me know!
When I was with her, I went through a series of abusive events. My aunt, who seems to be a polar opposite of my mom, has said that the AP (my "stepfather") had slapped me once. Enough to fall back from the event. I don't quite remember this, though. What I do remember is...neglect? It's odd, because it wasn't like I was starved or anything. I'd explain a few things that happened over my mom's house:
-I wasn't allowed to be in other areas of the house other than my room and the bathroom. Nothing "bad" ever happened if I just snuck into the other rooms or anything, but I was just often scolded.
-Dinner was brought to me in my room.
-I slept in a sleeping bag there. There was originally plans to get me a proper bed, but they never fell through. I suppose the reasoning was because I was a bedwetter. My dad ended up actually building me a bed for me to have there.
-Speaking of that sleeping bag, it wasn't always washed.
-Almost anything and everything was blamed on me. The computer got adware on it? It was PNR! The shower curtains became brown stained due to my mom and AP's filthy smoking? It was PNR wiping her ass on it! (Seriously, wtf)
-I got the short end of the stick for everything. At our old house, my sister, my stepsister, and I each had a dog. For whatever reason, I wasn't allowed to keep my dog because "there wasn't enough room". The house we were moving in had a larger backyard...
I guess in a way, she was ashamed of me. Like I was something that needed to be kept hidden.
I'm second place to my sister. She loved my sister and her cheerleading squad. Trip? Paid for by her. Uniforms? Taken care of. Anything and everything she ever needed. Me? Eeeeeeeeeehhhh. Here's a video game, now go play.
Among other things. I guess I'm triggered hard right now is because I came from this. I should know better. I saw what shit my dad went through. I didn't have first-hand experience, but I watched as my family was flopped upside down, the cost of an unremorseful wayward, and how my dad had THREE marriages fail the same way.
I beat myself up because I am no better. I guess I'm "better" in the sense that I'm remorseful, and have done a lot of things right amending my brokeness. I'm attending IC, I've have strict NC for both As, I didn't TT, any blameshifting my BBF tried to place on himself was instantly corrected. ("If only I told you that I wasn't comfortable." "You didn't say you were uncomfortable because you TRUSTED me. And it was me, not you, that ruined that.") My only misstep was not revealing details due to some bad advice, but since my BBF needs this to heal, I'm now an open book.
But am I really no better than the monster that bred me? My biggest fear right now is becoming like my mom. The last I've seen with her is that she was with her man, in a miserable and broken home. They don't even sleep in the same room, and spent all time away from each other. It seems the karma train finally caught up to speed.
Will the karma train catch up to me? Or do I get a pass for being a "better" wayward?
