My husband had an emotional affair (although they did heavy petting). It lasted 25 days in September, and was well on its way to becoming sexual (he had condoms and Viagra ready).
I work at a restaurant one night a week, which would be more if my baby took a bottle. Last Saturday I worked until 3:30am, which has never happened before. I arrived at 4am and was badgered with questions such as " who were you out having sex with?" He finally dropped it.
I sent him a text the other day asking what time he would be home Friday. He texted back 5:30ish. I responded that I was making plans for Friday evening with a friend. (This is in fact unusual for me, but I'm currently trying to acquire a non-mom related existence. Did I mention he said he loves me only as the mother of his children?) He immediately called me and said he thought we were supposed to do something Friday. I reminded him that he said we couldn't afford to this week. He said that if I was going to spend money going out on Friday anyhow then why can't we just go out together. I felt like he was just behaving paranoid, like maybe my plans were not in fact innocent. (They were.)
Last night we were at my daughters nativity pageant. I told him I was going to take the baby in my car, and he could take our 4 and 5 year old girls. The 5 year old announced that she wanted to ride with me. I sighed and he noticed my disappointment. I told him I wanted to go someplace she could not go. He quickly became inquisitive, wanting to know where I was going to go. I said I couldn't say there because we were in a church. Angrily he said I had to tell him. I know he was thinking the worst, like I was stopping off to see someone else or something. I whispered to him that I wanted to stop off at the adult novelty store to get something we had talked about a couple of days prior.
So, now I'm kind of enjoying the fact that he is getting a little freaked out. He has shown no remorse for the affair, only saying he's sorry he hurt me and he thought the marriage was dead. He doesn't feel sorry for making out with her, for being with her, for "petting" her and getting himself "petted". In fact, he truly believes that we would not be where we are today had he not had an affair. That is straight up bullshit. He could have quit pissing me off with his 2+ time a week drunk driving episodes, for example.
I'm now of the opinion that I should gently encourage his head to race with thoughts of me doing what he did. No, I wouldn't actually do anything. But at some point I would remind him that he doesn't think what he did was wrong so why would me doing it be any different?
Is it bad that I encourage his paranoia. I really need him to feel remorse for the actions of the affair, even if it means him questioning my current actions. Or will this just blow up in my face?