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I don't want to do this!

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NotFixable posted 12/12/2013 22:13 PM

I met my divorce lawyer this morning. I know this is the only option I have. WH told me he was done with me and doesn't love me at all. There's nothing left, at least for him. I just want to die, this pain is so bad! How can I still love the jackass after what he has put me through? He moved out on Sunday and every single night since, I've sat here crying and secretly wishing he would either show up unannounced to tell me everything is going to be fine, he does love me and he is finished with HER, or that he will at least call to check on me. I know how stupid this is. I know, but I can't stop. I want to call him and beg him to come back home, but so far I've managed to fight that impulse. Every time I start to pick up the phone, I force myself to remember the cold look on his face when he told me that no, he doesn't love me. Why can't I let go as easily as he did?

jemimapd posted 12/12/2013 22:23 PM

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 10:28 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Lola7 posted 12/12/2013 22:24 PM

You can't let this go as easily as he did because you are a rational thinking, loving human being. I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally understand what you are feeling right now. Take a breath, relax for a minute. You will be fine. You really will be. I'm a month out and way better than I was when he first lowered the boom on me.

Others will be here with much better words than I. ((Hugs))

jemimapd posted 12/12/2013 22:27 PM


You did the right thing going to an attorney. It is hard but also empowering. Your WH has been in control for a long time but that is about to change.

The pain is awful. I was divorced 2 weeks ago and I was on the phone crying tonight to my sister-in-law. She gets it, her first husband was unfaithful.

Try not to sit on your own. Go out, see a friend, pick up the home, post here. Yes, you need to grieve but it really helps to process the pain by talking. A feeling is not a fact and you can tell yourself things that aren't true.

Why can't I let go as easily as he did?

He hasn't let go. He hasn't acted in an emotionally mature or honest way. He has just jumped into a situation, not a real relationship, that makes him feel good because it is founded on instant gratification. You just have to let it play out.

Please don't call him. Keep the focus on you and people who have your best interests at heart.

Thriving posted 12/12/2013 22:28 PM

(((NotFixable))) Honey, I wish I could take your pain away. I remember how bad it was. I can promise you that it will get immensely better with time.

You're showing how strong you really are by not calling him. I know it doesn't feel like you're strong, but you really are.

Try to remember that he's been 'letting go' a lot longer than you have. He started when the idea of an A first entered his pea-brain so he's had a lot more practice at it. Don't worry! You'll catch up. Probably right about the time he starts wondering if he made the biggest mistake of his life.

In the mean time, be extra gentle with yourself. Make sure you're taking care of you! Post whenever you need someone to talk to. I know that the holidays are extra hard and I'm planning on being on-line and around SI-land when I can.

SBB posted 12/13/2013 01:44 AM

He hasn't let go. He hasn't acted in an emotionally mature or honest way. He has just jumped into a situation, not a real relationship, that makes him feel good because it is founded on instant gratification. You just have to let it play out.

^^THIS. He hasn't let go of anything - he is taking his brokenness on to his next victim. Like a parasite who needs a new host.

I remember wondering how he could have detached from me so easily because even after his betrayals I had a hard time detaching - I would have given my right arm to see the man I loved and married again, just one more time. I'm mourning it like a death now.

Truth is he had detached from me long before DD, long before I even noticed it. I spent almost 5 years wondering what the hell I did wrong. I was missing a big piece of the puzzle - he is a fuckedup, broken piece of shit. He was always going to cheat on his wife, I was just unlucky enough to have married him.

Please know they don't cheat because we are not enough - they cheat because they aren't. Someone who loves themselves doesn't do this kind of thing.


BrokenRock posted 12/13/2013 04:57 AM

Sorry you have to experience this. I am going through the same event and know exactly what pain you are in. I have been on SI for about 4 days and look at it a lot. It is a time for you to seek out advice,vent, and get support. I have never experienced a pain as intense as the one I have with my wife asking for a divorce and then I found out she was cheating on me. Even after all she has done I still look for the reassurance of a text message or call to see how I am doing or to say lets fix is a fantasy. The person you married is not their anymore and may never come back. They do not care about you and are actually incensed that this is hurting you. They will blame you for the choice they have made. All we can do is detach, use 180, and work to rebuild ourselves. There is a lot of experience in these forums and all say that it will get better. I believe that but it does not seem so when the event is so new. Time will heal. Good luck. Keep us updated. You are not alone.

cantaccept posted 12/13/2013 05:43 AM

I hope that I can offer you some comfort. I will try.

I have been going through this for over a year now. It has been the hardest and most painful journey of my life. Hearing others say it gets better is so hard to comprehend.

Oddly, I am at a place that I never could have conceived of, even yesterday. This has been a year of growth for me. Growth that I never even realized that I needed to do before. I have finally come to acceptance. The life I was settling for was not even close to what I deserved. IC, reading, posting here, really facing my internal thoughts and beliefs. I feel like I finally have a chance for an honest and fulfilling life. I don't know what that will look like yet but I have hope back.

I understand that desire to have your husband back. My husband left me for ow for two months and then came back. It has been hell. I was giving everything and he was not invested. He does not have the capacity to love or be a good partner at this point. Maybe he never will.

As recently as yesterday, we decided to separate on Monday, I was in a pit of despair. Grieving I suppose.

I think all of the internal work that I have been doing for me just clicked. I actually have peace with this decision. I am able to see that my life will be better without him. All of a sudden I see, "why would I want a man so badly that does not feel the same for me?", "why would I want to give myself so cheaply?"

It really is him, not you. We are so hard on ourselves after this betrayal. Even though our heads know, our hearts just cannot believe it is not our fault some how. Our thoughts hurt us after dday. Tell yourself over and over all the good about you. It takes time but it does work.

I recently started a book, still working through it but it helped me to shift my thoughts. It is called, "Living and Loving after Betayal", by Steven Stosny. He offers very concrete methods of helping you change the meaning of what has happened. I has helped me.

I wish that I could offer more but just know that it will get better. It will get better no matter what the outcome. I didn't believe it either.

I didn't believe it yesterday! I know now that the emotions are changeable. The lows are followed by levels if not highs. I know now that when I am in a pit it is temporary, it really is, I promise. You have the power in yourself to heal yourself. It is not easy but the outcome can be better than you ever imagined.

It is such a selfish thing to do to someone you are supposed to love. The thing of it is someone that does this is not a healthy person. Please know, know in your heart, it is not you. You did nothing wrong. You are strong, be proud of yourself for not calling him. You are honoring yourself.

One thing that helped me, I am a mother and have always been better at protecting my children than myself. When I am in doubt, feeling bad about myself, I try to ask, "if I was talking to my child, my daughter and she was telling me the events or these feelings in her heart, what would I tell her?"

It helps me to be kinder to myself.

It will get better. I wish none of us had to go through this pain.

NotFixable posted 12/14/2013 17:06 PM

Thanks everyone! It does help to know I'm not alone in this journey through hell! You all give me hope that I'm not always going to feel this way. I was very weak earlier today and broke down and texted him. We had some back & forth about bills and such, then I asked him how he could be this heartless to do this to me, rip my heart out and stomp on it. How can he walk away from his family that loves him so much? He never responded to that. And yes, I've beat myself up all afternoon for breaking NC. I can't take it back now though. I just can't believe that he can know exactly what I'm going through and just not care at all. That alone should make it easier to let go, but it doesn't.

(((BrokenRock))) Dude, I feel for you! Guess we should take comfort in knowing we are in the same boat. From what everyone says, we will survive this and become stronger people for it. I just wish we could fast forward through this and end up at that point now!

yestopants posted 12/14/2013 17:45 PM

I think you did amazing. You are strong! I am having a hard time letting go too (as you know from my posts). I slipped a little yesterday too. Today I am starting fresh with NC and the thing I realized is I NEED it (so I am going to learn to take it!). The world they created will fall apart or maybe it won't, but we can make our reality so much better (without heartless people to drag us down). I believe in you! Keep up the great work!

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