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Really, really hurting

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Marathonwaseasy posted 12/13/2013 05:31 AM

3 months post dday
I know it's nothing really
That was a Friday 13th too - I'm trying to avoid the obvious superstitious association. It was good that I found out.

We have come so far in 3 months. He went NC immediately. He wanted to anyway but wasn't strong enough as OW used every manipulation in the book. He had about a week of fog then completely crashed. He has acknowledged he is ill. He is so much better with doing everything right and taking his medication. He was deluded (even more than every other WH). He has been mentally very unwell for years and the A was a symptom to some extent. He is the perfect remorseful husband.

I'm going to IC and am learning all about me and getting healthier in my way of dealing with my family. MC is planned for the new year.

We had a very tough day yesterday. Facing pre A stuff relating to his illness and our maladaptive responses to it and deep pain he has from how he was treated when he was first ill and in hospital. He blamed/blames me for not protecting him from very cruel treatment. I just didn't know how to at the time and was reeling. He forgives me but the pain has festered for years. He is not using this as an excuse for his A but that was the start for him of the disintegration of us. We have found us again.

But I'm hurting so bad. I'm so sad. I have such a burden regarding caring for him and helping him face his illness. I love him so much. I am so hurt by his betrayal (words can't express that completely)

I do believe we will R. But I'm scared of this road ahead.

LA44 posted 12/13/2013 06:50 AM

A hug for you ((marathon)). R is daunting....try to take it one little bit at a time so you don't get overwhelmed. You know what they say? How do you eat an elephant? A little at a time.

There's your metaphor of the day.


SisterMilkshake posted 12/13/2013 07:37 AM

First, hugs ((((Marathonwaseasy))))), now stop beating yourself up.

I know. Easier said then done. Guilt has been my shadow for a long time regarding the death of our son, so I know what I am talking about. Logically, I know I did the best I could with the knowledge I had, but and many buts and ifs. None of us are perfect and we don't have the gift of hindsight until it is too late.

Second, you must not put off your own self care and just focus on your WH. Can you think of specific things your WH can do that would help you feel better? Is he capable of doing these things?

I am so sorry that you have this double burden of not only healing yourself but having (and wanting) to help your WH deal with his illness.

I feel MC will (if they are good MC's) help you get some relief from your pain. Sometimes it will get worse before it gets better. Don't give up. It all has to be cleaned out before it can start afresh.

blakesteele posted 12/13/2013 08:37 AM


But I'm scared of this road ahead.

I pray for courage many times a day...this road is a scary one...especially in the begining.

I am finding it less scary 16 months out....kind of like a seasoned warrior. I am nowhere close to "seal team 6" courageous, but am so much more courageous than I was upon my DD, 3 months out, 6 months out, etc..

You are gaining courage every day too.

Try to discern when you are able to help your husband and when he has to step up on his own.

I haven't mastered this task own habits push me to jump in and help my wife with more than I should or can. This prolongs us getting to a healthy balance and keeps each of us from maturing as we should. I think my desire to help her is NOT healthy maturity, it comes from an immaturity in me...a fear in me. I am tired of living in has not served me well.

So I pray for courage....courage is the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. CONFRONTING is NOT coping. Confronting is processing through. That is where my committment is now.

I can do can too! We have shown we can choose to be courageous...unfortunately, it is not a one time is daily and sometimes hourly!

Hang in there...we got your back!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:42 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 12/13/2013 08:41 AM


I pray for courage many times a day.
Be careful what you pray for, blakesteele. I have found when I pray for patience, I seem to always get challenges to test my patience. The same with courage. I always pray(ed) for peace and serenity. Never seems to be tested. end t/j

blakesteele posted 12/13/2013 08:43 AM

(((sistermilkshake))) smile.

I trust God will not give me more than He and I can handle!!!!

I think this is well placed trust!

God be with us all.

Marathonwaseasy posted 12/13/2013 08:45 AM

Just met fwh for lunch and we took a detour into a very nice shoe shop and he bought me some seriously sexy ankle boots

Am I really shallow but I feel a wee bit better as a result?

(I have much better legs than OW)

[This message edited by Marathonwaseasy at 8:47 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 12/13/2013 08:50 AM

Love, love, love shoe therapy. Your WH does have some wisdom. I bet your legs look kickass in them!

catlover50 posted 12/13/2013 14:19 PM

((( marathon))))

I have let retail therapy help me since Dday; never really spoiled ME before. Let my H buy for me without guilt; have a very nice diamond bracelet I wear every minute.

Any thing that helps. I took a hot bath every single day for over a year--called it my "hug"; truly couldn't stay in a hotel room without a tub. Now I can actually shower if necessary; it gets easier.

Spoil yourself now and then; you deserve it!

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