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becoming friends with fear

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nealos posted 12/13/2013 08:45 AM

I'm reflecting on this passage this morning. I feel compelled to share it:

Human security does not exist. almost all of human misery stems from resisting that fact of life. …All of therapy and recovery is about coming to terms with fear. Becoming friends with fear means we reframe our fears into opportunities for learning. Concretely this means:

- Accepting our human limits and making mistakes

- Seeking challenges for self-improvement and excellence

- Being true to ourselves

- Cultivating an inner observer that gives us the psychological distance to know when we are over or under reacting

- Having rules of thought which help our mind discern what really needs our attention

- Accepting at our core that we can change some things and we cannot other things (and to spend time at the latter is high risk and a potential bargain with chaos)

- Having another set of rules of thought (and coping skills) to cultivate resilience (that being the ability to take the worst of life and make it a way to grow)

- Accepting at our core that nothing really matters except that which matters

- Committing to whatever it takes to make our lives better (our shoulds becoming musts)

- Knowing skills for quieting the mind

…I have a hard time with all of these, but recently it's been "accepting that I can't change some things and to spend time trying is high risk and a potential bargain with chaos." My big one?.. Well, I still fantasize that my ex fiancee would come back to me. It's been over 18mo since she sent me packing. It's not happening. The reality is that she has a new relationship, she is happy, she doesn't reach out to me (nor does she respond to me when I reach out), and she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. I make a case in my mind almost every single day for why it could work… why it SHOULD work. I used to make that case 5x/day, so at least that's progress. I've tried to wholly accept the reality of that relationship ending a dozen times... I've tried to say/act like it's final, hoping that my heart will follow… but I still haven't been able to let go completely. There's still something somewhere within me that won't give up without an epic fight. I don't know if I hate that part of me or love it! It's a good sign that I have resilience in there somewhere-- I have the ability to fight for something that is only in my heart. Maybe someday I'll learn to let that resilience serve me in a healthier way.

I'm still broken, guys. The good news is that I'm not scared of being broken anymore. I accept that I have human limits, and I don't hate myself for having them. I love myself more and more for who I really am at my core. It feels really good. :)

sunnyrain posted 12/13/2013 09:38 AM

Thank you so much for sharing the information on friending fear! Very helpful.

I'm glad that it has helped you to make some progress in your own situation.

I know it will help me too.

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