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Helen of Troy posted 12/13/2013 09:13 AM

The hardest classes I have ever taken, I took. Anyone ever logged hundreds of study hours only to not have it pay off? How about watching people who barely have to study at all and make As? It's not very pleasant.
Ongoing drama with xwh and ow/nw me of course being the blame for everything bad that happens. Him not co parenting and cancelling his once a month visit like 3 days before it was to happen. Totally wrecking my plans and not a thing I can do about it.
Teen DD being a victim of a violent crime.
SO of one year breaking up with me, not due to abuse, nor dishonesty nor someone else. Puzzling! I get downgraded to Friend Zone. SO insisting to help me (and still helping) with house stuff like repair and remodel, brings me chocolate, brought and cooked dinner for me and kids day after the dd crime when I was so upset, hugged and comforted me etc.. Me accepting all this because I am desperate to get house market ready to get my equity out in one year. One night kids not there, we had a bonfire and wine after working on house. He went home and texted me his apt thermostat was broken and the temp was bad. I invite him over in my wine induced state for a FWB. He turns me down. Each time he comes over to help I am visually reminded that he found me not good enough to keep being his SO. I planned to be with him again this holiday and now obviously not.
I will be alone for the holiday.
If possible I will go to an ashram but cost is probably going to prevent that.
In spite of compliments at work from coworkers, boss and the public we serve, they will not promote me. I am stuck in a support position. All I want to do is jump that wall to the next class. My job is repetitious and about to drive me batty. My only relief are tasks I enjoy given to me from the dept accountant but that is not daily. Yes I have made it quite known these feelings, still nothing. Nota.
SI these things nearly caused me a mental breakdown. It feels like I just got by with the skin of my teeth. I wish I could tell all women, (and men too)that please please please think twice before marrying and giving up career to be a stay at home parent. If your partner is later unfaithful and you divorce, you're basically **cked. Your children will also suffer as will your mental health. Maybe some people have huge extended family around to help and support but people like me do not. One parent that's it who lives out of town and now his health is not great so he can't help with physical stuff much either. Over Thanksgiving asking him to spray paint chairs caused him to get a blister and he made a drama about it.

Does anyone here understand?

nowiknow23 posted 12/13/2013 11:23 AM

(((((Helen))))) I understand, honey.

Newlease posted 12/13/2013 11:23 AM

First - you poor thing! That is a big load to be carrying.

Let's break it down. I have no advice about your X or the co-parenting. I was past that stage by the time my D happened.

If your SO has stepped back, try to look at it as a bullet dodged. Remember it's not about you - it's about him. As for helping you out, let him do it as long as you can stand it because it advances one of your goals - selling the house.

As for the promotion, I made the leap from support staff to technical staff by being willing to market myself outside of my current job. I was willing to look for opportunities and apply for things with other companies. I also had some really good mentors. Of course that was 10 years ago and the job market is not that great right now.

You can't lament the decision to be a SAHM. That time you had with your children was a gift - it built a strong foundation for all of you. It sucks right now, but this will pass.

Try to take care of yourself. Even a couple of hours to yourself with no one pulling at you can help.

Sending strength and peace.


jo2love posted 12/13/2013 18:58 PM


NaiveAgain posted 12/14/2013 08:08 AM

(((Helen))) I am so sorry --- that is so much to have to deal with, especially at the holiday season when things tend to hit harder.

Each time he comes over to help I am visually reminded that he found me not good enough to keep being his SO
It has nothing to do with not being good enough. It just means "not currently right for each other."

I am learning that we choose partners pertaining to the place in life that we are. An alcoholic needs a codependent. An abuser needs a victim. When I needed to be a victim, I chose an abusive partner. That didn't last too long (thank goodness) but then apparently I needed someone to save me. I chose a KISA. Once the chinks in his armor became apparent, I moved on to an alcoholic and now my current SO. I have a lot of partners to choose from, but each time, I chose one that felt "right" to me. They felt right at the time because they were the partner(s) I needed in order to work on my issues.

Current SO. After we got past his superficial reasons for starting down that slippery slope to his EA's, we realized he wasn't running TO someone, he was running AWAY. He was running away from me because to him, he feels that love should be shown to him by treating him badly. That is how he was raised. Since I treated him well, he didn't understand that type of love and it made him very uncomfortable.

So, please don't internalize that you are not good enough. You just are in different places in your life-growth. There is just something in your (X)SO that is not allowing him to work on the issues he needs to be working on with you.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:00 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

caregiver9000 posted 12/15/2013 09:57 AM


The thing that sticks out for me is your situation with DD. OMG. How is she? How are you? Is that a really recent thing, because the ripples of dealing with that could be more than enough on a plate.

Your SO is obviously making a choice because of something in his life. You are great, and he is still friendly. If friendly is uncomfortable for you, send him on! You do what is right for you.

When I get overwhelmed, and from your list you have every right to be overwhelmed! But it helps me to turn around and make a list of all the blessings, the things that are going right and that I HAVE. It forces me to shift perspective.

(((so many many hugs))) I would pop over and make you tea if I could.

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