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What was the moment you realized you were done with your A?

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Alyssamd24 posted 12/13/2013 09:49 AM

I am curious to see what event or moment finally snapped the WS out of the fog and made them realize it was time to change.

From all I have read it seems that feeling "addicted" to the A and being stuck in the fog is common for many of us WS...So what was it that finally snapped you back into reality?

sunnyrain posted 12/13/2013 09:59 AM

I ended my A because I wasn't being true to myself.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 10:02 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Aubrie posted 12/13/2013 10:05 AM

*sigh* This is humiliating.

AP4 and I communicated hours daily. It was a very rapid progression from emails, to IMs, to pictures, to webcam.

I can't bear to write what was said, but more or less, on a Friday before we said our goodbyes for the weekend, I was going to completely withdraw everything from QS, as AP was looking for a good excuse to come to my town so we could consummate and wanted "all" of me.

There was a rock in the pit of my stomach. I realized all this "harmless" back and forth was actually very real. I was burned by the "game". Could I really do that to QS? Did I really want to go that far? What about my marriage? Was I willing to throw it all away? QS doesn't deserve this. Just how screwed up was I that I would even consider something like this!? QS needs to know who I really am.

I confessed.

Doesn't mean I was out of the fog. I came to SI four days after confession and promptly got leveled by veteran 2x4s, kicked out of the Recon forum, and my feet held to the fire. I'll say it still took about a month and a half for me to get a real clue. Took about 2-3 months to break the "addiction" feeling. To where I didn't feel like I had to contact the AP.

Alyssamd24 posted 12/13/2013 10:10 AM

Thank you sunnyrain.

I realized I should answer the question myself.

My moment was after my BH let me move back home and found out I was still involved with my AP. I told the AP he should tell his BW the truth before my BH did....AP told me he did and then spent the rest of the day telling me how upset she was and he didn't know if he would have to leave..he told me that if I called my boss and resigned immediately she wouldn't say or do anything to me.

The exact moment was when I realized my AP was allowing me to text her so he could quickly erase the text before she saw it....suddenly all the lying and manipulation came to light and I realized it was time to protect my BH and my marriage, rather than my AP. It was such an "AHA" moment for me!

Alyssamd24 posted 12/13/2013 10:12 AM

Thank you Aubrie!

authenticnow posted 12/13/2013 14:12 PM

Unfortunately, there are several. This is out of sequence because LD found out about the last one first, and then the others through my TT.

OM #3 (PA)- The minute LD called me and said, "When you get home you're going to tell me who the fuck R is!" I knew then it was over. I felt relieved. Sounds stupid but I know other WSs will understand...I wanted to end it with OM. I intended to, but I ended it and kept going back a lot of times. When LD found out I knew this was it. Time to face my crap and deal with my life. I wasn't strong enough to do it before that.

OM#2 (PA)- After d-day from OM#3, OM#2 and I were in contact occasionally. I stopped by where he worked and told him no more, I couldn't talk to him anymore (because LD had found out about OM#3 and I was in damage-control mode). (We had stopped the physical part but were hanging on I guess in dribs in drabs with contact). One day he came into where I worked and motioned for me to call him. I did and he talked about getting together, he missed me, etc. I told him no more, that we couldn't talk anymore, I was done. (LD didn't know about him at this point)

OM#1 (EA)- After ending it on our own and 8 months of NC I called him. Drunk, weepy, emotional. We talked for about an hour and ended it with 'let's keep in touch'. Then I got an email from a mutual online acquaintance to leave him alone, he's happy now, in a relationship, to just stop it, that I was a shitty friend to her and to him. I sent him a long, emotional (pathetic) email saying I wouldn't contact him again, and some other ridiculous shit that shouldn't have been said.

In between all this was an OM that was possibly on its way to a PA, starting with kissing one day. That one ended when I called his house when I thought his wife was at work and she answered and told me to leave her family alone and please stop contacting her husband.

Writing this all out makes me realize how extreme and sad and selfish my behaviors were at that time, and how broken I was. Just, wow.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:13 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

Mrs Panda posted 12/13/2013 16:41 PM

OM#1. Not totally sure. Just got bored with him.

OM2. He dumped me.

Notice both my reasons had nothing to do with my BH or my values. Something I later and still find very sad and disturbing.

Trying2FindMyWay posted 12/13/2013 16:41 PM

At this very moment I am searching for my moment. Trying to hold on to the hours of NC that I have under my belt.

authenticnow posted 12/13/2013 16:54 PM

Hi Trying,

Welcome to SI.

I encourage you to start your own thread if you are comfortable doing so. If not, just keep reading and finding strength from others.

You'll find a lot of very good support here. We're here for you.


MissesJai posted 12/13/2013 17:02 PM

It was while I was in STL visiting him. We spent 6 days together and I was miserable the entire time. It was then that I knew I was done - I was just too much of a coward to actually end it. I had to get caught.

sunnyrain posted 12/13/2013 17:19 PM

Hi Trying! You can do it! Rooting for you and your M.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/14/2013 10:41 AM

This question is a gut punch, but I'll be brutally honest. In the initial couple weeks after DDay, BH and I flip-flopped on what exactly the nature of our M was going to be. Were we going to open the M? Observe strict monogamy for the first time in our M? I was deeply addicted to AP so I broke NC early on, and didn't give up hope of seeing him again till BH insisted I out AP to his BW.

What snapped me out of the fog.was fear of losing my BH and fracturing our family. Detoxing from AP, though, was more a matter of time than an a-ha moment for me, I'm sorry to say. Looking back, I can't believe I'm the same person I was, 8 months ago. In many ways, I'm not.

floridaredman posted 12/14/2013 14:38 PM

Looking back, I can't believe I'm the same person I was, 8 months ago. In many ways, I'm not.

slight t/j

8 months ago I thought you were not serious about changing at all..just here for show. You proved me wrong and I'm glad you did.

end of t/j

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/14/2013 17:41 PM

t/j response

FRM, to "show" y'all what a delusional blameshifting bitch I was? Which is why I never count out even the most head-up-ass newbies. BTDT. Long way to go.

Thanks. Everyone.

end t/j

EvolvingSoul posted 12/15/2013 00:47 AM

I was not one to give up AP right away. I went NC but was honest about being ambivalent. I wish that had not been the case, but it was. During that time I read a lot here on SI and started IC. My D-day was in June and it was not until Thanksgiving that I made up my mind to try for reconciliation.

I remember the moment very clearly.

It was the day before Thanksgiving and I was on my way home from the store. I stopped by an old favorite lookout point overlooking the ocean and while I was there I started talking to an old man. We chatted about the beautiful weather and Thanksgiving. He was there to spend it with his daughter who lived just a block away. Somehow he got to talking about his ex-wife. She was not spending the holiday with the daughter. He said they had been divorced for a long time because she had insisted on having a boyfriend as well as a husband. That is pretty much what I had been doing for the past three years, at that point.

I asked him if he was over it, and he said that he was, but that it took a long time and that God had played a big part in his recovery. He had never remarried but he said he dated frequently and was happy with his life.

Then I asked about his ex-wife, if she was still with the AP she had left him for. Oh, no, he said, she's been through several men since then, and still is not happy. She's never going to be happy.

That guy has no idea how much he helped me that day. I went home and wrote a NC letter that night. Turned out to take another three months to get the letter right and send it, but that day overlooking the ocean was the day I decided that I was really done with AP, and that I really needed to find and fix the broken piece within me whether I stayed with BS or not.

The finding and fixing is a work in progress.

Trying33 posted 12/15/2013 05:59 AM

On D-day, AP called me whilst his wife was there (he'd given me the heads up the night before that this would happen and I were to just go along with everything he said, I agreed as this kinda thing had happened before but then the A just went further underground).

On the phone he told me that his wife had found out and that she had asked him to never have any contact with me ever again. I agreed (as I knew she was listening and I was on loudspeaker). I didn't say anything apart from hmmm and yes and okay.

She snatched the phone off him and started hurling abuse.. "You should be ashamed of yourself, what kind of a person have your parents raised, women like you go for married men because you're shameless and have no morals, I have every intention of telling your poor husband what kind of woman he's married to".

I was shaking so badly, I didn't know what to say. NO ONE had ever spoken to me like that in my whole life.

Here's the moment I knew it was over:

AP said nothing.

All the declarations of love. All the undying affections and soulmate chats. All the I can never live without you's. It was all a lie. A Joke. I was a JOKE.

I said goodbye to AP the next day and there's been NC since.

Alyssamd24 posted 12/15/2013 06:38 AM

Thanks for the replies!!!
I guess I should clarify. ...even though I had my moment where I knew I had to end my A I didn't just quickly get over my AP.

I did go NC with him that day and haven't spoken with him or his wife since then. But dealing with the emotional NC is still something I struggle with on a daily basis.

RuinedEverything posted 12/15/2013 18:34 PM

I had a very long LTA of nearly 8 years. Mostly an emotional affair. I think the moment I realized that I no longer loved OM was this one kiss. He kissed me and I nearly vomited. I realized then that my feelings for him weren't what they use to be. It took me a long time after that, nearly a year and a half, to finally end things. I didn't want to hurt him because I knew how he felt about me. That year and a half I avoided him and talking to him as much as I could but the thought of him made me feel more and more sick with every given day. I finally ended it in the most cowardly way possible. I told him I just wanted to be friends and in turn I changed my number and blocked him for any and all social media, IM etc. I regret how I did it but I can't change it now. I confessed to my husband a year and a half after I cut off all contact.

Fallout posted 12/15/2013 21:02 PM

I was exhausted and tired of living a lie. After a particularly volatile fight with my AP, I knew I needed to confess and move on from the affair somehow. I finally worked up the courage to confess to my BS the next day after being completely fed up. I was not really prepared at all, I just knew it needed to be over and done. It's still a struggle, but I have the love and support of my BS and we're working through it!

Darkness Falls posted 12/15/2013 21:27 PM

When I was caught.

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