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Bad Day..Again, despite meds

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lucy17 posted 12/13/2013 10:43 AM

I lost my mind one month ago. I hit my husband when he tried to restrain me from knocking things off counter. I tried to hurt myself--to make my outside look like my insides. So now I'm on meds and I feel more in control, more "normal." But this has been a rough week. My car is in the shop so I have to drive around in the truck he had sex with her in, I had to endure a conversation among friends about AP (at least it was all negative things about her...doesn't sound like there is a lot of positive), this weekend we are going out with friends that are also friends with her. I realized again last night that my WH didn't love me during the A. His love had "lessened or he wouldn't have been able to have an A." He didn't love me and I've never stopped loving him. He wasn't happy with me, with our marriage. He was physically attracted to another woman and pursued a relationship with her, sacrificing me and our marriage in the process. And that was okay because he didn't love me. I contemplated divorce last night. How can I live with someone who can just shut off love like that-who can lie and manipulate and completely disrespect me. Not only do I not trust him, I don't trust myself. I didn't know. I'm so scared. I'm so hurt. I can't imagine a time I will ever feel secure, that I will ever be okay. And I didn't know what to do--I always know what to do. I always have Plan A, B, C. And I don't. I don't know what is best for me, for my little girl. I can't believe this is my life. My best friend for half my life, the man I thought was the love of my life didn't.love.me. Reality is a bitch I could use a break from.

KatyDo posted 12/13/2013 12:12 PM

I think at times like these, you have to focus on what you can control, which is your own self, and your love for your daughter. No matter what happens, those two things will be central to your life. Focus on being okay within yourself, about yourself. Sometimes when contemplating the insanity of the wh's behaviour, it seems like we need them to be okay within ourselves. Sadly we have learned that the only person we can completely trust is ourselves. You can do this by finding the things that give you pleasure - reading, friends, movies, tv, spa, bubble bath, whatever that may be, and pursuing that, really dwelling in the space of those positive things for you. Think about your own value, rather than focusing on his valuing of you or lack thereof. Surround yourself with people who value you and notice the difference. If you find your h is not one of those people, then that is a choice you can make to not be around him if you decide you need to do that. As for hitting your h - think of the context of the situation. Is this out of character for you? If it is, it is likely something for which you feel great remorse, and which therefore will likely never happen again. Perhaps you felt you had no other way to get his attention, wrong as it is. If he is not acknowledging you, and you are going to such lengths to hurt yourself - perhaps so he can notice - then possibly he is committing emotional abuse through his lies and deceit. I know it's so hard, so I am feeling for you.

Did he tell you he pursued the relationship and that it was ok because he didn't love you? That sounds like gaslighting logic. He's trying to baffle you with bs. He made a commitment, so it's never okay to pursue such a relationship that violates the vows of marriage - even if you don't feel "in love" anymore. He always had a choice - of being honest with his feelings and the problems in the marriage, turning toward his partner vs. lying and causing you great pain through his selfishness and betrayal. I hope that helps in some way. Hang in there.

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