I know we're not in R, but we're not separated. We're just us, co-parents, me a student, him the provider. And I am ok with that.
I gave up the fight, he knows that I can't/won't leave for 3 years, once I am done with school. Things aren't bad, they just aren't marriage qualities. We are great co-parents, and that's all I see it ever being again. After my pain (once again) at the beginning of this month, I had to step back. I got some good advice from a fellow SI'r and am focusing on myself, my schooling and my kids. My marriage has gone to the bottom of my priority list. I have dragged this M behind me for 3+ years, and I am just plain tired! I have to much other stuff going on in my life to pull this M along with wh dragging behind.
He's not to happy about my decision, but understands. He seems defeated. I just don't know what else to do. He seems to get it some days, but then doesn't physically do anything to show he "gets it". We'll see if he pulls this together. I told him this marriage was on his shoulders for the next 3 years alone. I can't drag it along anymore. I am hoping to get into nursing school soon and that is a full time job alone, not to mention raising 3 kids and taking care of myself, I can't be pulling a dead marriage along all alone, so I am not. I am done. It does not mean we are done, it just means if he wants this marriage to work out (which he claims he does) he has to do all of the work for now. I need IC and a break. I need to refocus my priorities.
I look at my life and realize I am not the mom I always saw myself being. I am not happy, and I don't take care of myself. I am a craft lover and have always enjoyed doing crafts with kids, watching them grow into their own person, and using their imagination (I use to teach a toddler preschool class), we did foster care and I still did those things, but then I plummeted, and I don't enjoy those things with my own kids. I just want to get through the day to the next, and survive. I know everyday as a mom is not going to be ideal, but only have 3-5 ideal days out of a whole year screams there's a problem. My kids are to precious to me, I would regret everything if my kids grew up and I looked back and realized this then. I realize it NOW and I need to fix it! And this is the only way I can see possible.
I am almost 180ing my marriage, if that makes any sense. At least that is how I see it, I am not 180ing my wh, we are still a family, and my family is a priority, but my M is not anymore. I honestly can see it ending once I am done with school and on my own feet financially. I don't see him pulling his weight let alone some of my weight too. If he can't do it for the next couple/few years then why should I keep doing it alone?
So I guess I am no longer in R with my wh, although if I really look back, we never really truly were since my wh never really pulled his own weight in fixing his problems, and his fuck ups. I am just finally letting go, and letting God guide me in the way my life is suppose to go. If we stay married, then great we overcame a huge huge ordeal. If not, well I know I did everything I needed to do for myself and my kids. I will not feel ashamed, I will feel good and strong. I will know that I can support myself and my 3 kids and still have a quality life.
Thanks for all of the support I have received from this board. I a guess I am going back to "General" since I don't really fit anywhere else.
Good Luck everyone in a successful R, and I truly hope all of you are doing well, and your ws's know how lucky they are for this opportunity you have given them!