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Pulling yourself/myself out of Depression

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TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/13/2013 14:27 PM

Had a really awful night. Nightmares. Woke up sweating. Feel totally depressed. Hair a mess, starving. Feeling totally demolished. Had sex with WS last night. It wasn't good. Staying here, allowing myself to have him keep taking advantage of me, using me, abusing me in his neglect and unfeeling. Constant re-wounding, constant emotional abandonment and uncaring.

I am here because I'm not YET at the point where i can leave and not be sure I won't collapse. I am here because if I leave, I will have to pay this mortgage (since he has no $$) and somewhere else for me (until after the new year when the house can be put on market). I am here because I am hoping i can get him to sign a paper saying that i will get 80 percent of the house sale profits; afterall i paid all of that. Why should the SOB get 1/2 when he's been living here free for so long.

It's a big mess. And i'm so depressed today, it's all over my face. I want to go out, even to the post office, but the effort to put myself together so I don't look like an ad for depression is just that, so much effort.

I will try. Take my dogs. Drive down along snowy roads. Looks pretty out. Not too cold. I can't think of anything i can do to feel better. I know I can just be depressed and know that another day I will be better, but it hurts so much to be here. And i'm hungry, feel unwell, and am so overcome with seething anger and lack of power.

I hate him for how he has treated me. And I hate myself for participating. I hate him for being so cool, calm and collected while i'm in agony, again. No conscience, no care, no concern. It's like he's a monster. And yet i'm the one who looks nuts, here in my depression. And that makes me feel more depressed.

I hate this. I'm going to clean myself up and go to an errand or two, maybe find something I can eat. Start throwing some more stuff away, get ready for the move out of this hell house. Maybe tag things for salvation army pick up.

Sigh. This is awful. I just hate him so much, and I don't want to be there. I want to be indifferent. I was getting there, I will get there. Right now, I'm so not there. I'm livid.

sodamnlost posted 12/13/2013 14:44 PM


I'm so sorry for your pain. I can relate to so much of your post from the fall. It's such a horrible place to be in. It's annoying as crap to hear but it's the truth - it stops when you say it stops. I wallowed in my issues for a long time. I wanted to die. Somehow, inside, I WAS fighting. Slowly, day by day I started to get my bearings back. Thanksgiving was a MAJOR turn around for me and I finally out my foot down yesterday and asked WH to leave. Well, actually what I did was moved a bunch of his stuff to a place and told him to leave but I was nice about it.

Do you have support? IC? Faith you can dig into? Are you reading? journaling?

Raven96 posted 12/13/2013 14:48 PM


I am so sorry you are having a rough day today. When I have days like that I take a nap, but trying to get out of the house and enjoy this winter day is a great idea!!

Can you make some special plans for yourself for this weekend?

(((More hugs)))

seenow posted 12/13/2013 14:51 PM

Hey Agony. Our "stats" match an awful lot. It's so ridiculous how common this is. It so ridiculous that we do not get the support we need.

I am hearing you. You be STRONG! Get to that post office in your PJs and crazy hair. It's OK. Drive thru and get some food. Get the healthiest thing on the menu. Pet the dogs. I swear they understand.

One more day.....

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/13/2013 15:37 PM

thanks everyone, sodamm (saw your post earlier about asking him to leave, i think congrats are in order), raven, seenow. you're all women, i think this is also a hormonal thing for me today, this day, the first day. i'm going to safeway to buy a Pomegranate and whatever else looks edible.

I am a stress starvation person, not a stress eater. And i have the cutest dogs on the planet! (and there will be NO joint custody!)

This too shall pass (but it sure sucks!)


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