Had a really awful night. Nightmares. Woke up sweating. Feel totally depressed. Hair a mess, starving. Feeling totally demolished. Had sex with WS last night. It wasn't good. Staying here, allowing myself to have him keep taking advantage of me, using me, abusing me in his neglect and unfeeling. Constant re-wounding, constant emotional abandonment and uncaring.
I am here because I'm not YET at the point where i can leave and not be sure I won't collapse. I am here because if I leave, I will have to pay this mortgage (since he has no $$) and somewhere else for me (until after the new year when the house can be put on market). I am here because I am hoping i can get him to sign a paper saying that i will get 80 percent of the house sale profits; afterall i paid all of that. Why should the SOB get 1/2 when he's been living here free for so long.
It's a big mess. And i'm so depressed today, it's all over my face. I want to go out, even to the post office, but the effort to put myself together so I don't look like an ad for depression is just that, so much effort.
I will try. Take my dogs. Drive down along snowy roads. Looks pretty out. Not too cold. I can't think of anything i can do to feel better. I know I can just be depressed and know that another day I will be better, but it hurts so much to be here. And i'm hungry, feel unwell, and am so overcome with seething anger and lack of power.
I hate him for how he has treated me. And I hate myself for participating. I hate him for being so cool, calm and collected while i'm in agony, again. No conscience, no care, no concern. It's like he's a monster. And yet i'm the one who looks nuts, here in my depression. And that makes me feel more depressed.
I hate this. I'm going to clean myself up and go to an errand or two, maybe find something I can eat. Start throwing some more stuff away, get ready for the move out of this hell house. Maybe tag things for salvation army pick up.
Sigh. This is awful. I just hate him so much, and I don't want to be there. I want to be indifferent. I was getting there, I will get there. Right now, I'm so not there. I'm livid.