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Hand-holding through R

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Kierst13 posted 12/13/2013 15:08 PM

What I wish I had done after DDay#1. So often we read about WSss not getting it, pushing boundaries, ignoring boundaries and at times they appear to *get it* but then it turns out they were simply following rules. With that in mind I wish I had given my WS a list and explained it was not a checklist, and if he saw it as a checklist; a list of rules, then his rule following would mean little to nothing to our R efforts.

You see, giving a WS a list of boundaries and things you need to R is a double edge sword. The action to follow the rules is nice and all, but if there is no care and understanding from them for why we need these things; they are simply rules. It is like telling a child to return a toy they took from another child and instructing them to say they are sorry. It is good to teach them to say the words, but often with young children the *Im sorry* is just a phrase and the heart does not agree with the words. What they really want is that damn toy back.

We need to look at the attitude and body language behind the action of the rule following. Are the WS jumping at the chance to help heal, are they doing so begrudgingly because we made a list, do they do the bare minimum to be able to check the *rule* off as followed, are they following the rules up front or do you have to remind and hand hold and spoon feed. Remember, WS are not stupid. They have been able to deceive and live double lives, therefore they are clever and manipulative. They know when you say no contact they should not return the text or email, they should not answer the phone, and they should not smile and say hi in the hallway. Each time they push or blow up a boundary it is a choice to put the AP above the BS.

Too often BS are spoon feeding and hand-holding their WS through R, and far too often they end up in false R; ask me how I know. WS need to be the ones doing the work. Then when we stop to look deeper, we can see if they are doing it to *rule follow* or because they honestly want to do and be better.


No12turn2 posted 12/13/2013 15:16 PM

I refuse to give my WW any boundaries or rules until she comes to me and SHOWS me she wants to R. Who knows if that will even happen or if I will even be willing to entertain that idea. Each day of rejection I've had makes my heart grow colder

karmahappens posted 12/13/2013 15:20 PM

I agree

I didn't find SI after dday. When we finally did commit to R my husband did the right things on his own.

I still remember the first text he sent me when we started. I was working 2nd shift and it really was hard to wonder what he was doing. I refused to "check up" constantly, but I was a mess.

I got a text and it was a picture of him buying flooring for our kitchen...then another an hour later installing it. I didn't have to check up on him, he did it himself. Along with being open and transparent, calling when leaving work. Texting that he was home for lunch.

I don't know how he knew what to do, but he did. I guess my being crazy was enough for him to know he better make me feel safe.

I do think going forward you do have to tell your spouse what you need. Somethings are not universal and nobody knows what will be right for each individual.

Hand holding, nah, the WS should be the one looking to hold the BS's hand, IMO.

sodamnlost posted 12/13/2013 15:27 PM

Too often BS are spoon feeding and hand-holding their WS through R, and far too often they end up in false R; ask me how I know. WS need to be the ones doing the work. Then when we stop to look deeper, we can see if they are doing it to *rule follow* or because they honestly want to do and be better.

Guilty as charged. 15 months of "barely enough" with the big chances not even on the horizon sadly. So many people warned me but I guess I had to do what felt right and change ME enough to get to the point of saying - ENOUGH! I guess I didn't realize just how broken *I* was.

steadfast1973 posted 12/13/2013 17:13 PM

Wh came to me with rules for himself. I've not given him rules, really. I don't want to police him. I have enough problems policing my teen son and tween girls... Making sure they are not looking at inappropriate stuff on the internet is exhausting enough...

SummerStorm21 posted 12/13/2013 17:50 PM

As we all learn - it has to come from them or it's just more of the same.

But that means we also have a choice of how to react to lackluster effort. I laid that out last night to WS. I told him to not expect a thing from me because he has not been a spouse to me - before or after DDay.

But he does have to update me on what he is doing to deal with his issues if he wants to stay married. But I am not going to wait forever for progress.

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