you know how in MC or even IC, there's all this damm non-judgemental stuff going on. Like looking at relationship dynamics, communication, his needs/her needs. For ONCE, i'd like like one of these professionals to just Lay Blame!
I almost need it for validation. Sure, I'm not perfect, but I am a good human being, and he's not.
I wish someone else besides me who knows him would say that!!!
Because while I understand dynamics, and accept my part in them, some things are, well, just wrong.
She was very "compassionate" and "kind". That was "nice" for a while, but yes, my waffling WH needed a few 2x4s (and I couldn't get him on this site!). So I provided some tough love from Linda MacDonald -- "How to Help Your Spouse" and "Who Will You Become". That worked much more effectively.
Just started with a new MC/IC last week. My kids all go to see him next week. I am really hoping that we're finally with someone who will be a little tougher.
I'm not in Kansas anymore, Toto...
Blame isn't an issue for us, but it's crystal clear that my W had to take responsibility for her actions. The few times I started to blame myself for W's A, our MC stopped me - the A was my W's responsibility.
Even now, I bet 90% of MC's confrontations are aimed at my W.
Look for a new MC - or do you really need a lawyer?
D-Day, June 10, 2012
"Look, as sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgments. Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, youíre living wrong."
[This message edited by Blobette at 8:40 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]
Her job is to help that patient. Diagnosis him if necessary, but not to save the marriage, find justice, cure your relationship problems... Only to make the patient "better", for some definition of better. And not perfect, just better.
I suppose, for an MC, it's the marriage that is the patient, and some of them think that means everyone has to compromise, even if the compromise (like rugsweeping) is unhealthy.
If you find one of those, run. You're just postponing the inevitable, and making it worse in the long run. You don't fix a marriage by patching over it. You have to mend the broken parts first.
But what do I know? I never got the chance to R. I do read a lot on SI though...
I was so mad. I looked at her and said, ďAre the two of you listening to yourselves? I donít know why I would spend one more minute in here listening to this. If he canít tell me what all he did, I canít forgive him. First of all, I need to know exactly WHAT I am forgiving, and second of all, I canít forgive someone who is not changing his behavior. If he is continuing to lie, sneak around, cover his tracks, and deny, that tells me that he is not sorry, not remorseful, and not willing to improve his behavior and respect me.
After that, and some other things that happened in that MC session, I walked out and refused to go back. Never, ever have I participated in such a waste of time and money. Even with current H now- I say I want to go to MC, but we never go. He doesn't want to go, but deep down, I have a lot of hesitations and anxiety about ever doing that again.
Sometimes, I wish the MC would stand on a chair and point to the WS and yell, "THIS IS YOUR FAULT! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."