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PurpleBirch posted 12/13/2013 20:30 PM

I'm back again. New post though because there's going to be some venting going on. Hope that's ok.

I went to WH's place today to drop off a letter, and a copy of the daycare fees for the boys. You may find fault with this, but I stayed for a good 5-6 minutes because we were discussing possible ways he could pay what he owes. For example, I don't pay for Jan-Feb, and instead of paying me cash, he'll pay the full amount (on his credit card) directly to the daycare. This is because he doesn't actually have the money, but he has a credit card that he can use. Anyway.

While I was there he asked me "are we done?". I asked what he meant. "Well, people have been asking me if there's any chance we'll get back together". I said "no, I think we're done". Then he said: "I guess you fell out of love with me eh?". I said no, started crying, and left.

This is the first time in a long time that I've actually cried about this whole mess. Yes, I still love this stupid man. When he's not being a manipulative, gaslighting bastard, he's really quite lovely to be around. Yes, I still think he's somewhat handsome. However, the fact that I know he slept with that slut turns me off completely.

I couldn't give him another chance at this point in time. He's had many. The first was when we got married and started a life together. The minor little warnings when he was texting a coworker at all hours -he should have seen that as a second chance and straightened up his fucking behaviour. And third, when we were in the denial/gaslighting stage of this fucked up play. Why torture me, taking 6 months to finally admit to something I knew he'd done. And then to try to work on the marriage, but not actually take any responsibility for his behaviour? How many chances is that now?

Dude, you had all these chances. Why do you think I'd try it again? Because I love you? That answer was enough to get me through til August 2013. But when you told me that you weren't going to change, and that I'd have to get over it or leave, I heard you. You showed me who you were and I heard you! I see you very clearly now, and I cannot un-see what you are. So yes, damnit, I still fucking love you. But I love me more. And I am making my life something wonderful. You could have played a better part, but you chose not to get help when you needed it. So honestly, don't think you can guilt me into getting back with you. I'm not a masochist.

//rant

Obviously I can't say any of this to him, so you lovely people get to read it instead.

Gemini71 posted 12/13/2013 20:48 PM

One thing I've learned is that it is possible to love someone, but not be able to be with them. It's a sad fact of life. Too bad our WSs are such idiots that they just don't get it.

PurpleBirch posted 12/13/2013 20:52 PM

True words Gemini, true words.

I told my mom that he is like a sinking ship. He is going down, and I am not getting dragged down with him. For my own sanity I cannot.

**I mean that he's depressed/sick and won't get help (denial?), and that's how he's going down.

IrishLass518 posted 12/14/2013 01:33 AM

I'm so sorry that he even asked you that. I know how hard it must be for you and to have him put that in your court is unfair. He decided that he was done when he had an affair. I mean really? What the Hell do the waywards think is going to happen? That we are all going to say, "Well good for you WS going and getting your needs met behind my back. So happy that you exposed me to possible STD's and you were looking out for my best interests."

Are we done? Yup, cause you killed us.

PurpleBirch posted 12/14/2013 07:28 AM

Yes, Irishlass. My WH totally forgets that his actions caused all this. Back in November I said something like "Well, this could have been avoided". He goes "Yeah, if you hadn't moved out". I just said "Noooo, if you hadn't cheated on me we wouldn't even be here right now".

And yeah. STDs... *shudders*
I need to go for my second round of testing. Fun times.

PurpleRose posted 12/14/2013 08:32 AM

They really are just stupid. I hate how everything gets turned around to become OUR fault-- as if it was your choice out of the blue to end the marriage!!

Reality for our XWSs is so far away from reality that I don't think they will ever come back.

Idiots. I'm sorry you are still crying over him- I totally understand, you truly cannot just turn off your feelings - but he doesn't deserve your tears. :(

Tripletrouble posted 12/14/2013 08:44 AM

I totally understand. It has helped me tremendously when I'm around XH to think of him as the ghost of the man I loved. It allows me to see him for what he has become: someone who looks, talks, and acts like the man I loved, but simply is not. Be strong, and stay laser focused.

So yes, damnit, I still fucking love you. But I love me more.

Consider writing yourself a "dear me" letter. Outline all the reasons why you're worth better, why he's not worth it at all. Go back and read it when you feel sucked in.

careerlady posted 12/14/2013 11:01 AM

(((PurpleBirch)))
You're right you gave him so many chances and he was too caught up in eating cake and thinking he'd never really lose you. As reality sinks in he may have deep regrets and start acting differently, so prepare yourself. I will say good for you that you have an ex who can be lovely to be around, a lot of us are dealing with NPD arseholes. At the same time it makes it easier to stop loving them...

caregiver9000 posted 12/14/2013 11:41 AM

(((PB)))

I am glad you love you more.