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knight in shining armor

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NoGoodUsername posted 12/13/2013 20:39 PM

The knight in shining armor thing is a big piece of my identity that needs the old heave-ho.
I read way too much fantasy in my life and used the whole idea of that as a fake bulwark against low self esteem. Helping people, 'saving them'. Gorging on ego kibble at the trough of their pain or misfortune, all the while thinking that I was a good person.

My betrayed wife played a pretty classic song for me tonight. Ani Difranco Not a Pretty Girl Both my wife and Ms. Difranco hit it dead on. Here's a passage:

what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

The person that I need to save is myself. The cats and the girls can figure it out themselves. The only person that I have the right to save is myself.

Bullshit self-aggrandizement wrapped up in shiny armor. Bullshit self-aggrandizement in velveteen and a pretty sword. Trying to fix other people's problems with ne'er a thought to my own.

Peeling back these layers of protective delusion hurts. I'm so sorry, so sorrowful.

authenticnow posted 12/13/2013 20:41 PM

Peeling back these layers of protective delusion hurts. I'm so sorry, so sorrowful.

It's okay, you have to feel these feelings to grow, as painful as they are.

Keep being brave. You can do this.

nealos posted 12/13/2013 22:22 PM

nice work!.. with breakthroughs like this, you'll be that authentic self. I'm sure of it.

Scorpio2310 posted 12/14/2013 00:26 AM

I'm going through the same thing right now. I'm having to give all my pretty and shiny armor the ole heave ho! It sucks but every time I do it I feel a little better. Just keep telling yourself that you are not every Harry Hardluck and Sally Sapstory's hero. Remember that you are only your BS's hero, be her knight in shining armor.

NoGoodUsername posted 12/14/2013 06:01 AM

that is just it. She doesn't need to be rescued either. The only person that I have the right to rescue is me.
My job is to heal and grow without illusions. She doesn't need a knight but she might accept an honest, healthy partner.

JustDesserts posted 12/14/2013 14:39 PM

Good, ballsy post! Relate and like it.


plainpain posted 12/14/2013 14:53 PM

This was SO encouraging to read!

Scorpio2310 posted 12/14/2013 16:22 PM

The are many ways to be a hero without saving someone. I'm a hero to my BSO anytime I help her with household chores, or I help her with the bills. Its not that I'm saving her from anything or fixing major issues that make me her hero, its the constant little things that help her out that does it.

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