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yestopants posted 12/13/2013 22:34 PM

I feel like I need answers tonight and I'm not going to get them from WH so I'm just going to put this out there….

WH meets OW in september, probably gets cozy in October, leaves his kids and wife of 13 years in November….. How do you give up on your family after 2 months??? WTF now I get to pick up the pieces of our children so you can be a grown fool dating a GIRL? oh and I get to be the bad person too. When did I become this imaginary bad person? I don't understand. Will WH ever see reality again?

Mack9512 posted 12/13/2013 22:55 PM


August 15, 2012 my FWH and the MOW talked for the first time in over 20 years.
August 27, 2012 already an EA
September 5, 2012 he told me he wanted a divorce

Yep, took them all of 3 weeks to decide to destroy 2 families. Today my FWH has absolutely no idea what the hell he was doing back then. It was just stupidity and thinking with the wrong head.

yestopants posted 12/13/2013 23:00 PM

Really… I guess the other head is so smart. So do you get real answers now in real R? I don't know if thats what I want (real R) but answers and letting WH know my actual feelings and hurt would be nice.

MammaMia posted 12/13/2013 23:14 PM

Honey, they are not thinking right. It is called "the fog." Everything is blurred, foggy, they are in dreamland. Will they ever see the light? Some do not too long after NC and others take longer. Either or, the damage has already been done.

Face it: You will never trust him 100% ever again; he destroyed that.
Keep doing what you're doing. Do the 180 and take care of yourself and your kids.

You need to be brutally honest with yourself and answer these 2 questions:

a) are you better off with him or without him?

b) Do you want to be his Plan B?

Also write a list of Pros and Cons about being with your H and see where you have the most answers.

You are away from him; you can see things clearly now without him around. Don't communicate with him every day ( even if it is for the kids or finances.)Limit your contact with him to once or twice a week and give yourself a time frame ie 15 -20 min. each call or skype. I did see from your other posts that after you two communicate, you are filled with anger and a few times with resentment because you said something you should not have.
Good luck to you.

[This message edited by MammaMia at 10:00 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]

MammaMia posted 12/13/2013 23:16 PM

Oh... I forgot. You may never get the true answers. You may get answers but never the whole truth. You will have to find the answers for yourself by becoming a detective and snoop around.

Gotmegood posted 12/13/2013 23:25 PM

Sorry that you're hurting tonight Yesto. So many, many days and nights were like that for hell, probably all of us at first. How could he do this? How could he do this to me? His effing family? If you ever get the answer , don't forget to PM me and tell me what it feels like, because 4 months out I still have no satisfactory answers.....and this from a WH who wants (he SAYS) to stay together. Hope you can get some sleep tonight.

yestopants posted 12/13/2013 23:30 PM


I just tried to write the list of pros and cons…. the only pro I can come up with is I love him. He threw away everything else. I am angry, resentful and I'm sure he sees those snip its (I'm bad at hiding the way I feel). I wish I could just fast forward. He has no clue of the damage. I'm going to try to monitor my contact again. I was doing so much better when I went longer without talking to him I got sucked into his hole of financial and kid questions. That can all wait I need to be less available.

gonnabe2016 posted 12/13/2013 23:49 PM

Will WH ever see reality again?

Maybe. But maybe not. Him seeing *reality* really isn't the issue, though.

I understand that you love this guy, have kids with him, yadayada. However. What you need to be looking at is how he has acted towards you and, more importantly, his own kids.

You uprooted yourself and your small children to move to a foreign country for his career.
He then *took up* with a person who is basically a child.
He told you "I'm not in love with you anymore" and then suggested that you leave the country. WITH the kids.
THEN he signed the travel waiver that allowed you and HIS children to leave.
And his first contact with you was about turning on the computer.

That pain of what he said to/about *you* will always be there. But even if he sees reality tomorrow.....think about the type of man that he has just shown you that he is. He went on and on and on and on about the fact that you were so miserable and depressed that he didn't love you anymore.....and yet--he sent his children away with you. What kind of man practically begs an awful, horrible, miserable, terribly depressed person to take their kids out of the country and keep them 100% of the time? (and to be clear, I do not believe that ONE WORD of what he has said about you is true).

A father's job is to protect his children. And, according to him, you are so horrid that he *fell* out of love with you. BUT you are *fine* enough to care for the kids? *That* will be/would be a huge sticking point regardless of whether he wakes up to reality or not....

YTP, he is a total idiot. Develop a tough skin in regards to the *bad person* reference from him about you. That's just how the cookie crumbles and the WS thinks. Your WH's moronic behavior cannot *possibly* be happening for any reason other than something that is somehow *your* fault. (More ) You gotta not worry about it. My stbx is a serious serial-cheater. As recently as 2 days ago, I got a text where he told me that I was getting the divorce that *I* wanted. And he followed that up with saying that filing for divorce is what ends marriages. (And yet more )

You just carry on and file those papers. Do NOT worry about any blow-back (deportation) that he will suffer because of it. He made his bed....he can lie in it, regardless of how lumpy it is.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:52 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

RedWheelBarrow posted 12/14/2013 01:47 AM

I also admire your strength. Keep up with the 180 and take care of your kids. He is an idiot.

Mack9512 posted 12/14/2013 08:59 AM

Good morning Yesto. I hope you are doing better today.

So do you get real answers now in Real R?

Yes, as real as my FWH knows them to be; however the further he delves into himself in therapy the answers expand and sometimes change.

It took me 4 unsuccessful attempts at R to make me realize that I wasn't taking care of myself and my DD, instead I was spending all of my time and energy taking care of my FHW. I tried to become the wife that he wouldn't cheat on, etc...a common story here.

You need to take care of yourself and your children first. Eventually, while repairing yourself, you will also work out how you feel about your WH and your marriage. These best advice I was given at the beginning of my infidelity journey was to wait 6 months before making any major decisions. It helped take some of the stress away.

overandone posted 12/14/2013 09:04 AM

Did I read that right, she's 21 and one of his students? It's not usually considered ok for a teacher to date students. Do his employers know? Could land him in deep shit(as well as the present shit of course).

84CF posted 12/14/2013 09:51 AM

Just wanted to say that I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through and that I can relate to a lot of your story. If you're anything like me, one of the worst parts, or perhaps *the* worst part, is being told by him that you are depressed and therefore somehow culpable for his decisions. If that's the case for you, I would simply encourage you not to discount how damaging this is. Talk about it with a therapist and with friends and DON'T let his narrative become yours.

My wife did exactly what you have described (in your other thread) and I've been working through it ever since. Still haven't beaten it completely. *She* suffered from depression (I don't know whether this fits your husband) and *I* definitely became increasingly upset and burdened by the thousand little inconsistencies before I finally found out -- inconsistencies that now make perfect sense, btw. But in the weeks before I found out about her affair, she actually approached mutual friends (without telling me, of course) to say how "worried" she was about the fact that I seemed depressed. They all said that I didn't seem very depressed, but it has made me wonder whether I was/am actually depressed and don't know it, whether I'm in some way to blame for her behavior, etc. It's literally crazymaking. In retrospect I think she was trying to lay a foundation for justification. But the self-doubt was planted.

Anyway, I'm happy to write more about my story if it's helpful to you, but I don't want to hijack your thread. All this is simply to say to you that this sort of justification is common (according to my research of the past few months). The commonness doesn't make it any less hurtful and damaging to your own psyche, of course. But the knowledge might bolster you in this tough time.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by 84CF at 9:58 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]

jjct posted 12/14/2013 10:05 AM

Love gonnabe's post to you -

I would answer this question:
"Will WH ever see reality again?"

With this:
At some point in your healing, you will begin to ask that of yourself.

When that time comes, what he thinks, believes, or sees becomes irrelevant.

The destination is not hate, or any other mental or emotional involvement in the unremorseful's life.

The destination is indifference.
Like; "Have a nice day" to a cashier...

Stay strong.
Love your nic - cracks me up!
(but why isn't it notopants? hahaha!)

yestopants posted 12/14/2013 10:34 AM

Hey all,

I am doing a lot better today. This letting go stuff is hard, yesterday just threw me for a loop. I am sure it's not the last loopy day All of your advice and support has really helped. When my story is reiterated to me from another point of view it becomes very obvious that this isn't about me or the kids. I think I freak out because what he did makes it seem so final and it's hard to deal with that. (((goingtobe2016))) thank you for your break down of things…
(((overanddone))) I am sure if they knew his reputation would suffer. I will let him dig his own hole with that.

(((84CF))) Your story does help. When I went to lawyer she asked me a lot of questions and one was does mental illness run in WH's family. Let's just say it flows through his family…but I always thought he was fine. I think like your WS he is the one that is depressed and having issues. I guess it was easier to put it on me then to ask for help. The more I come to terms with what is happening, the more I realize that I need to detach for my well being and the kids. I'm going to start a NC for awhile, I need the space to think clearly.
SI is amazing, stumbling across this site was the best thing I could have done.

yestopants posted 12/14/2013 10:39 AM


Its *yestopants* cause I know how to keep mine on!
You got to funny the funny somewhere! I'm glad you enjoyed. Maybe one day when I join some dating site in the distant future I can use *notopants*

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