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My Anger is Ruining Reconciliation

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BrokenwingBird posted 12/13/2013 22:34 PM

I need help from those of you who are successfully in the R process. Im 2 months past D-Day. We are separated and working on things, going to counseling, etc.

I just get SOOO angry at him sometimes just from thinking about the affair, and all the lies! It's like I can't stop. Everything reminds me of it. Or if not the affair, then everything reminds me of how bad our relationship was during the affair.

I have to squash these feelings or at least ignore them while we go on dates or have family time with our son. But it usually comes out at some point. I dont scream obscenities at him or anything, but he sees Im bothered and asks "whats wrong?" so I tell him. It ruined our date night tonight and I ended up taking him home early.

How do I stop the anger from keeping us from moving forward?

mrcpu posted 12/13/2013 23:20 PM

We are approaching the antiversary of d-day. I have found myself having a really short fuse lately. Everything she does pisses me off. It could be because I was laid off but I think it's more to do with the fact that a year ago she was s***ing my BFF's D**k. (sorry.. got angry there!!!)

You will get angry. It will come and go. What I try to do is "keep my eye on the ball" and remember why I want to R and that she is doing her best to R.

LosferWords posted 12/13/2013 23:35 PM

BrokenwingBird,

I remember writing very similar posts to this one, two or three months past d-day. You are still early out, and everything is so raw right now.

The thing is, you are dealing with such a range of different emotions, and they are all very intense. The more you suppress these emotions and feelings, the longer they will take to process.

I think it's important to acknowledge and discuss each and every thing that you are feeling. Yet, at the same time there is a time and place for it. Out on a date in the middle of a restaurant... maybe not the best time. Yet on the other hand, if you feel like it is too much for you to sit there through a date and try to fake your way through things, don't follow through with the date... make other plans.

I do think it is important to try to make some time for normalcy, especially when it comes to family time with your son.

Also, whenever you can, make time to process and deal with all of the very hard things that you are feeling and dealing with. Those things are so important.

Your anger is not ruining reconciliation. It is a totally normal part of the process.

Hang in there! Things will get better.

BrokenwingBird posted 12/14/2013 00:27 AM

LosferWords,

Thank you for the encouragement. It is good to hear that my anger is part of the process. I just get so worried sometimes that if I can't let go of being angry, act happy and move forward, that I am damning our R process to failure. But maybe I just need to continue to take things slowly.

You are right about the emotions. This last week, I began wondering if the affair aside, I really loved him anyway and if we ever really belonged together in the first place. I keep thinking that it is only a matter of time before this happens again. I hope this is normal too. Because when it comes down to it, the fact that I am still here must mean that I do love him, maybe more than I was ever able to admit to myself.

heforgotme posted 12/14/2013 01:12 AM

It's just to be expected at this stage.

As for it ruining "date night".....we did not attempt to have any stereotypical "fun" for at least 10 months. It just didn't feel right.

I don't see anything wrong with trying, as long as you know it might get "ruined". But honestly, if there are issues being addressed, even if it wasn't in any way fun, then I think it was worth it.

Don't worry about "ruining" things. Any discussion, even if it's way difficult, leads to progress. Having "fun" is fleeting.

LosferWords posted 12/14/2013 11:49 AM

Because when it comes down to it, the fact that I am still here must mean that I do love him, maybe more than I was ever able to admit to myself.

This was a huge realization that I had as well, BrokenwingBird. In fact I used to tell my wife, "If I didn't love you so much, this wouldn't hurt nearly as bad."

Things can get better, though. If your husband is showing true remorse and is willing to put in the work, he will be able to tread water, even as these huge tidal waves of tough emotions and feelings hit. Eventually the waves do become less intense and further apart.

sisoon posted 12/14/2013 13:56 PM

Ummm...being betrayed is a very big deal. Grief, rage, and fear are normal responses - in quantities you never thought possible. It takes a long time to process those feelings out of your body and your brain.

Their are multiple ways of processing each feeling. One thing that doesn't work over the long term is trying to suppress them.

Think 2-5 years of cycling through your feelings, assuming no new hurts (but the swings get less violent over time). If your WS can't handle that, he's not yet a good candidate for R.

You have no choice - you've got the feelings, so you have to figure out how to handle them, and that's something you can do....

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:57 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

confused615 posted 12/14/2013 14:00 PM

Being betrayed his a huge deal. It's traumatic. it is life changing. You have every reason to be angry..damn angry. if your WH wants to R, then he needs to accept that you will be angry,sad,scared,happy,etc..all in the same hour some days. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this. Acting happy is rugsweeping. he needs to hear exactly how this has affected you..he needs to hear it, absorb it, and help you heal.


At 2 months out, you have just started to understand what he has done. The shock is wearing off and the grief and anger will set in. You need to be able to express your feelings to him..it will eat you alive if you don't.


What work is doing on himself? How is he becoming a safe person for you? Has he answered all of your questions? Is he transparent? Do you have full access to all of his accounts and his phone? Did he send a NC email to OW..and you saw it? What is he doing to R? Date night? this soon after dday..and he isn't living with you, doing the day to day work? I'd cancel date night and use those nights to sit down and talk about his affair..date night this soon sounds like a lot of pressure. And he actually asked you what was wrong? Is he clueless or insensitive?


ETA: If I read your timeline correctly, it looks like he started the affair when you were pregnant? So he exposed his unborn child to STD's? Honey...should be angry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:07 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

mrcpu posted 12/14/2013 15:57 PM

You are right about the emotions. This last week, I began wondering if the affair aside, I really loved him anyway and if we ever really belonged together in the first place. I keep thinking that it is only a matter of time before this happens again. I hope this is normal too. Because when it comes down to it, the fact that I am still here must mean that I do love him, maybe more than I was ever able to admit to myself.

Been there, felt exactly this way. It really makes you wonder if you should have not broken up a long time ago.

greengiant posted 12/14/2013 17:39 PM

Thank you for this post. I feel the exact same way. My WW is making efforts to become a better person, and we're trying to date (movies, restaurant, etc.) Sometimes, my sadness or anger is also ruining this time we're taking together. Now, what we're doing is talking some hours before the date in order for my sadness/rage to go away. Then, we have a better time together. But sometimes, it is so hard!

kansas1968 posted 12/14/2013 20:09 PM

It is way to early for you not to be angry. You will be angry for a long time. You might want to post on the Just Found Out board so you can vent and rage. You need to do that. The anger has to come out or it will just go inward and blow out sometime. This is a long road. Today is my antiversary number 3 and I still get incredibly angry sometimes.

Betrayed67 posted 12/15/2013 02:07 AM

What you are going thru is normal.

Im still angry and i'm 11 months from dday. So feel your anger. Before my husband's infidelity, I never swore. But now - and Im not proud of it- some French words have become part of my speech for the last 11 months.

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